1983

Tears and blood all over my cheeks.

‘It’s him, isn’t it?’ whispered Ellis -

I raised my right leg. I put my boot through that fucking windscreen -

Smaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash!

The rain and the night all over us now -

The tears and the blood, the tears and the blood -

Everywhere.

Parked at the end of the road among the other blue lights -

We waited. We watched.

A sergeant came crouching up the street. He leant in the window. ‘Sir?’

‘What is it, Sergeant?’

‘He’s asking for you, sir,’ he panted. ‘The man inside the house.’

‘By name?’ asked Ellis.

‘Yes.’

‘What’s he say?’

‘Says he needs a friend, sir.’

I opened the door. I got out of the car, my wrists and ankles all bloody.

‘He’ll kill you,’ said Ellis -

I nodded. I walked up the road through the blue lights -

The white floodlights -

The red rain.

I came to the house -

Ellis running up the street. Ellis shouting: ‘Kill you -’

I nodded again. I opened the gate, thinking -

Murder me.

Chapter 59

They take off the handcuffs. They take off the blindfold. They open the back doors.

The van slows.

They throw you out on to the road. They drive away.

You lie in the road. You don’t know if it is dawn or dusk.

It is raining.

You get up off the ground. You stand up.

There is a green Viva parked outside the little white bungalow.

There are no lights on. The curtains aren’t drawn.

You go round the back. You climb over the stone wall into the field. You walk up the tractor path towards the row of sheds at the top of the hill.

It is pissing down now.

You are ankle deep in mud and animal shit.

You slip.

You fall.

You get up.

You look back down the hill at all the little bungalows tucked up together, sleeping soundly -

Day in, day out.

You wipe the mud off your hands. You start walking again.

You slip again.

You fall again.

You get up again.

You reach the row of sheds. You walk along. You come to the last one:

The one with no windows and the black door -

The black door banging in the wind and the rain:

The door to hell.

You step inside -

The pictures on the wall have gone.

There is a workbench and tools, bags of fertiliser and cement, pots and trays.

There is a hole in the ground. It is surrounded by sacks and a piece of thick and muddy rope hooked through a manhole cover.

You look into the hole -

It is a ventilation shaft to a mine.

You squeeze yourself down into the shaft -

Your hands and boots upon the metal ladder;

You start down -

Everything is wet. Everything is cold. Everything is dark;

You come down to a second horizontal passage -

There is a dim light from the end of the passage;

You turn around. You pull yourself out of the shaft into the tunnel -

It is narrow and made of bricks. It stretches off into the faint light;

You think you can hear familiar music playing far away:

The only thing you ever learn in school is ABC -

You crawl upon your fat bleeding bloody belly across the bricks towards the light:

But all I want to know about is you and me -

Crawl upon your fat bleeding bloody belly across the bricks towards the light:

I went and told the teacher about the thing we found -

Upon your fat bleeding bloody belly across the bricks towards the light:

But all she says to me is that you’re out of bounds -

Your fat bleeding bloody belly across the bricks towards the light:

Even though we broke the rule I only want to be with you -

Fat bleeding bloody belly across the bricks towards the light:

School love -

Bleeding bloody belly across the bricks towards the light:

School love -

Bloody belly across the bricks towards the light:

You and I will be together -

Belly across the bricks towards the light:

End of term until forever -

Across the bricks towards the light:

School love -

The bricks towards the light:

School love -

Bricks towards the light:

School love -

Towards the light:

School love -

The light:

Love -

Light.

The music stops. The roof rises. There are beams among the bricks.

You stagger on, on fat legs and fat feet -

Through the muck and the mud, the sound of rats here with you -

Near.

You stumble on a shoe -

A child’s summer sandal, covered in dust -

You wipe away the dust -

A child’s summer sandal, scuffed.

You leave it. You go on -

Back ripped raw from the beams and the bricks -

Until the roof rises again and you can stand in the shadow of a pile of rock.

You wait. You wait. You wait.

You turn the corner past the pile of rock and -

Fuck -

You see two skeletons lying on a bed of dead roses and old feathers, skulls turned up to a faded sky of bricks once blue, black cotton wool clouds stuck here and there among dim swinging Davy lamps -

Two skeletons entwined in osseous embrace -

Their black son rising out of the ground into the dim lamplight -

Into the lamplight, a hammer in his hand:

Leonard Marsh -

Little Leonard Marsh, a hammer in his hand -

Head shaved and chest bare, coming towards you -

His chest in bloody scars, it reads:

O LUV .

You do not move. You wait for Leonard Marsh -

A hammer in his hand, coming towards you.

You do not move. You wait until Leonard Marsh is almost upon you -

A hammer in his hand, coming towards you.

You raise the brick in your fist. You bring it down hard into the side of his head -

Leonard Marsh howls. He tries to bring the hammer down -

The hammer in his hand.

You raise the brick in your fist again. You bring it down hard again -

Leonard Marsh howling, trying to stand.

But you are behind him now and you have his hammer in your hand-

‘Remember me?’ you whisper.

Blind with his blood, you stop -

In this one long tunnel of hate, you see yourself;

In the ten broken mirrors -

The boxes and the bones -

The shadows and the lights -

The tape recorders and the screams -

The dead flowers and the feathers -

You see yourself and Leonard among the feathers -

Among the wings;

Your feathers and your wings -

Both stuck with his blood.

His mouth opens and closes again -

You put the hammer down.

‘No-one even looked,’ he whispers.

‘I know,’ you nod.

‘No-one.’

You wipe the tears from his cheek. You kiss his head. You say: ‘I know.’

He closes his eyes.

You put your wings over his mouth -

‘The children of sinners are abominable children -

Your wings, huge and rotting things -

‘And they frequent the haunts of the ungodly.

Big black raven things -

‘Children will blame an ungodly father -

Heavy and burnt, over his mouth.

‘For they suffer disgrace because of him.

He tries to raise his hand -