“Protect me from what?”
“From me.”
Alma shook her head in mild exasperation. “What does that even mean?”
“You were falling back in with my crowd. Just like it always happens.” Paul looked up at the moon and seemed to study it for a moment while Alma stayed silent, waiting for him to continue. He changed the subject abruptly. “You know when I fell in love with you?”
“The first time I let you get to second base?”
They shared a chuckle, but then Paul turned serious again. “It was on our third date, back in high school.”
“What?” She shook her head and laughed as if what he was saying couldn’t be true. “No one in high school is ever really in love. That’s just kid stuff.”
“No, you’re wrong. I fell in love with you on our third date, and haven’t stopped loving you since.”
“We broke up not long after that.” She didn’t know what to make of his admission. It didn’t make sense to her. “We didn’t start dating again until the next summer, when I was back from college.”
He continued his story, unabated by her disbelief. He closed his eyes as he recounted the scene. “You were in a light purple dress, with a darker purple string tied up here.” He pointed to his clavicle as he went on. “Some of the strings in the dress sparkled, like they were made of tinsel or something.”
“I remember that dress,” said Alma. “My grandmother bought it for me.”
“I picked you up in my truck. Remember that shitty old thing?”
She smiled as she took a step closer to him. “Do I? I had to steer as you pushed it after running out of gas on the highway.”
He laughed at the memory. “Not my smoothest moment.”
“To say the least.”
“Anyhow, I remember seeing you come out of your grandma’s place, wearing that dress, and I almost couldn’t talk. I was just stunned. You had your hair up, and you never wore your hair up. You looked awesome.”
“No more wearing my hair up now,” said Alma as she tousled her newly shorn hair.
“You got into the truck and just, all of the sudden, leaned across the seat and pecked me on the cheek. It was a real quick kiss.”
“I remember it,” said Alma. “I was so nervous. That was our first kiss, if you can call it that. I guess I was a bit of a prude back then.”
He finally looked at her, and then bashfully back to his cigarette as he flicked it. “That’s when I fell in love with you.”
“What?” Alma accidentally snorted as she laughed and then put her hands over her mouth in embarrassment. “Because I kissed you? Come on. You were a ladies man back then. You had all sorts of girls clamoring for you.”
“It wasn’t because you kissed me,” he said. “It was because you were scared to. You got into the truck and slid across the seat to kiss me out of nowhere, and then went right back to your side and waited for me to drive off. It was obvious that you’d been planning out the kiss for a long time.” He locked eyes with her and held his gaze. “I bet you were thinking about it for hours before I picked you up. Weren’t you?”
She looked down as he stepped forward, closing the gap between them. “Yes. I was so nervous, you have no idea. I wasn’t the sort of girl that got asked out a lot, and you were such a popular guy. I couldn’t believe you were going to take me out again for a third time. I knew it was silly not to kiss after going on a couple dates, so I had to get it out of the way. It was such a lame kiss.”
He took her hand and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. “It was the best kiss of my whole life. I’ve loved you ever since.”
“Even when we kept breaking up?”
“Yep.”
“Then why did you turn into such an asshole last time?” she asked. “Why were you saying that you were trying to protect me?”
“Honestly, I was ashamed of myself.”
“For what?” she asked.
“For being a nobody. And worse than that, I was dragging you down with me.”
“That’s silly,” she said.
“No it’s not. It’s the truth. I’ve got a lot of bad habits, and when we’re together I drag you down with me.” Alma was going to rebut him, but he spoke before she could. “When was the last time you did coke?”
It was a brash question, and she was taken aback by it. “What?”
“When was the last time? I bet I know,” he said. “I bet it was at my birthday party, right before we broke up last time. Am I right?”
“Yes, but what does that have to do with…”
“It has everything to do with it,” said Paul. “That’s my point. You’re a fucking good person, and not just like a normal good person either. You’re an honest-to-God, really good person, and every time we get together again I’m forced to watch you sink down to my level. Look, I’m not trying to be a melodramatic emo kid here. I’m being honest when I say that I drag you down, Alma. I always have.”
“Come on, Paul. Stop it.”
“No wait, I’m trying to explain what I’ve been up to for the past few months.” He walked away from her and started to fidget with his lighter as he spoke. It was almost as if he had a speech prepared, and was trying to recall all of the details that he wanted to go over as they talked. She wondered how long he’d been planning this conversation. “You got your dream job, and I was putting it at risk. If your school drug tested you - Fuck, Alma. Your life would’ve been over, and all because of me.”
“I’m an adult. The mistakes I made were my choice.”
“And I decided to stop putting you in a situation where you were forced to make that kind of choice.” Paul put his lighter back in his pocket and then pulled out what looked like a plastic coin. He flipped the object around in his palm a few times before handing it to Alma.
It was purple and depicted a triangle in the center of an engraved circle. Within the triangle was written ‘2 months’.
“Is this what I think it is?” asked Alma.
“I joined a few days after we broke up, but fell off a few times. I’ve been straight for two months now.”
“AA?”
“Sort of,” said Paul. “It’s a different program, but same idea. That’s how I met Jacker.”
Alma glanced back at the door to Rachel and Stephen’s apartment where Jacker was waiting for them.
“He’s not just a buddy,” said Paul. “He’s my sponsor.”
“Holy shit, Paul. I don’t know what to say.” She stared at the coin and flipped it around in her hand several times. It felt like metal, but was lighter than she expected it to be.
“I’ve been working real hard for this, Alma. I just want another chance with you. And all this shit, with Widowsfield and your dad,” he shrugged and nervously scratched at his beard. “The way this all happened now; it just feels like it was meant to be. You know? It feels like I’m being given one last shot to prove that I’m the right guy for you.”
“I didn’t need you to do this,” said Alma as she held up the coin. “I didn’t know you had an addiction.”
“Neither did I.” He took the coin, kissed it, and slipped it back in his pocket. “It wasn’t until my birthday, when I saw you snorting a line off my bathroom sink, that it hit me. That was my worst moment. I saw myself for what I was, and it wrecked me. I knew that if it weren’t for me, you’d never do drugs. Your job was too important to you, but you were risking it because of me. I thought about quitting, but then I thought…” he didn’t want to continue.
“What?” asked Alma.
“This hurts to admit, but I wanted the drugs more than I wanted you. That’s why I turned into such a prick, and that’s how I knew I had a problem, because nothing ever meant more to me than you — or at least that’s what I thought until that night. That’s when I knew I had to do something if I was ever going to earn you back.”