Hermie’s family goes back to the Carolingians, people who were mostly beheaded. He feels justified in wearing his black fur cap with plumes.
“You, the leader of the Luftwaffe, wearing a bullfighter’s cummerbund and plumes.”
“You think the supply sergeant will notice?”
“I notice. What are you trying to do?”
“Look like a soldier in the days of old Fred the Great, very orotund. At any rate, you know the Führer lets senior officers use their own judgment about such matters as personal detail.”
“But the Führer has simple tastes.”
“Evie, it takes a lot of money to keep the Führer humble.”
“You would do well to be so humble.”
“Don’t I pay five Reichsmarks to any one bringing me a new joke about myself?” He strutted for me in his enormous pants of soft leather, puffing out his chest under a hunting coat specially made by Stechbarth of Berlin with its green velvet collar and pleated back that allowed him to get even fatter. He spouted a German proverb: “Mitgegangen, mitgefangen, mitgehangen… fought together, captured together, hanged together.”
“You’re supposed to be cheering me up.”
Hermie went into his Roosevelt mimic, picking up the special phone that he ordered installed, a large telephone that he could dial with his mace instead of a pen. “Baw-lin? Washington calling. We don’t like waw. Eleanor and I say waw is Germany’s fawlt.”
Roosevelt didn’t sound so fearsome that way, and I laughed.
“There’s a delicious joke going around Berlin,” Hermie announced happily.
“Tell me! Tell me,” I pleaded.
“In the war room, Adolf Hitler asks his generals if it’s noon yet. General Mohnke answers by saying that if the Führer wants it to be noon, then it’s noon.”
I gave a wooly smile edged in uncertainty. It wasn’t something to laugh at, only to admire. What glorious powers Mein Führer has, even able to will time itself.
“Behind his back, they call him der Furor. Now that’s something to be proud of. Oh, I love him as much as you, Evie. He’s my conscience. But he’s not my body. Nor would he want to be. I bow to biology.” He patted the paunch between his legs and began to sing a little ditty:
“Oh, yes, I’ve heard that. It sounds defeatist,” I said.
“Not necessarily, my dear. It’s the only front-line knowledge we have. And women would do well to enjoy my each and every crate.”
“Perhaps, Hermie, perhaps it’s not in bed but on the way to bed that we learn the lessons of love.” Suddenly I became afraid that in just a few moments, I had revealed more of myself to Göring then I had ever revealed to Adi.
“Dearest, you mustn’t be profound. It’s unnecessary. And never over-sentimentalize. You know what happened to lovely Madame Bovary.”
“What happened?”
“I can’t get in to that. The Führer must get calmness from you; it makes the war easier to cope with. Don’t you know he’s constantly bombarded by reports? The only difference between the battle reports and you is that you should be completely believable.”
“I don’t see how I can have that much bearing on the war,” I said modestly.
“You may not see, but Clausewitz does.”
“And how does this Clause come to such conclusions?”
“You persevere. In your love for him.”
“A permanent love for him is always inside me.”
“Perseverance! That’s the warrior thing. Do you believe he’d let a mere woman persevere better than himself? Even an Eva Braun?”
“Are you trying to flatter me? Because I’d like that.”
“I’m only instructing you in Clausewitz who tells us that there’s a certain limitlessness in war because both sides continue to escalate in violence. Is that not so in love?”
“You mean something like Himmler’s order requiring all men to be shot in any house flying a white flag?”
“An order, no doubt, given in that awful Alsatian dialect he sometimes uses. That idiot pushes decisions down the chain of command trusting subordinates.”
“He also wants everything written on rice paper so it can be eaten if his men are captured,” I scoffed, displaying my studied insight.
“That fool. He should listen to Fats Waller. Now there’s a genius I’ve come to appreciate. Fats could probably win a war, too.”
“I always hope that generals might discuss important things with me. But like any discussions they’re likely to have with their wives, most of them won’t talk to me about anything of importance, either.”
“Be like Desdemona who tells her lover-general, Othello, that she understands a fury in his words but not the words.”
“Still, Hermie, it’s so delicious to understand and read what nobody wants you to.”
“What does such a pretty girl like you read?”
“Hemingway.”
“How did you come across Herr Hemingway?”
“Goebbels. He likes the fact that Hemingway ate monkey brains right out of monkey skulls when he was a reporter in China.”
“China? I had no idea China was Hemingway country.”
“Hemingway liked any place once he got there, Goebbels said.”
“Oh, Goebbels! And that awful wife of his! Vacuous breeders. Their libidinous energy whelping six kids while performing political arabesques.” Hermie threw his head back and laughed. “All those postcard images he cranks out for the war effort.”
“Hermie, when you drive down Unter den Linden on the way to speak at the Kroll Opera House, you toss those postcards out the car window to the crowds. You pass out those postcards of yourself at every dinner party.”
“At least they don’t contain Goebbels’ pulpit rhetoric and self-imposed idiotic nimbus. Ah, my pleasurable loathing.”
“But Hermie, Goebbels was smart enough to make Heil Hitler! the official greeting.”
“That was easy. It could have come from anyone.”
“And even with the Russians who are now our enemy, Goebbels talks about Tolstoy,” I said. “So lovingly does he talk about Tolstoy that I can’t stop reading War and Peace.”
“Your taste in reading is quite unbourgeois, Evie. But keep in mind the counterintuitive fact that it’s the number of wars that control the number of peaces.”
“Goebbels once tried to get Adi to reconsider Russia. Because of Tolstoy.”
“Evie, Goebbels never had the balls to talk the Führer out of anything. And certainly not Russia. Everyone knows that Tolstoy is more a Communist in his thinking than Lenin. Oh, Goebbels thinks of himself as an artist. He likes to hang out in literary places like Schwannecke where the men wear pencils behind their ears and have minds as small as the tables they sit behind. But he couldn’t get his book published. And he doesn’t pretend to read Proust. In the Proustian use of three adjectives, Goebbels is dull-duller-dullest.”
“I heard Proust was Jewish.”
“No excuse, my dear, for not reading Swann’s Way. Leave the undesirables to Gestapo Chief Heinrich Müller and his PrinzAlbrecht Strasse thugs along with the hopelessly inept International Committee of the Red Cross.”
“I’ve seen lines of women and children waiting at the Berlin-Grunewald Station for a deportation train. Is it true what they say? They’re going to a concentration camp?”
“Geheime Reichssache. Secret matters of the Reich. One can go back as far as 1297 and read a Berlin decree that forbids weavers to buy yarn from Jews. Didn’t the British start camps in their colonies in the Boer War? Americans put their Indians on reservations. And don’t forget the Armenians. Their demise inspired us. We only copied these inventions. You must not say concentration camp, Eva. Think of resettlement. Besides, wounded Jewish veterans from the trenches of World War I are not sent east but instead to Theresienstadt. And I understand Eichmann’s office sometimes issues a collective passport for many of them. It’s an honor for Jews to wear the yellow star. The yellow patch is patterned after times and places in the Middle Ages. It’s nothing new.”