This belief persisted throughout the Middle Ages. St Albert the Great (1200–1280) firmly believed that ‘coitus drains the brain’, and that dogs followed lustful people around as ‘the body of a person who has had a great deal of intercourse approaches the condition of a cadaver because of all the rotten semen’.{13} Of course, if you could lose too much ‘dilberry’ (1811), conversely you could have too much of the stuff, which would also unbalance the humours. In 1123, the First Lateran Council imposed compulsory celibacy on all priests. As you can imagine, this decree was met with considerable opposition from the clergy, and medical reasons were often cited. Gerald of Wales was archdeacon of Brecon in the twelfth century and wrote of a number of cases where celibacy had caused the death of various priests and bishops. Gerald recorded the death of an archdeacon of Louvain, whose ‘genital organs swelled up with immeasurable flatulence’ because of his vows of celibacy.{14} The archdeacon refused to break his vows, and died shortly afterwards. This is by no means the only example of such medical advice in medieval Europe. It may seem strange that the Church would encourage sex, but the medieval Church understood lust to be sinful, whereas sex was essential to fulfil God’s command to ‘go forth and multiply’; so functional, fun-free intercourse was the order of the day. The medieval Church operated like a semen satnav, directing a chap’s ‘duck butter’ (1938) to its lawful uterine destination with minimal wrong turns and in the most efficient way possible. Semen that had missed its mark was dangerous stuff indeed. Some medieval theologians taught that demons stole semen from masturbators and couples practising coitus interruptus, and used it to impregnate women. St Thomas Aquinas in his Summa Theologica wrote that demons took the form of beautiful women called succubi, inflamed lust in men, seduced them and harvested his seed.{15} Then the demon would take the form of a man (incubus) and impregnate a willing woman.
This nice little theory is repeated and expanded upon in Heinrich Kramer and James Sprenger’s guide for hunting witches, The Malleus Maleficarum (1487). Although the text acknowledges that men can be witches too, it argues ‘a greater number of witches is found in the fragile feminine sex than among men’.{16} It goes on to argue that unlike men, women ‘know no moderation in goodness or vice’, and that ‘all witchcraft comes from carnal lust, which is in women insatiable’.{17} The fear of women dominating men, castrating them or stealing their ‘oyster soup’ (1890) and draining their strength runs throughout the Malleus. ‘And blessed be the Highest Who has so far preserved the male sex from so great a crime: for since He was willing to be born and to suffer for us, therefore He has granted to men the privilege.’{18} The fear that an orgasm drained men of their strength is palpable.
But it is easy to understand why orgasm would be linked to a loss of strength and potency. The French call an orgasm la petite mort (the little death), and with good reason. Ask yourself how you feel after orgasm when the mist has lifted. I’m generalising but, for those of us with vulvas, the orgasm is like an end-of-level boss; a violent showdown, after which we level up and want more – only harder. Though many women experience painful sensitivity in the genitals post-orgasm, we can keep going and, as Cosmo keeps assuring us, can achieve multiple orgasms. But once the penis has ‘shot his snot’ (1709) it’s all over, and before you can say ‘I’m ready, darling’ he is snoring in the wet patch. This special time is known in medical terms as the ‘male refractory period’. It is defined as ‘the transient period of time after ejaculation associated with detumescence, reduced interest in sexual activity, inability to ejaculate or experience orgasm, and increased aversion to genital sensory stimulation’.{19} The finger of blame for this period is often pointed at central serotonin and prolactin fluctuations in the brain. But as pre- and post-orgasmic elevations in prolactin and serotonin are observed in both men and women, this is not regarded as an explanation as to why men and not women experience a refractory period.{20} Whatever the reason, the MRP is very real, and the post-orgasm crash from super horny sex god to sleeping bear seemed irrefutable proof that an orgasm sapped men of their potency.
This all seemed perfectly obvious to Dr Samuel-Auguste Tissot when he published Onanism: A Treatise on the Maladies Produced by Masturbation in 1758. Tissot argued that semen was a vital body fluid, and that masturbation was the most damaging way to lose precious liqueur séminale. The picture Tissot painted of a man who ejaculated too frequently is not a pretty one. He argued excessive masturbation, nocturnal emission and coitus interruptus caused the body to simply waste away:
I have seen a patient, whose disorder began by lassitude, and a weakness in all parts of the body, particularly towards the loins; it was attended with an involuntary motion of the tendons, periodical spasms and bodily decay, Insomuch as to destroy the whole corporeal frame; he felt a pain even in the membranes of the brain, a pain which patients call a dry burning heat, and which incessantly burns internally the most noble parts.{21}
Tissot’s work set in motion a crusade against masturbation that would last for the next two hundred years. The solitary vice, self-pollution, onanism, or ‘jerkin the gherkin’ (1938) would come under increasing medical scrutiny and men’s soft-and-danglies were subject to various quack cures, ranging from the mildly amusing to the outright dangerous.
By the nineteenth century, medical theories that a loss of semen was seriously injurious to health had been firmly established. Physicians all over the Western world were warning that masturbation was not only dangerous, but could be fatal. Dr Léopold Deslandes (1797–1852), for example, wrote that ‘the patient is unconscious of his danger, and perseveres in his vicious habit – the physician treats him symptomatically, and death soon closes the scene’.{22}
Men were warned to conserve their ‘essence’ by avoiding fornication and masturbation, and by limiting sex within marriage. Numerous anti-masturbation devices were available to prevent ‘nocturnal emissions’, or to stop young boys interfering with themselves. Physicians are recorded as applying acids, needles and electric shocks to the penile shaft in an attempt to cure what was then known as ‘spermatorrhea’ (weakness caused by loss of semen). Sparse diets were recommended to subdue lust, and purity crusaders such as John Harvey Kellogg (1852–1943) manufactured plain cereals to suppress urges. Kellogg argued that masturbation could cause all manner of illnesses, from cancer of the womb to epilepsy, insanity and impotency. But Kellogg went much further than just peddling a cock block in a box. He was full of useful information for parents on how to ‘cure’ a child from masturbating.