No, Brian thought, I didn’t. In the distance, he heard the whistle of a train. “Did you know that Missy used to worry about the wrinkles in the corners of her eyes? Or that her favorite breakfast was French toast? Or that she always wanted to own a classic Mustang convertible? Or that when she laughed, it was all I could do to keep my hands off her? Did you know she was the first woman I’d ever loved?”
Miles paused, willing Brian to look at him.
“That’s all I have left now. Memories. And there will never be any more. You took that from me. And you took that from Jonah, too. Did you know that Jonah has had nightmares since she died? That he still cries out for his mother in his sleep? I have to take him in my arms and hold him for hours until it finally stops. Do you know how that makes me feel?”
His eyes pierced Brian’s, pinning him to the patch of ground where he stood. “I spent two years looking for the man who ruined my life. Jonah’s life. I lost those two years because it was all I could think about.” Miles glanced toward the ground and shook his head.
“I wanted to find the person who killed her. I wanted that person to know how much he’d taken away from me that night. And I wanted the man who killed Missy to pay for what he did. You have no idea how much those thoughts consumed me. Part of me still wants to kill him. To do the same thing to his family that he did to mine. And now, I’m looking at the man who did it. And this man is putting the wrong flowers on my wife’s grave.”
Brian felt his throat constrict.
“You killed my wife,” he said. “I’ll never forgive you, and I’ll never forget. When you look in the mirror, I want you to remember that. And I don’t want you to ever forget all that you took from me. You took away the person that I loved most in the world, you took my son’s mother, and you took two years from my life. Do you understand?”
After a long moment, Brian nodded.
“Then understand something else. Sarah can know what happened here, but only her. You take this conversation-and everything else-to your grave. Tell no one else about any part of it. Ever. Not your parents, not your wife, not your kids, not your minister, not your buddies. And make sure you do something with your life, something that doesn’t make me regret what I’m doing. Promise me those things.”
Miles stared, making sure Brian had heard him, until Brian nodded again. Then, Miles turned to leave. A minute later, he was gone.
Later that night, when Miles opened the door, Sarah simply stood on the doorstep looking at him wordlessly, until Miles finally stepped out, closing the door behind him.
“Jonah’s home,” he said. “We’ll talk outside.”
Sarah crossed her arms and looked out over the yard. Miles followed her eyes. “I’m not sure why I’m here,” she said. “Thanking you doesn’t seem very appropriate, but I can’t ignore what you did, either.”
Miles nodded almost imperceptibly.
“I’m so sorry for everything. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been going through.”
“No,” he said. “You can’t.”
“I didn’t know about Brian. I really didn’t.”
“I know.” He glanced toward her. “I shouldn’t have believed it otherwise. And I’m sorry for the accusations.”
Sarah shook her head. “Don’t be.”
He looked away, seeming to struggle for words. “I guess I should thank you for letting me know what really happened.”
“I had to. I didn’t have a choice.” Then, after he grew quiet again, Sarah brought her hands together. “How’s Jonah doing with all this?” “Okay. Not great. He doesn’t know anything, but I think he sensed that something was going on by the way I was acting. He’s had a couple of nightmares in the last few days. How’s he doing in school?”
“So far, he’s fine. In the last couple of days, I haven’t noticed anything unusual.”
“That’s good.”
Sarah ran a hand through her hair. “Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
Miles turned. “Why did I let Brian go?”
She nodded.
It took a long time to answer. “I saw the dog.”
She turned toward him in surprise.
“A big black dog, just like Brian said. He was running around in a yard a couple of houses up from where the accident happened.”
“You just drove by and happened to see him?”
“No, not exactly. I went looking for him.”
“To find out if Brian was telling the truth?”
He shook his head. “No, not really. I pretty much knew that he was telling the truth by then. But I had this crazy notion in my head that I just couldn’t get rid of.”
“What notion?”
“Like I said, it was crazy.”
She looked at him curiously, waiting.
“When I got home that day-when Brian told me, I mean-I just got to thinking that I had to do something. Someone had to pay for what happened, but I just didn’t know who until it hit me. So I got my father’s gun, and the next night, I went out to look for the damn dog.”
“You were going to shoot the dog?”
He shrugged. “I wasn’t sure I’d even get the chance, but as soon as I pulled up, there he was. He was chasing a squirrel through the yard.” “So you did it?”
“No. I got close enough to do it, but when I got him in my sights, I got to thinking how insane it was. I mean, I was out hunting somebody’s pet. Only someone seriously deranged would do that. So I turned around and got in my car. I let him go.”
She smiled. “Like Brian.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Like Brian.”
She reached for his hand, and after a moment, he let her take it. “I’m glad,” she said.
“I’m not. Part of me wishes that I would have. At least then I’d know that I’d done something.”
“You did do something.”
Miles squeezed her hand before letting go. “I did it for me, too. And for Jonah. It was time to let it go. I’d already lost two years of my life, and I couldn’t see the point in prolonging it anymore. Once I realized that… I don’t know… it just seemed like it was the only thing I could do. No matter what happened to Brian, Missy wasn’t coming back.”
He brought his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes, and neither one of them said anything for a while. The stars were out in full glory above them, and Miles found his eyes traveling to Polaris, the North Star. “I’m going to need some time,” he said softly.
She nodded, knowing he was talking about them, now. “I know.”
“I can’t tell you how long it’ll be, either.”
Sarah glanced toward him. “Do you want me to wait?”
It took a long moment for him to answer.
“I can’t make any promises, Sarah. About us, I mean. It’s not that I don’t love you anymore, because I do. I’ve spent the last couple of days agonizing over that fact. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me since Missy died. Hell, you’re the only good thing that happened. For Jonah, too. He asked why you haven’t been over lately, and I know he misses you. But no matter how much I want that to go on, part of me just can’t imagine it. It’s not as if I can forget what happened. And you’re his sister.”
Sarah’s lips tightened. She said nothing.
“I don’t know if I can live with that, even though you had nothing to do with it, because being with you means that in a way, I have to be with him, too. He’s your family and… I’m not ready for that. I wouldn’t be able to handle that. And I don’t know whether I’ll ever be ready.”
“We could move away,” she suggested. “We could try to start over.”
He shook his head. “No matter how far I go, this will follow. You know that…
.”
He trailed off, then looked at her. “I don’t know what to do.”