Carol walked beside Jennifer, her arm draped supportively across Jennifer’s shoulders. “I’m so sorry, Jennifer. I had no idea.”
“Don’t apologize, Carol. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset. There’s no reason you would have known.”
“But still, I should have given you more credit. I guess it says something about our society when everyone’s first guess is that the sex happened, not that it didn’t.”
“Yeah, I suppose. I think it’s my dad’s fault.”
“What does your dad have to do with Doug?”
Jennifer shook her head. “He doesn’t have anything to do with Doug. He’s why I reacted so harshly when you thought I had sex with Doug.”
“Was he a preacher or something?”
“A preacher?” Jennifer laughed. “There’s a funny thought — my dad a preacher.”
Carol laughed along with Jennifer. “I’m not sure why that’s so funny, but at least you’re smiling. So fill me in on the joke. How’s your reaction related to your father?”
“My dad is a truck driver.”
“I don’t get it. Was he really protective of you, or something?”
“No, I wouldn’t say that.” Jennifer was quiet as they walked, trying to figure out how best to explain her family dynamics to Carol, and Carol just waited, willing to listen. Finally Jennifer had her thoughts collected. “Dad would be gone for weeks at a time. My mother was, correct that, is a wonderful, pure woman. It was her doctor who clued her in on the fact that dad was unfaithful.”
Carol nodded. “I see.”
“I was just twelve at the time, so I didn’t understand everything that was going on. My sister, she’s four years older than me, she explained everything to me when I was in high school. All I knew before that was that mom and dad didn’t love each other anymore. I had spent three weeks riding with dad that summer and thought it had something to do with me, or at least that I should have been able to fix things.”
“You don’t still hold yourself responsible for their marriage breaking up, do you?” Carol asked.
“No, I realize the problems were theirs, not mine. But I’ll always remember how what my father did affected my mother. It was months before I didn’t hear her cry anymore at night; she was such an emotional wreck that she even lost her job as a teacher. My mom was beautiful, and not even forty, but she refused to date anyone, let alone get serious with anyone, because she didn’t ever want to pass along to someone else what dad had given to her.”
“How long did it take you to get over it? That would be tough on a young girl.”
“I’m not sure that I ever fully have. I was right at that age when girls start to think about boys and here I was, passionately hating the most important man in my life. It took me a long time. I dated a half a dozen times in high school, but I never let myself get close to any boys. I didn’t want to allow anyone to do to me what my father did to my mother.”
“Well, you’re happily married now, so you must’ve gotten past that.”
“I’ve gotten over it for the most part, but Kyle doesn’t even know the whole story. It’s just mom, my sister, and me that are in on the family secret, a skeleton mom wants buried with her. I’m surprised I even told you.”
“Your secret’s safe with me. I am sorry, again, that I assumed what I did.”
“It’s fine. It’s been over twenty years since my parents divorced, so the wound’s healed over for the most part; there’s just a lot of scar tissue that doesn’t want to disappear.”
They arrived at Carol’s house, and Jennifer finished telling Carol about her troubles with Doug while they snacked on apples picked from a tree in Carol’s backyard.
“So what are you going to do?” Carol asked when Jennifer seemed talked out.
Jennifer shook her head. “I don’t know. On different days I have different feelings. If he had tried to get in the house last Friday, I was so mad I would have shot him and not thought twice about it. Then today, before his little stunt, I was thinking, hey, he’s not such a bad guy. I bet he just got carried away and things will be civil between us. But then he got handsy under the table, and I wanted to shoot him again.” Jennifer ran her hands through her hair as she spoke then dropped them to the table in exasperation. “What do you think I should do?”
Carol absentmindedly wiped at smudges on the table with a dishtowel. “I don’t know what to tell you,” she said. “I’ve never had to deal with a situation like this.”
“Sometimes I ask myself if it wouldn’t be easier to just give Doug what he wants. I mean, if I do, who’s going to know except for him and me, and now maybe you? Maybe then he’d get bored with me and go away. Like he says, I don’t even know if Kyle is still alive, so what am I saving myself for. But, if I do it,” Jennifer paused, trying to swallow the idea. “If I do it, I’ve still got to live with myself.”
“Jenn, men will never understand, and a lot of women don’t either, but sex can never be a casual thing for us. For guys it can, apparently, but not us; it’s tied in too closely with our emotions, and it messes with our feelings. My second daughter had to learn that the hard way. She dated this boy for about six months, and at some point things got sexual. Then something happened, and he moved on, but she couldn’t. As far as I know, he never gave her a second thought, but she was depressed for weeks, even started thinking suicide. These naive kids think that a condom eliminates all of the residual effects of sex, but it doesn’t. It might prevent a baby, but there’s so much more to it than what they’re told to expect. I guess that’s what happens when you get your information at school or on TV.” Carol looked at Jennifer and chuckled. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to climb up on my soapbox and lecture, but after a couple months in therapy with my daughter, I got pretty opinionated on the subject.”
“Don’t apologize, Carol. I spilled my guts to you, it’s only fair you get to vent a little, too. Besides, I feel the same way, and it’s nice to hear someone else confirm my thoughts. I honestly don’t think things would be better if I have sex with Doug. He might be happier, but I know I wouldn’t be. What do I do though? What he did today was tell me he’s still there; I’m sure of it. It’s not like he was expecting that I was going to crawl under the table and let him take me on the floor. He was telling me that last week wasn’t the end, that he’s not afraid of me.”
“Do you think the council could do anything?” Carol asked. “He seems to feel important there. Maybe we could lean on him a little bit.”
Jennifer shook her head. “I don’t think so. What could the council do anyway? We can barely even get people to share their generators and food. How’s anyone going to stop the guy with the biggest weapons from coming on to me? There isn’t even a jail, for Pete’s sake. And for that matter, I’m not even sure that what he’s done is illegal. I can promise you it was heading in that direction, but nobody gets locked up for kissing, not even if they’ve got a record.”
Both of them thought about the problem, Jennifer picking at her last piece of apple and Carol twisting the towel she held, but there was no easy solution. Jennifer finally spoke. “Do you think one of the towns around here has a functioning police department? Maybe someone Doug worked with could talk to him.”
Carol shook her head. “I don’t think so, Jennifer. From what I hear, our little community is doing pretty good.”
Jennifer looked at Carol quizzically. “What do you mean?”
“I was talking to Craig after the meeting. Earlier this week he rode his horse to Missoula to visit a brother. Said things are pretty bad there. Apparently, at first people just looted from stores and suffered along with what food they had. But after a week or so they realized that nobody would be stepping in to fix things any time soon, and the new furniture and the nice TVs they’d taken weren’t going to keep them alive. That’s when people started getting desperate, forming gangs and stuff. Craig said his brother’s scared and is going to bring his family out here as soon as he can get their things together, hopefully before it gets too much worse.”