A Bad Day for Slugs
A Bad Day for Voodoo (rewrite)
A Bad Day for Nudity
A Bad Day for the Olympics
A Mediocre Day for Walking
A Bad Day for Taxation without Representation
A Bad Day for Lady Gaga
A Bad Day for Voodoo II (rewrite)
Harry Potter v. A Bad Day for Voodoo
A Bad Day for Licorice
A Bad Day for Taunting Llamas
A Bad Day for Sequels
Are you still reading?
Ummmm.. .I’m out of story. Sorry. I assumed that everybody would have given up by now. I’ve said everything I wanted to say, and yeah, I guess I failed to fully explore a thematic element or two, but that was on purpose.
Hmm. Maybe you have a younger brother or sister who wants to read this book, but as a responsible older sibling, you’ve said “NO!!! There’s too much blood! You’ll have nightmares!” In that case, let’s give them something they can read!
Riddle: How do you make a voodoo doll float?
Answer: Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a voodoo doll!
Actually, I think voodoo dolls float anyway. At least the ones made out of light fabric do. But it’s still kind of a funny riddle, right?
Okay, look, this book wasn’t meant for your little brother or
sister. If they’re all like “Lemme read it! Lemme read it!” tell them that they have to wait until they’re old enough to think that people losing body parts is funny, because that’s basically the whole book.
Oh.. .one more thing. Did you leave a five-star review online to help balance out all the one-star reviews this thing is going to get? That would be appreciated. I mean, don’t lie in your review or anything like that, but feel free to exaggerate. If you thought it was only three stars, maybe you were tired and had other things on your mind while you were reading it, and you didn’t truly appreciate every little nuance, like that part where I was talking to the Rottweiler. There is so much nuance in that scene that you wouldn’t even believe all of it if I told you.
I’m not asking you to commit fraud on online review sites. Certainly not. I’m just saying that if you didn’t think this book deserves five stars out of five, you might have been too worried about global warming to fully concentrate.
Your call. No pressure.
Anyway, the book is over now. Move along. Go read A Confederacy of Dunces.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
No book is the work of just one person. You need other people to tell you which parts you messed up. So, in alphabetical order by last name, because that’s the way I roll, thank you to Tod Clark, Lynne Hansen, Leah Hultenschmidt, Adrienne Jones, Michael McBride, Jim Morey, Rick Moschgat, Shane Ryan Staley, Rhonda Wilson, and Kristin Zelazko for their sharp, cruel eyes.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jeff Strand is the author of a bunch of books. Most of them are meant to be funny. He lives in Tampa, Florida, and doesn’t believe in voodoo, though he still thinks you should carry a doll around, go up to people you don’t like, and chuckle while you jab it with pins just to make them squirm. Poke around his gleefully macabre website at www.jeffstrand.com.