Without warning, Tom firmed his eyebrows, pursed his lips, and reeled his neck back to pull in another deep breath. He fired his finger hard against Stephen’s chest and leaned into his son’s face with a loud release, “STRONGGGGG!”
Stephen was taken off guard by the clarity in Tom’s voice and had to fall back a step to keep from being toppled. The pain in Stephen’s body cowered beneath the exuberant command of Tom’s articulate and intimidating word. He took another step back but Tom’s finger remained motionless in the air, trained on his son. Stephen hesitated and was too stunned to respond at the excitement of hearing his father’s true voice once again. But he saw steadfast fire in the man’s eyes and replied with astonishment, “Dad?”
“STRONGGGG!” Tom repeatedly jabbed at his son and Stephen heard the uninhibited instruction.
Suddenly the words of Command Sergeant Majors Waters returned, “There’s a strength working inside you.”
His mother had told him about a strength carrying her when she could no longer bear a burden. That strength had given her a peace which allowed her to sacrificially care for others in a way he couldn’t understand. He had called it her crutch. But if Stephen had ever needed a crutch; mentally, physically or spiritually, he knew it was now.
He had dealt with too many disappointments, too many failures, too much pain, too much hurt, too many times he had let others down. The burden of each remained rested upon his shoulders but as he stood there in labored breath, the bitterness brought about by their compounding presence began to crumble from within him. He felt the burden lifting and from within he could sense the growing warmth of an ember that had been sparked with life.
“STRONGGGG!” Tom repeated with intensity and determination.
“Okay, Dad.” Stephen slowly nodded his head and gripped his bottom lip between his teeth. “Okay.” His eyes shifted from Tom’s to the road ahead as he turned around and took a single painful step back onto the race course.
“STRONGGGG!” Tom continued shouting at Stephen.
The pain in his back muscles fiercely announced its return as Stephen leaned his body unnaturally towards the ground and willed his legs to scoot forward and catch him. The pads of his tender feet felt engulfed in a pool of fire upon each contact with the asphalt. He embraced the pain and let it wash over him, unconcerned with the consequences.
“STRONGGG!” Stephen could hear Tom repeatedly calling out from behind him as he picked up the pace and launched into a full stride.
His shoulders began to loosen with each steady, deep draw of breath he took. His scoot gave way to a shuffle and then with a full step, his lower back hesitantly released its vise grip and Stephen felt the flush of blood warming through his legs once again.
“STRONGGGG!” Distance grew between the men as Tom’s shouts began to fade. But his father’s voice echoed within Stephen.
“STRONGGGG…”
Mile 24
Sarah sat in pressed deep into the corner of their beige acrylic couch. She let the fibers of the couch embrace her as if they could offer a hint of protection against the crushing silence of the room.
Fearful that an emotional response would dominate and let loose the hurt she felt, Sarah measured her words, “So they gave you the opportunity to stay home?”
Stephen struggled to find the balance between information and confession. “Basically, yes.” Stephen responded with shame, “I mean maybe not home like after the first deployment, but yeah, it would have been a desk job within the area.”
“But they gave you the choice of not going to war.” Her face maintained its initial disbelief.
“Yes.” Stephen swallowed his own words.
“They gave you the choice,” Wounded to her core, Sarah responded as though she were losing her grip on life with the release of each syllable, “they gave you the choice of not leaving your family?”
“While the rest of my unit headed into combat.” Stephen reasoned.
“Is that why you chose to go? For your men?”
“No. I can’t honestly say it was for them.” His voice dropped with the admission.
“Go ahead, Stephen. Tell me it was for the men.” Sarah grasped for any reason to think that her husband wouldn’t willfully leave them. “If it was for the men, I could take that.”
“Once we were in the desert, leading the men kept me wanting to be there. But they weren’t the reason I volunteered for that second deployment.”
“Because if it wasn’t the men, then that sounds a lot like you left to get away from something. Really it sounds as if you were trying to get away from us. Like you were rejecting us.” Sarah’s voice rose with consequence.
“No, Sarah, no. That’s not it at all.” Stephen refuted.
“You’re right. I know it wasn’t a rejection of us. You’d never turn away from Hailey.” Sarah acknowledged while holding back waves of emotion this confession had begun to expose, “But I do think it was a rejection of me.”
The truth in her words hit him hard. He paused a moment and collected his thoughts, “The truth is… the truth is that I was afraid.”
“So you went to war instead?” Sarah protested.
His words refused to flow but Stephen pressed through the sadness brought on by his confession. “I was afraid of what we were turning into. Deployment gave me a chance to escape and not have to deal with our issues at the time.”
Stephen could feel his difficult admission give ease to the tension in the room. “And yeah, at the time I was thinking of active duty and maybe even Officer Candidate School down the road. Another deployment would have helped with selection.”
“We would have done all of that with you.” Sarah responded tearfully.
“Yes, now. But what about back then, Sarah? Would you have?”
“I don’t know. I guess I can’t say for certain. We never talked about it.” Sarah wiped a slowly forming tear from her eye. “But you didn’t need to, remember. You were already thinking of going active duty back then, weren’t you?”
Stephen gave pause to the memory of how he used to antagonize his wife into an argument. He hated the way he would drive over her feelings. He had no intension of going back to that guy. He held his tongue in silence as his wife spoke painful truths back to him.
“I think,” She hesitated to express what her mind had already constructed, “I think, active duty was part of your backup plan. In case you returned home and decided you wanted to be a single man again. I get it. Our marriage was on the rocks and that second deployment was your exit strategy.”
“Sarah, it was years ago and we were in a tough place back then.”
“A lot’s happened in those years. We’re doing so much better now, aren’t we?” Sarah’s tears began to flow more freely.
Stephen moved onto the couch and pulled her into his arms. “We’re past all of that.”
“I’m not the same person I was during that season.” Sarah replied.
“No, but it doesn’t matter. This wasn’t your fault. I’m the one who was almost ready to give up. I was the one making the mistake when I should’ve trusted you back then.”
Sarah pulled back and looked into his eyes, “You trust me now?” she asked.
“Without a second’s hesitation.” Stephen responded confidently, his fingers gently strolling through her hair.
“To the point where you can tell me all this?”
Stephen’s head dropped into his chin, “I’m so sorry I’ve held this for so long. I wanted to tell you the moment I got back.”
Sarah gently placed a finger on his chin and lifted his eyes to meet hers, “I’m sorry for you. You’ve had so much you already dealt with and I can tell this has been eating at you for a long time.”