~ ~ ~
— WHAT IS IT LIKE to be an examiner?
— It is difficult at first. One has to be so careful, always afraid of saying the wrong thing. It begins that you work with people who were not sick, who are not recovering. Everything else is the same, but the people you are working with are actors.
— Actors?
— People who are playing a part, who are pretending to be something they are not. And still others are watching the whole thing and keeping track. They grade you on your performance, and if you do well enough, you may be offered a position as an examiner. Of course, one is only an examiner D at that point.
— D?
— There are several ranks — D, C, B, A, and G. They have different levels of responsibility and autonomy.
— Teresa, what are you now?
— Examiners are not supposed to talk about this sort of thing.
— Oh, please!
— Examiner A.
— That is so wonderful!
He shook her arm with both his hands.
— I am so happy for you, he said. What a great thing to have done.
The examiner was taken aback. A pleased smile flashed on her features and was dispelled.
— Oh, it was nothing, she said. I just do my work and try as hard as I can.
— But still, he said. But still. Just imagine — me, getting an examiner A to help me! What a great thing.
— Anders, she said. A person always gets an examiner A at first — that’s what they are for.
— But still, he said. I am sure that you are different from the other examiners. Don’t you think you are? Don’t you do things a bit differently? Are all examiners women?
— Yes, she said. They are all women.
— And are all gardeners men?
She laughed.
— Not at all. They can be either. And there are many men who work with examiners. It is only that — it has been found that women are better at this task.
— Could I become an examiner?
— You, an examiner? There are things like examiners — you could take a position like that, within this system. Indeed, many who come to us as claimants end up working in our ranks once they have recovered completely. It is a matter of how well your recovery proceeds. There are many things we do not know, many questions unanswered. We shall see what you are best suited for.
— I think that I might like it, he said. Sometimes I feel that we are a bit alike.
— It is good to feel that, she said. That is the feeling we talked about — empathy. It is what humans can feel for other humans. It is very natural.
— But I think we are alike, he said.
— We may be, she said. But feeling that we might be — that is what is most important.
~ ~ ~
THEY WERE STANDING before the pictures again. One was a painting of a farm scene. Another was a photograph of a hill with a hole in it.
— How many times, said the examiner, we have stood looking at these pictures.
— There is someone in the cave, I think.
— Why do you think that, Anders?
— Because there is a line here, and here and here. I believe that someone must have walked there, up the hill, again and again and again until a path was worn down. If that is true, then maybe the person is inside of the hill, in the cave, in this photograph. I have often thought this when we have stood here, but I wasn’t ready to speak about it until now.
— Do you put someone there?
— What do you mean?
— Anders, do you put someone there, in the cave? Is there someone you imagine to be there, when you imagine a person in there?
He shifted his weight and the floor creaked slightly.
— I put you in there. It’s you that is in there.
— That’s all right. That’s okay.
She patted him reassuringly.
— I am the only person you know. Of course, you would put me in there. Who else would you put?
— It isn’t for good, he said. I pictured you coming out, also.
She narrowed her eyes.
— Did you really?
— No. But, I can.
— Anders, she said. Just so you know, you can’t say that something is inside the hill. A hill is a solid object. If a tunnel is bored through it, or a cave is there, the cave replaces the inside of the hill. Then, a person who is in a cave is in a cave that goes into a hill. They are not in a hill. In the same way, a tunnel that goes through a hill has no part that is in the hill, unless, of course, the tunnel collapses. Then, the person that was in the tunnel when it collapsed could be said to be inside the hill.
— I like this one less and less, said the claimant, pointing to the painting.
— Why is that?
— I think that it doesn’t reflect how things are very well. I am concerned about it never having happened.
— So you prefer real things?
— I think so, I think. No, that’s not it.
— There are many imagined things that are good, said the examiner, and many that I know you like.
— I think maybe it is false. There isn’t any hope in it.
— It looks cheerful enough to me, said the examiner quietly.
— But, ah, mmm…
— You are right, you know, said the examiner. It is a bad piece of art, and that is because it is an imposture. The artist was elsewhere when it was made. It would be good to take it down or to throw it away, but I think,
She tilted her head.
— I think it will be good for it to stay as a reminder to you of this moment. Good work.
~ ~ ~
ONE DAY, SHE SAT DOWN with him on the porch steps outside the house. It was a very gray day. The clouds were low over their heads, and there was hardly any sun. In fact, the town looked different beneath this sky. The claimant said this to the examiner,
— How different the weather makes things. You almost wouldn’t know the street to look at it.
— That reminds me, she said, of an exercise. It might be hard for you, on a day like today, to think of the way things usually are, and remember them, but I want you to. I want you to close your eyes, and give me an account of what you see as you leave the house and go down into the town.
~ ~ ~
— THE FIRST THING, the claimant said, is that I shut the gate. As soon as I’ve done that, I’m standing in the road. The road goes in two directions. I always go to the left. There is a house opposite, and it is the same as our house. There is a house to the left of that, and opposite it, a house to the right of our house. There are, on our street, nineteen houses on each side, as we go down into the town. At the base of the hill, there is a depression where water sometimes gathers. That’s on the right side of the street. There is a shop with a chessboard set up in the window. The pieces are not set up properly. The board has been turned ninety degrees. The queens are not on their color. As you…
— That is enough for now, said the examiner quietly. You are doing so well. You see so much, I would never have guessed.
— The next thing, said the claimant, is a shop with a sewing machine. The same dress is always in the machine, as if it is about to mended, but it never is. It is always waiting to be mended.