“Gangrene takes.” I trailed off, because I suddenly realized that I didn’t have the slightest idea how long gangrene took to set in. Had we covered gangrene in biology class? What if my foot was already infected? What if I peeled off the cloth and was greeted by the sight of a blackened, shriveled, rotten-apple- looking appendage that was only recognizable as my foot because it was stuck to the end of my leg?
“It takes about forty-eight hours,” said Kelley.
“Oh well, I’m glad you studied up on gangrene for tonight,” said Adam. “How do we know she’s right? Is she a doctor? Is she even a medical student? Why would she even want to know something like that?”
“Excuse me for taking an interest in the world around me and retaining information!” said Kelley. “If you think Tyler has some genetically enhanced super-strain of gangrene, fine, you do the talking.”
“No, no, I still vote for you talking,” I said. “I trust you on the gangrene. Completely. Just ring the doorbell.”
Kelley rang the doorbell. A smiling blonde woman who looked about my mom’s age answered. She wore an apron over her light blue dress and an oven mitt.
“Well, hello,” she said. She called inside the house. “Glenn! Donna! Franklin! We have guests!”
“Could we borrow your phone?” Kelley asked. “My boyfriend—” “Of course you can borrow our phone. What a silly thing to ask. What kind of Basers would we be otherwise?”
“Basers?”
“Yes, Basers,” said the woman, offering no further explanation. “Oh, where are my manners? I keep losing those silly things, don’t I? My name is Mildred. You already know Glenn, Donna, and Franklin.”
Three people stepped into the foyer behind her. Glenn (identifiable because he wore a pullover sweater with “Glenn” on the front) had slicked back hair and a wide smile with perfect teeth. I assume he was Mildred’s husband, because he put his arm around her waist and pulled her close while she beamed.
Donna and Franklin didn’t wear their names on their clothes, but it wasn’t difficult to tell who was who. They were both teenagers, probably even sixteen-year-olds like us, and it kind of looked like they were twins. They were good-looking and had much better complexions than any of the three of us. Their teeth were also perfect, although not too perfect...I mean, I wasn’t ready to scream, “Their teeth! They’re unnaturally white!” or anything like that. They simply had nice teeth.
They were both wearing pajamas, which I guess wasn’t too weird, even though it was only about eight o’clock. I mean, if you’re not planning to go anywhere, you might as well be comfy.
Mildred’s smile faltered. “It is polite to introduce yourself when meeting strangers for the first time,” she said.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” said Kelley. “I’m Kelley, with two e’s.” “Where are the e’s?” Glenn asked.
“One before the two l’s, one after the two l’s.”
Glenn seemed to go over that in his mind. “Ah. Nontraditional spelling, I see.”
“It’s not that uncommon, but yeah, a lot of people get it wrong.” “I’m Adam,” said Adam.
“Adam, eh?” asked Glenn. “I guess we’d better make sure to keep you away from our apples!”
Mildred, Glenn, Donna, and Franklin all laughed.
“But that doesn’t mean he can’t have some of my delicious homemade apple pie!” said Mildred.
“Oh no, we wouldn’t deny anybody that!” said Glenn. “That would be far too cruel!”
“And I’m Tyler,” I said, giving them a friendly wave. “I’m the one who’s hurt.”
“Oh, you poor dear,” said Mildred, stepping out ofher doorway and looking down at my foot. “That is a grotesque injury, isn’t it? Well, come on inside, and we’ll get you all disinfected.”
“I don’t want to get blood all over your floor,” I said. “If we could borrow your phone, we’ll just wait outside.”
I noticed that Donna was giving Adam the kind of look that a guy like Adam didn’t get from many (also defined as “any”) women. This really surprised me, considering the vast chasm between their levels of physical attractiveness. I’m not trying to be superficial, but c’mon, there are societal norms.
“Now don’t you worry about our floor,” Mildred told me. “Everybody has blood, so I’d be a pretty darn big hypocrite if I judged you for yours. It’s not like you’re going to go around rubbing your foot against our antique furniture, right?”
“No, that wasn’t my plan.”
“Well, then it’s settled. Come on in, all three of you, and get out of that humidity,” said Mildred, beckoning for us to walk into their house. “Franklin, get our guest a towel.”
Franklin was giving Kelley the kind of look that she got on a regular basis. Not quite a look that said, Give me the word and I’ll bash your boyfriend over the head with a shovel and then we can slap our tongues together for six or seven hours, but at least one that said, Yeah, baby, yeah. You know you want some of this. Sashay that cute body over here and come get yourself a big ol’ slice of pure Franklin.
I did not approve of this look.
This whole family kind of creeped me out, but as long as they had a phone, I wasn’t going to run away screaming quite yet. Adam and Kelley walked inside, and by the time I joined them, Franklin had already fetched me a nice, fluffy purple towel.
Mildred crouched down and tied it around my foot. “Don’t you worry about staining our towels. We’ve got more. You just bleed as much as you’d like.”
“Thank you.”
“We’ll get your wound cleaned out in just a tiny short minute.
In the meantime, you three youngsters sit down and relax. Everything will be fine.”
We sat down on the soft white couch in their spacious living room. The walls were decorated with religious items, and when I say “decorated,” I mean that if you took a digital photograph, there would not be one square pixel of their wall that wasn’t covered with something religious.
But it wasn’t only one religion. Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, and countless others were represented, including a bunch that I didn’t even recognize. It was like the ultimate religious smorgasbord. There was also a framed picture of “Weird Al” Yankovic, who apparently had a religious cult in his honor.
“I like your decor,” I said.
“Does it make you feel comfy?” Mildred asked.
“Yes,” I said, even though it made me feel the exact opposite. “Are you interested in religious studies?”
“Oh no. Like I said, we’re Basers.”
“Basers?”
“Only dead people know what awaits them in the afterlife. Could be heaven or hell, could be reincarnation, could be maggots. If it’s maggots, there’s really not much we can do, but if it’s anything else, intelligent people take advantage of the wide variety of theories and cover their bases. Basers.”
I tried to send powerful brain waves in Kelley’s direction: Please don’t start a religious debate with this family.. .please don’t start a religious debate with this family.. .please don’t start a religious debate with this family.
“Sounds like you’re being very thorough,” said Kelley.
“As thorough as we can be,” said Glenn. “It would be a huge bummer to put in all of this time and effort only to find out that the winner was some religion practiced by a tribe of six in Southern Australia.”
“A mega-mega bummer,” Kelley agreed. “Can we use your phone?”
“Who would you like to call?” asked Mildred.
“A friend to pick us up,” I said.
Mildred continued to smile as she shook her head. “Oh no, darling. I don’t think so.”