She attempted to give a small smile, but who could honestly smile at a time like this? Instead she wrapped her arms around my neck and said, “I love you Jason.”
The rest of the school year seemed to go by in a complete blur for both Jade and I. I felt like it was a routine for me. I would get up, go to class and act like I was paying attention and then come home and either drink myself to sleep or Jade and I would talk. While that last month of school was torture, there was also light in the darkness because it brought Jade and I closer together as siblings but it pushed Ashlynn and I further away from each other as far as becoming a couple.
Once our junior year of college ended both Jade and I packed up a week’s supply of clothes and went back to our hometown to visit our dad and talk to him. I wish I could say that our visit was pleasant, but it isn’t pleasant when you visit someone who you have hated all of your life and they’re apologizing solely because they’re dying.
What I can say is that there were many tears shed and apologies made, but no forgiveness or peace was made. All I know is that from the conversation my father and I had earlier on the telephone it showed that I’m not such a mess and that I can be with Ashlynn. I just hope that she hasn’t given up on us yet.
More importantly … on me.
“Hey thanks again for the extra room. It’s like a miracle I found a place to live on such short notice.”
My new roommate’s name was Neil James. He told me that he’d moved back to help with his family and apparently there were some issues going on but I could tell that it was close to home … literally. I totally got where the dude was coming from because I didn’t want to talk about my family issues either so whether he knew it or not we shared a common bond.
I slapped him on the back and said, “Don’t sweat it, Neil. It’s nice to have a roommate because it gets kind of lonely around here sometimes.”
Neil and I had just finished moving him into the apartment for the day. We both thought it would take a lot longer than three hours but it was still the afternoon. I decided to just relax for a Saturday night and maybe grow some balls and text Ashlynn.
I know what you guys are thinking. That I haven’t seen Ashlynn in a month or two and I don’t even have the decency to call her but I was scared shitless of her rejection and I didn’t want to hear the words come from her beautiful mouth. I didn’t want to hear a sentence that formed, “I can’t Jason.”
I decided to grab a beer from the fridge and just veg out in front of the television for a while. Neil plopped down next to me with a beer in hand and said, “Well, I was going to take my little brother and sister to the beach. You can come if you want.”
I just smiled and said, “Thanks but I’m just not in the mood for it today. Maybe some other time.”
Neil just slapped me on the back and said, “Well ok then,” and walked back to his room.
I didn’t take my eyes off the television when he came out of his room and started to walk to the door but then he said, “When I come home we’re talking about the girl on your mind Jas,” and with that he left the apartment and it gave me time to be filled with my sorrows.
I’m not sure exactly how many pep talks I had to give myself to finally text Ash, but I did, twice, and I can’t say that I blame her for saying:
Ashlynn - … no we can’t. I’m attempting to move on, you should too.
A half hour later Neil came back from the beach and told me all about this gorgeous girl he met and that he was taking her out on a date tonight. I was happy for him because at least one of us was living our life. After Neil got ready he came out to the living room and had a beer with me.
Finishing his beer he said, “Well, wish me luck. I feel lucky about this one.”
I laughed and said, “How lucky?”
He just smirked and said, “That’s for me to know, but she seems like a special one.”
A few hours later and a few more beers in my system I texted her again and just told her the truth.
Jason – I’ll never move on Ashlynn.
I was waiting for her to text back when I heard the front door unlock and open. “Back so soon Neil?”
Neil just laughed and said, “Nah, she’s here with me.”
I wanted to see the beautiful girl Neil met at the beach and took out for a date when I saw blonde hair and bright blue eyes staring at me and I said, “Ashlynn?”
I thought she was going to collapse because she barely whispered my name, “Jason.”
I couldn’t believe that Neil was talking about Ashlynn and I felt like someone kicked me in the balls because I couldn’t breathe. I looked over at Neil and he looked between me and Ashlynn and then I saw him get everything together.
He looked over at me and said, “This is her.” It was more of a statement then a question because he could see with his own eyes our reactions.
He then looked over at Ashlynn and said, “This is him.”
The fuck does he mean by that? Were they talking about me on their date? And if they were then why was Neil bringing her back to our apartment? My blood instantly boiled and I slammed the beer I was holding onto the end table and staggered on over to Ashlynn.
She looked terrified out of her mind and started walking backwards to the front door.
I was just about to reach out to her when Neil pushed me away and said, “Dude, you need to calm down.”
With words like that I completely lost it and shoved Neil away. “Fuck off Neil. You need to stay out of this.”
Neil managed to get a hold of me from behind and said, “It’s not what you think Jason. You need to calm down and I’ll explain all of it to you, okay? But dude, you seriously need to calm the fuck down. Look at Ashlynn. You’re scaring the hell out of her.”
With a shrug Neil let go of me and I looked over in Ashlynn’s direction and tears were falling down her face. I wanted to wipe them away but it felt like she fucking ripped my heart of its chest and stomped all over it. I just couldn’t deal with the dad issues and then to top it all off with a cherry my girl walking in with my roommate. What the fuck was I supposed to think?
So I walked over to her and as calmly as I could I bit out the words, “I shared something so personal with you and you just fucking ripped my heart out. I thought you were different Ashlynn but I was so wrong about you. So incredibly fucking wrong.”
The second the words left my mouth I wanted to fall to my knees and apologize but I didn’t have time because she turned her back to me and swung the front door open and ran.
I just stood there and was then shoved out of the way by Neil who didn’t even look back at me when he said, “We are going to have a long fucking talk when I get back.”
By the time I walked over to the sofa and sat down I was crying. I cried because I’d fucked this all up again. I cried because I made this mess when it wasn’t even necessary. I cried because of the words I said to Ashlynn when I didn’t mean a damn one. I cried because I just hope that she’ll have it in that huge heart of hers to forgive me yet again for being such a huge ass mess.
I didn’t even hear the door open and close when Neil walked over and sat in a chair, looked at me and said, “Well, let’s start from the beginning then Jason.”
He told me about how he met Ashlynn this afternoon at the beach and how he really liked her. He told me about how when they were at the restaurant they had a great time, but he could feel he and her were just going to be friends. He told me about how he could sense she wasn’t over someone and then she got a text. He then told me that he offered to let her vent to him about it over a couple of beers and she accepted.
“Honestly man, I had no idea that Ashlynn was the girl, but what the fuck was that all about with you? How could you treat her like that? Because I could tell you from the way she saw your text at the restaurant she wasn’t over you. That was the first time since I met her that her eyes glistened and glittered and it looked like she was really alive for the first time and taking her first breath. And in a matter of, oh I don’t know, two minutes of you seeing her you take it all away.”