“We need your help first,” I said.
“Are you crazy? You can’t be walking around with your ear like that! You need medical attention! At least put some ice on it for Pete’s sake!”
“It’s fine,” I assured her.
“Are you not seeing the same thing I’m seeing?” The woman turned to leave. “I’m calling an ambulance!”
“No! Please! We really need your help.”
“Doesn’t that hurt?”
“Yes. Bad.” I set the doll on the counter. “Please, whatever you did to this, I need you to undo.”
The woman turned back around and inspected the doll. “I didn’t do anything to that.”
I bit down on the sides of my mouth to keep from screaming in frustration. Was it really so much to ask to have one, just one conversation tonight that didn’t make me want to rip out every single piece of hair on my head and then paint over my scalp so that new hair couldn’t grow back in its place?
(Yes, that’s the exact thought I had at the time.)
The beaded curtain rustled, and another woman pushed her way through. She was dressed in similar black clothing and wore similar gaudy jewelry but looked like she could be the other woman’s great-great-great-great-great-grandmother.
“Who do you speak to?” she asked, her voice raspy but otherwise pleasant. Her face lit up as she looked past us. “It is he!” “Who?” I asked. I glanced back at Adam. “Him?”
She ignored my question and picked up the voodoo doll. “Ah, yes. The doll I make.” She tapped the side of its head. “It hurt your ear, yes?”
“Yes!”
“Good, good.”
“No, not good. It also killed two of my toes.”
“Yes. Very powerful magic. Very powerful.”
“We want the magic gone,” I said. “It’s too powerful. I don’t like having a doll that can do this to me. You made it too strong.” The woman smiled. “My magic very small,” she said, holding her index finger and thumb a tiny bit apart. Then she pointed at Adam. “His magic huge.” She threw her hands apart, miming an explosion. “Kaboom!”
“What?” I asked.
Adam continued to stare at the floor.
“He add to power of doll. Make it super-magical. He Chosen One.”
“ What?”
“He Adam Westell, who will stop conquest of the hobgoblins.” “Ma’am, I don’t mean to be disrespectful,” I said, “but he’s not the Chosen One. He’s a dork.”
The woman glared at me. “You regret harsh words when hobgoblins gnaw on your bones! They suck out marrow! They dine upon kidneys! He will save world! He come in asking for doll of teacher. I, Esmeralda, give him doll of teacher. His magic make my magic stronger. I see what it do on television. Teacher leg come off. He come back in and ask for doll of you. I not want to make doll, but not want to piss off Chosen One. Want to be on savior of humanity’s good side. Make doll. It work good, yes?” “What makes you think he’s the savior of humanity?” asked Kelley. The idea did not seem to enthuse her.
“Look like him.”
“Okay.”
“I give him doll for eighty dollars. Not tell him he Chosen One, and he not ask why he get such good deal. Take Chosen One blood to make very powerful syrup. He come back, wanting new doll. I tell him destiny. Give him complimentary doll. You so smart, you doubt status as Chosen One, then explain to me extreme doll power?” Esmeralda had a point about the doll, but the concept of Adam saving the world was going to take me a few decades to process.
“I cast spell of protection. Slight dimensional shift. Things not normal. Safer.”
“Safer?” I asked. “We were anything but safe tonight!”
“You go into bad neighborhood. Without spell of protection, you dead in thirty seconds. Spell not work perfect, maybe cause some strange things to happen, but overall, safer.”
“This is insane.”
“Keep blood from coming out as fast. You still alive, yes?” “Can you remove its power?” I asked. “The Chosen One doesn’t want any more of my body parts to fly off.”
“You sarcastic,” said Esmeralda. “I should kick doll across room.” “No, no, no, I apologize. I’ve known Adam for a long time, and I never really thought of him in that way, but every flower needs to bloom, I guess. I feel protected from the hobgoblins already.” “We promise to worship Adam as much as you want,” said Kelley. “But please, can you take away the doll’s power?” “Chosen One must ask.”
Adam walked over to the counter. “It would be really cool if you’d turn it back into a regular doll.”
“So I shall. Simple spell. Take fifteen, twenty seconds at most.” I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Spell do require sixteen inches ofintestine from afflicted party.” “I beg your pardon?”
“Lower intestine, though. Not big deal. Large intestine removal hurt, but you no miss lower intestine much.”
“I hope you’re kidding,” I said.
Esmeralda nodded. “Yes. Gypsy magic not humorless. Recite words, wave hands, spell over. My daughter’s role entirely with mind. Easy spell.”
“Thank God.”
“All I need is original doll and original victim.”
“Excuse me?”
“First doll.” She held up my doll. “This second doll. Need both to remove spell.”
“We didn’t bring the other doll,” I said. “It’s at my house.” “Pity.”
I closed my eyes and took several deep, calming, soothing breaths. When I opened my eyes again, my life still sucked. “Okay. We’ll get the other doll. I guess it was silly for us to think that we wouldn’t have further need of the doll after Mr. Click’s neck got broken.”
“Sarcasm again. I impale doll on car antenna.”
“I apologize again.” I rubbed my forehead to ease the oncoming headache and tried to convince myself that this was no big deal. “This is no big deal,” I said. “No big deal at all. I know exactly where the doll is, and we’ll just go get it, bring it back, and.. .did you say first victim?”
“Yes.”
“You mean my history teacher?”
“Yes.”
“You need us to bring you Mr. Click?”
“Yes. Tall order, admittedly.”
“Why didn’t your daughter tell me any of this on the phone?” Kelley asked.
“She not phone person. Too impersonal. She not fan of texting either. I think is good. Have skilled thumbs.”
“Great.”
“You not first teenagers to steal dead body. Pose as medical students. Girl distract security guard with beauty. Put history teacher on gurney and cover with sheet. Look like you know what you doing when you wheel gurney to exit. Nobody stop you.” “He’s not in the morgue anymore,” I said. “He came after us! Came after Adam, actually.”
Esmeralda frowned. “That interesting.”
“His leg was back on, and he was running around, and he kept trying to strangle Adam!”
“He probably have unfinished business. Like I say, my spell make strange things happen. This odd side effect. Not easy for cadaver to escape morgue and hospital and run down streets of city, chasing after victim without attracting attention. Kudos to Chosen One’s natural ability to enhance spell.”
“He’s in the sewer,” I said.
“Why he look for Adam in sewer?”
“No, we put him there.”
“Disrespectful to educator.”
“He was trying to strangle the Chosen One,” I said. “What else were we supposed to do?”
“Maybe he not trying to strangle. Maybe he trying to hug Chosen One’s neck.”
“Are you kidding again?” I asked.
“Yes. I make jolly.”
“So what you’re saying is that we have to drag Mr. Click out of the sewer and bring him back here.”