He didn’t recognize his own voice when he said: “I love you.”
She looked at him, still not certain what he was talking about. She waited for him to explain.
And, because he loved her, because he could never hold anything back from her, he told her. He told her all of it, from the beginning to the end, from Alpha to Omega. He didn’t omit a thing.
His voice never changed expression while he spoke. His eyes never wavered from hers. The words poured out of him one after the other and she listened in absolute unprotesting silence until he was finished.
When he stopped talking there was silence that was louder than words. They looked at each other; then her gaze dropped to her feet.
A small voice said: “It can’t happen, Ralph.”
He waited for her to say more.
“I wish this hadn’t happened,” she went on. “I should have known it was too good to be true, the kind of thing we had. We became so close that I should have seen this coming. I guess I didn’t because I didn’t want to.”
He didn’t say anything.
“Don’t love me, Ralph.”
“I can’t help it.”
“No, of course not. I suppose you’ve been fighting the whole affair too. But I can’t help wishing I could just take your love and turn it off.”
“Like a faucet?”
“Like a faucet. But I guess things don’t work out that way.”
“Not love.”
“Love.” She spoke the word not bitterly or sarcastically but in a tone totally devoid of expression as if she was trying the word out on her tongue to see how it sounded coming from her lips.
“Love,” she repeated.
He hesitated. Then he said: “Susan, don’t you feel anything for me?”
“Of course I do.”
“Tell me what you feel.”
She considered for a moment, trying to get the words in the right order. “It’s hard to explain, Ralph. I… well, I like you very much, but that doesn’t describe it. I feel very close to you and I care an awful lot about you and I like to be near you and—”
She broke off.
He lit another cigarette. He took one puff of it and expelled the smoke in a rush. Then he watched the cigarette as it rested between his fingers, watching the smoke curl toward the ceiling.
“I think I’m in love with you, Ralph.”
His heart sang. But there was something in her tone that made him wait for her to finish.
She said: “But it’s not the same kind of love, Ralph. I love you and I want to be near you. And I want to talk to you and I want you to talk to me and… and I suppose in a selfish way I want you to love me. It’s selfish of me and not right at all but it’s something I can’t help. I love you, Ralph. I must have known it unconsciously all along; when you told me how you felt I couldn’t dodge it any more. I’m in love with you.
“But… but I don’t want to make love with you or to have you kiss me or touch me or anything. I don’t want that, and, I mean—”
She broke off again. He could see tears welling up in the corners of her brown eyes and he sensed the tenseness of her facial muscles as she struggled to keep the tears from flowing down her face.
“Ralph, do you see what I mean?”
He nodded.
“Then you see that it could never work out. Nothing could work out. I love you — but you could never touch me. Our love could never get off the ground.”
He started to say something but stopped.
“It’s no use, Ralph.”
“Susan—”
“Go ahead.”
“Susan, we can give it a chance. I’ve already told you that sex isn’t the main thing. It can wait, darling. We can wait with it until you’re ready. And I think you will be ready in time, ready to love me as fully as any woman ever loved any man. But it will take time, probably a great deal of time. There are a whole lot of fears and worries that have to go first.
“I’m willing to wait, Susan.”
He could hear the wind outside the window. He could hear the clock ticking in the other room. He could hear Susan breathing very quickly and shallowly.
She said: “I’m afraid.”
“There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“It’s not fair, Ralph. It’s not fair to you.”
“I’m not complaining.”
She thought for a moment.
“No,” she said, positively, “I can’t ask anything like that of you. It’s just not fair.”
“You’re not asking me, darling. I’m asking you.”
“You know what I mean. It’s too much to expect of any man. Why, it’s possible that I would never be able to love you in a sexual way. We would go on forever and after a little while we’d be making each other miserable. You’d hate me, Ralph.”
“I couldn’t possibly hate you. No matter what happened, no matter what you did or didn’t do.”
“That’s not true. You’d keep wanting me and I wouldn’t want you and… and before very long we’d be at each other’s throat constantly. It wouldn’t be good that way, Ralph.”
“You’ve got to give it a chance.”
“A chance?”
He nodded. “You can’t drop things like this. We have to know, darling. This is too important to risk losing it so easily.”
They fell silent. Outside the wind was blowing faster and the sky was getting darker with clouds obscuring the face of the sun. The air grew cooler.
“Ralph.”
He looked at her.
“Come here.”
He walked to her side. He looked at her, his eyes studying the brown hair, the well-formed breasts, the slender waist. Her hands were still unconsciously arranged over her groin in the pose they had been using, and he wondered if it indicated anything more than that she hadn’t thought to move them. Perhaps, unconsciously, she was protecting herself, keeping her body safe from him by the gesture.
“Kiss me, Ralph.”
He didn’t question her. He knelt beside her, his head swimming at being so close to her naked form. He brought his face close to hers and touched her lips with his, gently, tenderly.
The kiss lasted only an instant. Then he drew away and smiled hesitantly at her.
“Kiss me the way… the way a man kisses a woman that he’s in love with.”
He didn’t need encouragement. He kissed her the way he had wanted to kiss her in the first place, the way he had wanted to kiss her for days now. His lips pressed down upon hers and his arms locked around her, pulling them together. He kneeled on the chair and leaned his body against hers. His lips forced hers apart and his tongue slipped into her mouth, seeking, caressing her mouth and tongue.
The kiss took a long time. Before it ended he felt her go limp and he was unsure whether the limpness was a sign of response or rejection.
He found out.
When they broke apart she fell back in the chair and he sat down heavily on the floor at her feet. He looked up into her eyes and she looked down at him and their eyes locked.
At first her face was expressionless. Then her shoulders sank and her eyes flooded over with the tears she had been holding back so long.
And he knew, and the knowledge hit him in the head like a poleax.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
“Yes, there is.”
“Nothing that’s your fault.”
“It’s not your fault either.”
He didn’t say anything. There didn’t seem to be anything to say. Slowly he pulled himself to a standing position and looked down at her once again, trying with his eyes to delve into the girl, to understand precisely what made her tick and what was keeping her from loving him in the same way that he loved her.
She smiled sadly.
“You didn’t mind the first time I kissed you.”
“It was a different sort of a kiss,” she said. “It was almost a… a friendly kiss, Ralph. Not passionate in the least.”