His heart seemed to stop. His head knew where this was going but his mind couldn’t register the reality of the moment. Nothing was right. He felt a strange coolness in the back of his sinuses even as he breathed in the warm desert air more clearly than he ever had. His arms tingled and felt weightless, as if all the blood had drained from them. Composing his words more carefully, he calmly asked, “Sarah, I don’t know what that is. What does that mean? Is our daughter alright?”
Stephen jammed a finger into the opposite ear to block out the noise and struggled to hear words which were not being said. In the choppiness of her attempts to respond he tried to fill in the gaps with his own thoughts but they were dark and he pushed them away, opting instead for an attempt to hear her words. This lasted only a few seconds before her silence overcame him. In his feelings of helplessness, he peppered her with more questions. “How long will she be sick?”
Sarah gathered her thoughts and began slowly, “I don’t know. I’m trying to get answers. I don’t know exactly what to tell you or how to tell you at all. Stephen, listen to me, please. Hailey’s not alright. She might be very sick.”
“Are the antibiotics she can take? Do they know how she got it?”
Sarah couldn’t keep up with as Stephen continued his rapid-fire interrogation. “I don’t know. Do you hear me, I just don’t know.”
Stephen harshly interrupted, “Well, how sick is she? When will we know something?”
“Damn-it, Stephen! Stop. Just stop it!” Sarah paused after the outburst and attempted to regain her composure. “When I took her to see Dr. Bennett she had bruising on her legs and upper back; like, near her neck. He said something about her blood cells getting oxygen and maybe she didn’t have enough platelets and that was causing her to bruise at night. It was enough to make Dr. Bennett concerned so he had them run a blood test and then they sent us to the downtown hospital that same day. Stephen, they found… they found a tumor…” A stillness covered the phone’s line as Sarah’s muffled voice fought through strained emotions in an attempt to finish her sentence. “They found a tumor on her spine.”
Sarah’s tearful voice reached aimlessly over the line. “Did you hear me, Stephen? It’s a tumor. The doctors think she might have cancer. Can you hear me? Please tell me you can hear me.”
The silence engulfed the phone and the miles between her words brought Stephen’s entire thought process to a halt. He couldn’t get a grasp on what his wife was telling him. He heard the words but as he stared out over the desert they were impossible to hold on to. He felt flushed and struggled to focus, unable to make sense of Sarah’s explanation. Her words continued to elude him, sifting through his mind like sand trickling off the palms of his hands. It seemed as though someone else pushed the words from his lips as he sat motionless. “Yes. I hear you.”
Mile 5
For a moment Stephen regretted calling Sarah. Then, without any intention of his own will, the sergeant’s instinct took over and he began demanding answers with direct and accountable responses, “Did you get a second opinion? We need to run some more tests. Who did you see? Doctors misdiagnose stuff all the time. I want the number of someone in charge.”
“Stephen, we don’t get a second opinion. I’m taking her to a specialist tomorrow to have more blood work done and they’ll confirm some counts on her white blood cells. We spoke with them over the phone, and they asked me to plan on being there the whole day because if it is cancer…” Sarah’s strength gave in to a wave of sadness. “They said they would need to start chemotherapy the next morning. She might need red blood cells and platelets.” She interrupted herself, “I don’t even know what a platelet is!”
Taking in an exhaustingly deep breath, Sarah continued, “And if she needs a heavy dose of chemo then they said they might have to do some sort of port. Apparently, it’s like a piece of metal the size of a quarter or something. Stephen, they want to put this thing inside of our daughter!”
“Sarah, we don’t know that yet.” Stephen had no idea what to do or even if he’d get to use the phone again that week. But it didn’t slow him from confidently instructing Sarah, “I need to call these doctors. Send me their numbers. I need to have a conversation. I can call later today when we get…”
“No. I don’t need you to call them.” Sarah sharply responded, “It won’t do any good. You can’t do anything beyond what I’m already doing here. I’m having to make major decisions on the fly and I already doubt every move I make. You arguing with the doctors is only going to confuse things.” Her voice quivered and became muffled as if her chin had just been pressed deeply into her chest.
Stephen rebutted out of instinct, “But we need to do something else and make sure…”
“Stephen! There is no ‘we’! It’s only me. Do you hear me; it’s just me right now. I’m the only parent who’s here!” Stephen could now hear the flood of tears she had been holding back and he became acutely aware that Sarah had been carrying the burden of this struggle without him. She was overwhelmed and he couldn’t imagine what she had been facing over the past couple of days while he was thousands of miles away. He thought about Hailey and how scared she must have been in a hospital surrounded by strangers and being handled by staff attending to her. The thought of his little girl being confused and scared brought a fear into his own mind. There was a long pause as they both caught their breath.
“Stephen, I need you to be here. There’s no question I need your help. But I know you can’t. I know that’s not an option. So at least trust that I’m doing the right thing because I don’t know that I am. The nurses, doctors and your mother are great but I’m not sure about what else I’m supposed to be doing; I only know that I’m doing it.”
His tone calmed but the beats from his chest continued their rapid pace. “Sarah, I’m sorry. This has to be impossibly hard for you. I want to be there.” Stephen’s thoughts grew distracted as he began playing out options in his mind. He knew the Colonel was a caring leader who would be sympathetic but Stephen had no idea what the Army would do with his situation. Even if he could get permission for emergency leave, he had no idea how to get everything done. It took time to turn equipment in, get orders and then there was the very important question about out how to get a flight out of a hostile environment. There were too many questions swirling in his mind and clarity eluded him.
“Sarah, look. I’ll talk to the CO when I get back. It’s possible I can get leave to come home.” He knew he needed to say more but encouragements were worthless and ideas were burdensome. In his helplessness, he spoke. “I just need you to keep it together until I get back.” Stephen knew it was the absolute wrong thing to say to his struggling wife, but his head was a crowded platter on the brink of tipping, his words were a cup filled to the brim and all he could do was helplessly watch them spill out.
The insensitive instruction broke Sarah’s wall of patience and understanding, giving way to an enraged yell that echoed through the humvee. “Keep it together? Are you serious? What do you think I’m doing over here? While you’re on the other side of the planet, I am the only one keeping everything together.”
The silence that followed reached beyond the phone and each man in the vehicle awkwardly busied himself. He knew he deserved the outrage but he hardly had the fortitude necessary to bring some level of peace back into the conversation.
“Please, Stephen,” Her voice sounded more broken than angry but her softened tone felt stronger than the previous berating he had just received. “I can’t wait around for you to get back. I’m running the house, trying to pay all the bills that keep coming. I was already barely remembering to get the mail most days but now it’s the last thing I’m thinking about and I’m sure it’s just piled up and pretty soon our pissed-off mailman will just start dumping it at the door.” Her thoughts were mixed like spaghetti and Stephen could hear her discouragement in every word, but it only frustrated him more that he couldn’t fix anything. He was useless.