Hailey’s immune system responded better during the Consolidation Phase of her treatment. This was the 120-day period which put her small body through an immense struggle and tested everyone’s limits. At this stage, she was receiving a spinal tap every other week and her chemo treatments delivered increased dosages. The heavy cycle of steroids introduced the phrase, “roid rage” to an already tense Lantz household. Painful joints, bloating, temper-tantrums and her non-stop hunger left Stephen and Sarah with little mental capacity to handle necessary home repairs or the other liabilities of life such as rising bills and periodic car trouble. With no other choice but to press forward, they went through the motions as a unified couple. But the end of each day left little for one another as every issue was magnified and compounded a wedge which formed stronger and deeper between them.
Rebecca saw the numbness which stagnated over the Lantz home life and would often step in to pick up the pieces behind a wrecked day. She cared for Hailey as only a grandmother could and loved Sarah like she was her own daughter. Rebecca’s faith provided her with an unwavering strength, and it was never more apparent to Stephen then the way her calming personality could instantly ease the tensions in a room.
He didn’t share his mother’s religious beliefs but there was no denying that her arrivals were like slowly releasing the air out of a balloon that everyone had expected to pop. Both Stephen and Sarah found themselves leaning on her for more than just caring for Hailey. Rebecca was particularly skilled at handling tantrums regardless of the complainer’s age, and her loving encouragement never showed a hint of frustration or judgment. When her observant eye saw the pressure building, she would push Stephen and Sarah to let her watch Hailey while they grabbed dinner or coffee together. But Rebecca’s loving intension to support their marriage required more than just their acceptance. It wasn’t long before date nights just became a time to argue with greater discretion. Soon babysitting offers by Rebecca were rejected and time together fell off Stephen and Sara’s calendar completely.
They spent the next twenty-two months living in fear. The periodic treatments left Hailey with no immune system to speak of and it forced the Lantzes to build a virtual bubble around her world. They rushed to an Army hospital each time Hailey expressed the slightest of pains. In time, chemo doses were lowered, checkups moved to a periodic schedule and the only procedures she underwent were the monthly finger pricks to test blood levels. Right around Hailey’s 5th birthday, with great hesitation and hopefulness, Stephen and Sarah greeted the word remission into their household.
“Again?” Sarah’s commanding use of the single word had somehow undone and discredited every justification Stephen had been prepared to use in conveying his news of another deployment.
“There’s still a war going on, Sarah.” Stephen said condescendingly.
“Well, how long will you have to go for?” She asked in a way which didn’t really seem like a question.
“Rumor has it that it’ll be for about nine months or so.”
“You don’t know?” Sarah asked impatiently.
“I haven’t gotten final orders yet. What do you want me to do?” He rebutted.
“Hailey’s only got four months of chemo left.
“She’s just finishing up the treatment plan. Doctor said there’s a chance they may not even do all of them.”
Sarah was undeterred in her persistence, “Can’t you wait until we’re at least past this?”
“Last time I checked, the Army doesn’t exactly ask for my opinion when they come up with the timing for sending out troops to go off and battle terrorist in the Middle East, Sarah.” Stephen said defensively.
“Obviously, I know that Stephen. I’m just asking if you can get some sort of deferment or something like you got when you came home before.”
Stephen simply didn’t have the patience to let his wife think he could argue with the orders he had received. “It doesn’t work that way. It was rare for me to get that privilege in the first place. If anything, because I came back early I need to be one of the first out there for this rotation. There’s a limit to Army compassion and I don’t want to push it.”
Sarah knew orders were undisputable but she wasn’t ready to give in yet, “What do I do if Hailey gets of those massive bruises again? How am I supposed to handle that?”
“Just schedule a drop-in appointment with Dr. Navarro. She said we could come by anytime. She’ll tell you what needs to be done. It’s what she gets paid to do. Let her do her job.” Stephen’s tone was irritated at the asking about something the hematologist had already addressed.
“And what if it comes back?”
“She’s in remission.” Stephen responded curtly.
“Maybe, but that’s not a guarantee. We both know she’s not in the clear for another three years.”
“What do you want me to say? That she won’t get sick again? Believe me; it kills me every day just thinking about the possibility but what am I going to do. We have to live with this and part of living with this means that I still have to go when the Army tells me to go; when and where!”
Sarah turned to peer down the hallway. Her clenched hand came up to meet her mouth as if to rest but the gritted teeth gave evidence to her anger and exasperation with Stephen. “Is it going to be like this when you get back?” she asked.
“What, with deployments? Come on, Sarah. You know this is how these things work. The Guard activations are temporary. I don’t have to go very often. It’s not like I’m doing back-to-back tours like a lot of those guys out there. Besides, Iraq and Afghanistan can’t last too much longer. They’ll iron this all out soon.” Stephen’s mind rolled through the options he had recently been considering to himself and chose to test the waters with his wife. “Also, I might be able to do better if I stay on active duty full time when I get back. The transfer is pretty simple and the time I’ve spent on these deployments would help a lot with rank.”
Sarah’s eyes darted accusingly toward her husband. She could tell his comment wasn’t a flippant thought and that the idea of leaving the National Guard and joining the Army as an active duty soldier was something he had already thought to. She took a second to breathe deeply in order to control her consternation, “Are you serious? What about your job with McDowell?”
“McDowell has been great but I think I could…”
Ignoring his response Sarah interjected, “Going active duty is no small thing. Moves, more deployments, it’s a lot more than weekends and periodic activations. Don’t you think this is something we should talk about first?’”
“Well, yeah. I mean, of course we will.” Stephen sensed her distress and decided to not broach the topic any further, “But we don’t have to talk about it for a while. Definitely not before I get back from this deployment.”
“Will we talk about it?” Sarah asked with a thinly veiled bitterness.
“I just said we would.”
The conversation paused in a stalemate for several prolonged seconds before Sarah, absorbed by an awareness of the challenges she was going to face in the months to come, finally yielded to the discomfort of silence. “You never answered me.”
“What?” Stephen grunted.
Her voice was nearly a whisper, “Is it going to be like this when you get back?”