Matt clasped his hands together; he looked awkward, as though he didn’t know what to say to me. He hardly ever visited my house, I was always the one going there. He didn’t suit sitting in it.
‘I don’t know the details, Steph,’ he said. ‘But I’m so sorry.’
‘Did Neil say anything to you about it?’
‘God no! To be honest we don’t really talk outside of family gatherings. I don’t think he likes me that much.’
He was right. Neil never had anything good to say about Matt. ‘Full of himself; I’m sure he’s going a bit thin on top; putting on a bit of weight is our Matt.’ Neil could be a right bitch. I wrote it off as harmless jealousy at the time; he was nice to Matt’s face – overly so, to the point that it appeared a little obsequious. Neil hadn’t attended the last few family meals; he was always working on some important project. I should’ve noticed him quietly removing himself from my family.
‘I’m here for you, Steph,’ said Matt. ‘Anytime you need to talk.’
It was strange hearing him say I. Whenever Emma and Matt usually spoke it was as a collective: ‘We’re getting this for Grace’; ‘Are you coming round to ours?’ Neil and I never talked like that.
I lean forward and look at him now – this man I have known for as long as Emma has. When I think about it, Emma had been rather distracted – she does that sometimes when she’s having a hard time at work and doesn’t want to bother anyone with her troubles. ‘Everyone has better things to think about than my problems,’ she always says, but she doesn’t mean it. Perhaps she includes Matt in everyone.
My hand reaches over to him; it hovers for a few seconds before I pat his back. I can’t do anything else.
Chapter Fourteen
The only words I’ve said to George since the ferry are yes, no and thank you. And we’ve been driving for over a hundred hours or whatever it is. I’m usually a chatterbox in the car – Mummy would have told me to keep it zipped at least twenty times if she were driving me. My bum is burning I’ve been sitting on it for that long.
‘Come on, kid.’ He keeps trying to talk to me. ‘I’m getting bored driving, listening to bloody French radio stations. You’re not still mad at me, are you?’
He was mad at me, but I can’t say that. He’d tell me off again. He can just turn. I’ve seen grown-ups do that. I keep trying to guess to myself how old he is. He’s older than Daddy, but not as old as Gran. His hair is black, but it has loads of streaks of grey, and he’s either got a lot of hair gel in it, or it needs washing. That’s what Mummy says about Daddy’s, though he doesn’t wear hair gel much these days.
Tears come to my eyes when I think of Mummy and Daddy. They’ll be missing me by now. Are they really waiting for me in Belgium? George won’t let me talk to them on the phone. It would be good to hear their voices, then I won’t miss them as much.
I have to blink really fast to stop the tears. I daren’t ask George about Mummy any more. Every time I do, he shouts at me. For the fiftieth fucking time, stop talking about Mummy and Daddy. I’ll leave you in a field if you’re not careful. It was dark when he said that.
Out of the window, the land is flat. It’s like I can see for miles, but I can’t see England. We’re nowhere near the sea.
‘When are we stopping for food?’ It’s my tummy that told my mouth to talk. My brain didn’t want it to.
‘Ah, so it does speak.’ He reaches over to the passenger seat and puts a cap on his head. It’s not a nice cap like Abigail from school got from Disneyland, but a beige one – like a grandad would wear. ‘Once we cross the border, we’ll stop off somewhere. Promise. We just have to get past these bastards.’
He’s the only man I’ve ever met that would do swearing in front of a kid. My gran would have a coronary if she heard him.
In front of us, cars are lined up in rows. There are little houses in the middle of the road that everyone is stopping beside. George turns round.
‘Listen, kid. They might call you by a different name, but it’s just a game. We’re playing at pretend. If you win, and they don’t guess your real name, then I’ll buy you some sweets after your dinner. Deal?’
I nod. I just heard different name and sweets. I’m quite good at pretending. In my first school play, I was Mary – and I didn’t have to say anything. All the grown-ups believed I actually was Mary. ‘George’ might not even be his real name; I said it twice ten minutes ago and he didn’t reply. He was probably ignoring me again.
He can’t sit still in his seat. He must have ants in his pants. He turns round again.
‘Are you all right? Just be calm, everything will be okay.’
I am calm.
He wiggles his fingers on the steering wheel.
‘Come on, man. You can do it. Ten grand, ten grand. All the booze I can drink. Come on, man.’
He thinks he’s whispering, but he’s not doing it properly.
The car stops. George winds down the window, and says something. It’s not English.
He hands them some paper, but I can’t see what’s on it. He told me to look out of my side, so I can’t peek too much.
A face appears at the window. A man with a grey beard. He’s wearing a flat hat, like a policeman’s. He points at me and makes circle shapes with his hand. It makes me laugh.
‘He’s telling you to wind the window down.’ George doesn’t sound mad, or happy.
I grab the handle with two hands and wind it round until the window is halfway down. The man squints at me. He’s really close, but his nose doesn’t come through the window. Is he a policeman? Shall I tell him that I’ve lost my mummy? I wish I knew how to speak the way George does. I’m trying to smile but my eyes are watering.
He stands back up and walks slowly round the car. He bends down to talk to George.
‘Die Kind ist acht?’
He’s talking like they sing in that song. I wish I knew more words than ninety-nine red balloons.
‘Ja weiß ich,’ says George. ‘Wir hören dass die ganze Zeit. Das arme Kind ist klein für ihr Alter.’
The man in the uniform laughs, but I can’t hear what he says back. I wouldn’t be able to understand it anyway. The guard hits the top of the car twice and says, ‘Willkommen zurück nach Deutschland.’ And we drive away.
After three minutes, George flings off his cap. He bangs the steering wheel three times with his fists. ‘Get the hell in! We did it, kid. That was the worst one – they’re right tough sods, those German border bastards. We’ve only gone and fucking done it. We’re in Germany, little one!’
Germany? My mummy’s never been to Germany before. Why would she be here?
I look out of the window, and it’s raining.
So are my eyes.
Chapter Fifteen
Why have I woken?
It takes me a few blinks to realise where I am: on Emma and Matt’s sofa. Another few moments and I remember why I feel so ill. I need water – my mouth is so dry and my head is pounding.
I sit up. A chilly soft breeze flutters over my face, through my hair. It feels so refreshing.
Shit.
The front door’s open.
In the moonlight, I can see Matt asleep on the sofa by the window. I crawl towards him.