“No, Tyler, I suggested it because I think it’s a bad idea, and I wanted to make sure we continued with today’s trend.”
“Are you being sarcastic?”
“Do you think I’m being sarcastic?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
“We can’t fight amongst ourselves,” said Adam. “That’s what it wants.”
“That’s what what wants?”
“I’m not sure. But don’t you sense that? I can’t quite describe it, but don’t you have the feeling that something’s just a little bit off?”
“Well, yeah, once Mr. Click’s leg shot across the classroom, I started to think that the universe might have gone a bit askew.” “See, more sarcasm. It wants us to be sarcastic. Snark is its weapon.”
“You’re an idiot,” I told him.
“That’s not snark. That’s just rude.”
“Look, we need to not turn this into something bigger than it is. We’re not wandering around The Twilight Zone.”
“Twilight Zone!” said Adam. “That’s what I was trying to think of! Yeah, it’s like we’re in The Twilight Zone! Thank you! That was driving me crazy.”
“I’m serious. You need to stop getting carried away,” I said. “We’re still in the real world, except that voodoo exists. Everything else is normal.”
“Look!” Adam said, pointing ahead. “That pay phone is the exact same one we just passed! We’re in a loop!”
The three of us walked over to the phone. “No, it’s not,” said
Kelley. “The other one had different graffiti, and the nine key was missing. This one doesn’t look anything like it.”
Adam studied the phone, then nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. Also, this one doesn’t have a cord.”
We each cursed in turn and then resumed walking.
“I think we’re getting close to some houses,” Kelley said. “Somebody is going to be nice and let us use their phone.” “What if we knock on the door of a meth lab?” asked Adam. “As long as it’s a meth lab with a phone, I don’t care.”
“I care,” I said. “Let’s skip the meth lab if possible.”
The neighborhood was well lit, and none of the homes looked as if they were dangerous hotbeds of illegal activity. A middle- aged man was walking his Schnauzer at the far end of the block, but he turned around when he noticed us.
At the closest corner was a one-story white home with a white truck in the driveway. The lawn needed mowing, but not in a the- owner-was-murdered-weeks-ago-and-nobody-is-maintaining- the-yard sort of way.
“What approach should we take?” I asked.
“No special approach,” said Kelley. “We just say that you’ve been hurt and ask if we can use their phone.”
“What if they say no but they’ll call an ambulance for us?”
“I don’t know. We’ll just play it by ear.” Kelley paused and massaged her scalp, as if she had a skull-crushing headache. “Sorry, I forgot who I’m with. Playing it by ear is a terrible idea. Okay, if they say no but offer to call 911 for us.. .we pretty much have to let them, right? Otherwise it would look too suspicious.” “Yeah, I guess so.” We walked up to the front porch, but I didn’t go up the two steps with Kelley and Adam. “I’ll wait here so I don’t track blood on the porch,” I said.
Kelley rang the doorbell.
Inside, a dog barked.
The peephole went dark for a moment, and then the door opened a couple of inches, as far as the inside chain lock would go. A heavyset man in a white T-shirt narrowed his eyes at us.
“Unless you’re selling Girl Scout cookies, I’m not buying anything.”
“We’re not soliciting,” said Kelley. She gestured at me. “My boyfriend lost a couple of toes. Do you have a phone we could borrow?”
“How’d he lose the toes?”
“Fireworks.”
“Serves the little bastard right.”
He slammed the door.
“Next house?” I asked.
Kelley shook her head. She rang the doorbell again. The peephole went dark, as if the guy were checking that it was still us on his porch, and then he reopened the door.
“What?”
“We really need a phone.”
“Last year, you little crapheads shot those things off until two in the morning. My dog spent eight hours hiding under the bed, and when I finally dragged her out, all of her fur had fallen off.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“You and your blown-off toes can just bite me. I wish you’d swallowed one.”
“We’ll ask somebody else.”
“And why don’t they sell Girl Scout cookies in stores? Why do you take a product that people actually want to buy and put a stranglehold on it like that? Tell you what, you find me a box of Thin frickin’ Mints, and you can use my phone to call 1-800 horoscope numbers for all I care.”
“Thank you for your time.”
“Have you ever seen a Shih Tzu without fur? You can’t un-see that. It’ll haunt your dreams.”
“We’re leaving now.”
“Know what the Boy Scouts tried to sell me? Tickets to the Scout-O-Rama. Why the hell would I ever want to go to the Scout-O-Rama? Did you bastards mess with my satellite dish? Because I haven’t been able to get Showtime on Demand to work all evening.”
Kelley and Adam turned and walked off the man’s front porch. He slammed the door shut. Without a word, we walked to the next house.
Kelley rang the doorbell. Inside the house, a recorded voice that sounded a lot like Cookie Monster said, “Doorbell! Doorbell!” It was, I have to admit, a pretty cool doorbell ringtone.
The front door opened, revealing an old man with Albert Einstein hair. “May I help you?” he asked.
“Could we borrow your phone?” Kelley asked. She gestured to me. “A car ran over my boyfriend’s foot.”
“So much blood,” said the old man, nodding approvingly. “So much blood.”
“Your phone?”
“Tell me, young lady, are you frightened? Right now?”
“A little.”
“Because you look like the perfect candidates for my experiment...” He smiled. “...in fear.”
CHAPTER 17
“I think we’ll try another house,” said Kelley.
“All right. I hope your boyfriend’s foot gets better.”
We walked to the next house. Kelley rang the doorbell. The guy who answered was unshaven and wore a base-ball cap.
“Sorry to disturb you, but could we borrow your phone?” Kelley asked. “My boyfriend was carving lumber, and the saw blade popped loose and cut off his toes.”
“Ooooohhhhh no, no, no,” said the guy. “I’m not falling for that one! Go steal somebody else’s phone.”
“We’re not trying to steal anything.”
“Uh-huh. Yeah, right. Like anybody really loses toes.”
“It’s true,” I said, lifting my injured foot.
“Uh-huh. Karo syrup and red food coloring. I may have been born in a barn, but I wasn’t born in a barn last week.”
“No, really, I’ll take off the cloth if you want to see the red spongy part.”
“Find another sucker. Not of blood.. .you know what I mean.” He shut the door. We walked to the next house.
“I should do the talking this time,” Adam suggested.
“So, what, you’re saying that the mad scientist would have acted normal if you’d been the one talking?” Kelley asked. “Maybe this neighborhood hates women.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“I deserve a chance.”
I waved my hand. “I’m the one who’s going to bleed out, so I get to decide. Kelley should talk, one hundred percent.”
“Why not let me redeem myself?”
“We’ll be on the lookout for another way for you to redeem yourself.”
“Fine. Whatever. I just hope we find a phone before gangrene sets in.”