He lifted her up and turned her around so that they were face-to-face. It didn’t help. He wanted to hit her. Hard. In the face. He wanted to tell himself that he would do it to settle her down, to get her in the house, part of the job and all, but he knew it wasn’t true. He wanted to hit her because she was a woman and a junkie and a whore, just like the girl who hadn’t married dear old Dad. That knowledge sickened him, tired him out more than everything he’d been through. He let go of her shoulders.
She knew, though. He saw in her eyes that she had seen it in his: the rage, the violence. She had flinched and braced herself for the slap she knew was coming. He saw that to her he was just another man who beat up women.
The slap didn’t come. They stood on the windy hill staring at each other. Neal could hear his heartbeat all right; it pounded along with his lungs reaching for breath. Finally, he said, “I ripped Colin off. He thinks you helped me. I let him think that-”
“Jesus… you asshole… who told you to-”
“Because I don’t want you to be with him anymore. I don’t want you shooting smack anymore.” The words came out between gulps of air, and it was as close to telling the truth as he could go right then. He walked past her into the cottage.
Allie caught her breath for a moment and then walked to the car.
Neal was trying to build a fire when she came back in. The afternoon had turned suddenly cold. He wasn’t having much luck and thought that maybe he should have joined the Boy Scouts instead of Friends of the fucking Family, when she came through the door.
“Where are my drugs?” she demanded.
“Somewhere on the M-11.”
“You sleazy cocksucker!”
“‘People who live in glass houses…” He touched the match to the old newspaper and it caught flame. He blew gently on it, as he’d seen in the movies, and had a modest success. “Don’t you think it’s cold in here?”
“It’s fucking freezing!”
“That’s because you’re starting into withdrawal. It’ll get worse. There are some wool sweaters upstairs in a wardrobe. I suggest you get a couple.”
“I suggest you get me some dope, or I’m driving right back to London.”
“Good idea. Call Colin when you get in. I’m sure he’d love to see you.”
He let her draw her own conclusions.
“Thanks for fucking up my life!”
“You’re welcome.”
“You at least owe me some dope!”
Neal added a small piece of wood to the fire and almost smothered it. He shifted things around with the poker and the fire came to life. He was concentrating hard on making the fire. It settled him down.
Then he took his shot. Carefully, because he knew that she wouldn’t be lucid much longer.
“What I owe you,” he said, “is ten thousand pounds. I figure that’s more than fair, seeing as you didn’t do a goddamn thing to earn it. But that’s not your fault. What I owe you is a chance to get off the junk and stay off, because that was also part of our deal. No more junk, no more dates.”
“What deal? We didn’t make any deal.”
“Yeah we did. Feeding the ducks. There are all kinds of ways to make a deal, Alice. Sometimes it’s on paper, sometimes it’s in words, and sometimes it’s just understood. We had an understanding, and you know it.”
“You’re crazy!”
“Okay. How crazy am I? I have the books and I have you. I cool out here for a while, then go back to the States. I call the buyer, he gets on the next plane, and I get twenty thousand pounds. Crazy? Okay.”
He poked the wood around a little more, as he’d seen in the movies. He could feel Allie thinking behind him.
“Now let’s ask how crazy you are,” he said. “I’ll give you… give you… half the money… ten thousand pounds. All you have to do is get off the stuff, come to the States with me, and still be clean when I make the sale.”
Her hands were starting to shake. Soon her whole body would start in.
“Why?” she asked. “Why would you do that for me?”
She wasn’t grateful, she was suspicious. That was okay with Neal; suspicion was easier to deal with.
“I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for me.”
“I don’t get it.”
“What a surprise. Listen, you didn’t think I was going to trust Colin to hide me out and keep me safe, did you? Why would Colin take half when he could get it all? He’d stab me in the back- literally-the second I turned it on him. I was always planning to screw him, just like he was always planning to screw me.
“I didn’t plan on… liking… you. I didn’t want to leave you behind to be on the street for Colin until he used you up and booted you out. So I took you. We can say it was against your will if that’ll make you feel better, but we both know the truth.”
“Maybe you think-”
“Shut up and listen. So now that I’ve got you, what do I do with you? We have some time to spend together up here, and I don’t want to have to tie you up and all that shit, I don’t want to have to worry about you running off to the cops screaming that you’ve been kidnapped, and I especially don’t want you deciding that heroin and hooking are your true lifestyle and getting to a phone and taking your chances with old Colin.”
“Yeah, so…”
“Yeah, so I’m making you my partner. I want you to have a rooting interest in my survival. There are going to be a lot of angry people looking for me over the next few months, and I don’t want you standing there, pointing and saying ‘He went that-away.’”
“I wouldn’t do that.”
“Let’s just say I’m giving you a little motivation.”
She tried to come up with her best spoiled-brat smile, the same one he’d seen her use with Colin. “Motivate me with some smack.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I need to trust you, and I won’t trust a junkie. Junkies will do anything. You get the money if and when you’re off the stuff.”
She was starting to shake but she was also listening. It took an effort. “So you think you can buy me.”
“Sure. Ten thousand pounds. Current exchange rate… about sixteen thousand dollars. You could be a very comfortable runaway for a long time on sixteen large, if you don’t have a habit to support. It’s called a fresh start, and they don’t come around too often. Not this easily, anyway. I’d take it if I were you.”
Her eyes were starting to tear up. Pretty soon, her knees would start to rattle and her ears would hum, and it would be no good talking to her. The, smack would do all the talking, and she would listen. It was starting already.
“What if I don’t take your ‘deal’? What if I say no?”
“You won’t. I’m only doing what you told me you wanted. Keep you off the smack and off the street.”
She put her hands over her ears and shook her head. Thinking was hard-her junkie body was telling her brain to get out of the way. “I can’t get off the junk, Neal. I can’t. I thought I wanted to, but I can’t!”
“I’ll help you.”
“What do you mean, help me?”
He turned away from the fire to look at her. “I mean help you. Couple of hours, things are going to get bad for you. You’re going to get pretty sick. I’ll help you get through it.”
She looked scared. It surprised him. He’d never seen her look scared before. She said, “Who are you, Marcus Welby?”
“I know a little bit about this stuff.”
“You were a junkie?”
“No, I wasn’t a junkie. I just know about it.”
Yeah, okay, Diane. More secrets, more holding back. More not trusting. Fuck you. Why is every woman in my life coming to visit just now?
Allie started to pace around the room. She ran her hands over the stone walls. “You bastard. You prick. You got me into this! Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?” Good goddamn question.
“I don’t want to quit!” she continued. Her pacing picked up. Neal saw she was starting to panic. “I can, I just don’t want to! I like it, all right? Who the fuck are you to do this to me?” Another good goddamn question.