Kelley stifled a sob and then leaned over and gave me a passionate kiss on the lips. It was as if for one moment all of our problems had disappeared and our souls were joined as one... although I also have to say that vampires are lying to you about kissing with blood on your lips being arousing. It’s really kind of gross. Don’t try it.
“Be careful,” said Adam. “We need you to come back in one piece.”
“Seriously?” I asked. “I could be headed to my death, and you think the last thing I want to hear is a joke like that?”
“What?” Adam looked genuinely confused, and then realization hit him. “Ooohhhh. No, I wasn’t trying to be funny. I honestly wasn’t even thinking about your missing toes and ear. That’s just what you say to people. My bad.”
“Look, I know I don’t have much time,” I said. “And I don’t want to make any big speeches because I’m pretty sure I’m not going to die. But I am going to put myself in a situation where the guy with my life in his hands could go into a murderous rage, so if it does come to that, I’m gonna miss you guys.”
Now Adam had tears in his eyes. “We’re gonna miss you too.”
“So, um, I don’t know how I’m going to behave if he really does decide to kill me. I’d like to think that I’ll be dignified about it, but I can’t promise that. What I’d like to ask is that if I do anything that you know I wouldn’t want to be part of my legacy.I don’t mean crying, that’s okay, but if I do anything that’s utterly embarrassing, just completely cowardly and pathetic, could you leave that part out when you tell people about this? I mean, you don’t have to say that I acted like Conan the Barbarian or anything like that. Just don’t share anything where my family would be glad I’m dead.”
“We’ve got you covered,” Adam promised.
Mildred pressed a button, and the electric rear door of the minivan slowly slid open with a loud whirring noise. I gave Kelley one last kiss and then got out of the vehicle. The electric door slowly slid closed again, and the minivan drove away, leaving me alone on the sidewalk, holding the suitcase.
It would be okay.
Certainly no harm could come to a teenage boy holding a suitcase in a high-crime area after dark.
I stood there for a moment, my heart racing, my stomach in knots, and my elbow twitching. And without a family of psychos to distract me, I had the opportunity to reflect upon how much my ear hurt.
It really hurt.
I could barely think straight. It’s not as if I had been making quality decisions before my ear exploded or even before my toes launched, but this was like trying to concentrate with a million stinging fire ants squirming around in my ear canal.
I kept standing there. It would definitely be anticlimactic if I bled to death before he showed up. The rest of this book would just be blank pages. I was feeling woozy, but I’d been feeling woozy most of the night, so I didn’t worry about it.
I continued to wait.
You didn’t see a lot of tumbleweeds in Florida, so none blew through the empty street, but it would have been appropriate.
Still waiting.
Still waiting.
Still waiting.
At least the excruciating pain was keeping me from getting bored.
Where was he? Was he waiting for me to bleed to death so he could just swoop in and grab the suitcase? What a tacky approach. I simply couldn’t respect that. And if I was going to bleed to death, it was going to be within the next two or three hours, not the next two or three minutes, so Zeke had a long wait ahead.
Still waiting.
Repeat last sentence.
And then, finally, a taxi came around the corner. I assumed it was Zeke, but until he got closer.Okay, yeah, it was Zeke. He pulled up right next to me and then shut off the engine.
He very slowly got out of the car, closed the door, folded his arms in front of his chest, and nodded at the suitcase.
“You got the money?”
“Every penny.”
“That better not be filled with pennies.”
“It’s not.”
“Where’d you get it?”
“A friend.”
“Which friend?”
“You wouldn’t know him.”
“Name him.”
“Bob.”
“Bob who?”
“Bob—” Don’t say Barker! Don’t say Barker! “—Anderson.” Bob Anderson was in a couple of my classes, and the chances of him giving me any money were the same as the chances that he’d give me a blood transfusion that drained him completely dry, but Zeke didn’t know any of my friends.
“What does Bob Anderson do for a living?”
“He’s sixteen. He works at Burger King.”
“Then where did he get ten thousand dollars?”
“His parents.”
“Why would his parents give him that much money to give to you?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t ask him for his cover story.”
“If his family is so rich, why is he working at Burger King?” “To build character.”
“What’s his name again?”
“Bob Anderson.”
“You said Bob Henderson before.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Hmmmm.”
“Are you trying to poke holes in my story? That’s fine. I understand that, but let’s get this done so we can all go home. I’m sure you have better things to do, and I’d kind of like to get to a hospital, so let’s quit wasting time and make this deal happen!” I was trying to sound like a tough guy. You’d have to get somebody else’s opinion on my level of success.
Zeke tilted his head. “Wow. I really did mess up your ear.” “Yep.”
“Or did you do it yourself? You scamming me? You cutting up your ear to make me think it’s voodoo?”
“Is this really the way you behave?” I asked. “I mean, is this the way you spend your nights, trying to drive people to the brink of madness? Am I on one of those hidden-camera shows? Are you trying to get millions of hits on YouTube? Seriously, dude, what’s your deal?”
He frowned. “I’m new to this.”
“Well, you suck at it.”
“Got any Red Bull?”
“No.”
“Okay. Set the suitcase down at your feet and then open it.”
I didn’t much want to do that.
Zeke smiled. “If you’ve got anything you want to confess before you open it, now’s the time to speak up.”
“The money’s there,” I said.
“Good. Then we’ll have no problems. If I see anything in there but cash, it’s all over for you. Set it down. Now!”
And then.. .I came up with a plan.
It was not a brilliant plan. You’re not going to think that I’m some sort of plan-making genius. But I realized that maybe, just maybe, I might make it out of this.
I quickly reviewed my plan for opportunities for disaster. There were lots of them. Still, I had to do something, and this was the best I could come up with. If I died, well, at least I died while making an effort not to die.
Zeke’s tone quickly changed from annoyingly suspicious to angry. “I said, put it down!”
I wiped a big smear of blood from my head onto my palm and showed it to him. “I’m bleeding out of my head because of you. You’re lucky I can even stand. Give me a break, okay?”
I leaned down, making a medium-sized show of the effort it took to crouch down. I set the suitcase on the cement and then began to wobble.
“Dizzy spell,” I said. “Hold on a second.”
“You don’t have a second. Open the suitcase.”
I coughed a few times, then wiped my forehead as if I were sweating and then said, “Oh God,” and collapsed.
“You faking it?” Zeke asked.
I didn’t answer.
“I know you’re faking. I’m not that stupid. If you’re faking, I’ll kill you.”