Aced the test. My dad stood outside the arena waiting for me and when I came back I told him I’d made it and he said right on twice, loudly. And then he said aha! as though he’d discovered something. He also said, when I sped up to pass a car, there you go, now you’re cooking with propane. At a stop sign I turned and looked at him and said wait a minute, are you smiling? What’s wrong? And he sucked in his cheeks the way Tash used to and maybe still did and then looked out the window at the seriously ugly little buildings lining Main Street like a mouthful of rotten teeth.
We had minestrone soup and minute steak for dinner.
I’d forgotten we were on M tonight, he said. We were sitting on the floor in the living room. My dad had taped a large piece of cardboard over the bullet hole that said DO NOT SHAKE CONTENTS on it. He asked me to describe my block and I told him I needed a triggering point, a climax and a conclusion.
To graduate, he said.
That’s what they say, I said.
Hmmm, said my dad. He stirred his soup and stared at it. I got up and went into the kitchen to look at the clock.
You’re missing Hymn Sing, I told him.
Is that right? he asked. Do you mind? He pointed at his soup.
Go ahead, I said. He took his bowl and went downstairs. I finished eating and then I cleaned up and went outside to stare at the neighbour’s wash line while I smoked a Cap and tried not to think about the obvious fact that Travis hadn’t called since I’d botched yet another common human activity that even animals seemed to be able to do instinctively. I should practise the walk, I thought. I should grow my hair back.
I went back inside and phoned him and his mom said he was doing a job in Lowe Farm. Lowe Farm, I said. How far from here is that? She thought about twenty miles. Where in Lowe Farm? I asked. Well, at someone’s house, she said. A customer’s house. Are there many houses in Lowe Farm? I asked. Maybe twenty or thirty, she said. It’s near the border. Near the border! I said. Lowe Farm is near the border? Yes, she said, between Morris and St. Jean. Well! I said, if it’s near the border I should go there. But he’s working, she said. I could help, I said. For nothing. You wouldn’t have to pay me. I’ll drive. I have my licence. I just got it today.
There was something wrong with me, I knew that much. I wanted to talk to Travis really badly. I wanted to hear him say he loved me and to really believe it.
She told me she thought he wouldn’t need my help. What do you mean? I asked. What’s the address in Lowe Farm, do you know? She said she knew, but she didn’t think it was a good idea for me to go there. Not a good idea? I said. It is so a good idea. I’m going. I don’t care if you won’t tell me where he is. I’ll just drive around until I find him. She began to say something else but I hung up on her. I could hear the choir in the basement singing I’m coming home, I’m coming home, to live my wasted life anew, For mother’s prayers have followed me, have followed me, the whole world through.
I’m taking the car! I yelled over the music, and left before Ray had the chance to not know how to respond.
I drove all over Lowe Farm. There wasn’t much to it. I didn’t see the truck anywhere. I drove to St. Jean and Morris and checked them both out. I drove down every single street. I drove back to Travis’s house and rang his doorbell. His mom came to the door in a bathrobe.
I’m sorry but I have this feeling you’re lying to me, I said. Is Travis here?
She said he wasn’t and then his dad came to the door with a newspaper and asked her what the problem was.
Nomi’s wondering where Travis is, she said.
He’s doing a job for me, said his dad.
You see, Nomi, I wasn’t lying, said his mom.
No, he’s not, I said. I drove all over fuckin’ Lowe Farm and I didn’t see him anywhere.
Please, Nomi, said his mom.
We’ll tell him you were by, said his dad.
No, no, no, don’t, I said. He’ll think I’m pathetic.
No, he won’t, said his mom. He cares about you. Oh God, this was extreme. His mother was being compassionate and Travis cared for me. I didn’t want Travis to care for me. I wanted him to shove me up against the stucco wall of the boarded-up bus depot and tell me if he couldn’t have me he’d kill himself.
Nomi, said his mom, it’s quite late, honey.
Oh, yeah, I said. I looked at the sky.
I’m…you know I think I might have forgotten something in his room. I heard Tash say: Nomi, you’re sad, man. Get a grip. Walk away. What have I taught you? And I thought: You taught me that some people can leave and some can’t and those who can will always be infinitely cooler than those who can’t and I’m one of the ones who can’t because you’re one of the ones who did and there’s this old guy in a wool suit sitting in an empty house who has no one but me now thank you very, very, very much.
What did you forget? his dad said.
Oh, I said, it was…I’m not sure, but…I think um…like, a bracelet.
You can’t remember what you forgot in his room? asked his mom. She whispered something to his dad and his dad went back into the house and she stepped outside and put her arm around my shoulder.
Nomi, she said, you’re young and you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. In five years you won’t remember any of this. His dad came back and said he couldn’t find a bracelet and then his mom asked me if I’d like to go look myself so I went inside and went downstairs to his room and stood there for a few seconds looking at things and saying goodbye to Soul, the rodent. I took a guitar pick off his crate and put it in my pocket and went back upstairs. Any luck? asked his dad and I shook my head and whispered none.
I cry when I’m angry and then I just go to sleep sometimes for a long time and when I wake up it’s usually better. It’s like waking up out of a dream even if I can’t remember the dream. I spelled Travis’s name with cigarettes, all laid out nicely in the grass in his backyard, behind the bushes and next to the wooden swing. I stared at them for a long time and then smoked the T and left the rest, hoping Ravis would understand.
twenty-seven
I was in four places last night. The Kyro Motor Inn and the hospital and the Silver Bullet and the blue field out behind the dump. It was like being in the middle of the ocean because the sun was just coming up and making the dew on it sparkle and seagulls from the dump were flying around and making a little noise so when I sat on the hood of the car it was like being on the deck of a cruise ship and I could see water for miles and miles and miles. I had this strange feeling.
It was the same feeling you get when you’ve spent a lot of time with a friend or relatives or someone and you’re kind of sick of them and want to be alone again but then the time comes for them to leave and suddenly more than anything you don’t want them to go and you act really nice again and run around doing things for them but you know that time is running out and then when they’re gone you’re kind of relieved but also sad that you hadn’t been a better friend and you tell yourself next time for sure I’ll be a better friend. And you kind of want to call them up and apologize for being a jerk but at the same time you don’t want to start something stupid and you hope the feeling will just go away and that nobody hates you.