The audience are encouraged to shout CUNT in unison and to feel the explosive power of the word as one. The Vagina Monologues was a landmark production in feminist theatre. But although I am very much in agreement with Ensler and also consider shouting cunt at Ryanair baggage reclaim services to be highly therapeutic, Ensler’s work hasn’t forced the mass renegotiation with cunt we may have hoped for. Perhaps cunt is beyond reclaiming now. But it remains a deeply powerful and special word.
Words for women’s genitals tend to be clinical (vagina, vulva, pudendum, etc.), childlike (tuppence, foof, fairy, minky, Mary, twinkle, etc.), detached (down there, bits, special area, etc.), highly sexual (pussy, fuck hole, etc.), violent (axe wound, penis flytrap, gash, growler, etc.), or refer to unpleasant smells, tastes and appearance (fish taco, bacon sandwich, badly stuffed kebab, bearded clam). Cunt doesn’t convey any of these. Cunt is cunt. Words for the vulva seem to be in a constant state of trying to deny the very thing being described – your genitals aren’t a ‘twinkle’ or ‘fur pie’. Sadly, just as cunt the word has been censored, cunts themselves have been culturally censored to the point where the only cunts that we feel are acceptable are plucked, waxed, surgically trimmed, buffed, douched with perfumed cleaning products and served up covered in glitter. The vaginaplasty business is booming and you can now have your labia cut off, your hymen rebuilt and a car air freshener installed (I joke). Is it any wonder we can’t cope with the directness of cunt and resort to ‘down there’? Cunt may never be allowed off the naughty step, but it is surely far less offensive than many synonyms on offer. And while people insist on calling cunt a vagina or a vulva so as not to cause offence, it’s worth remembering that we are actually calling cunt a scabbard – a cock holder, a sausage pocket.
Cunt may be classed as an offensive word, but it’s an ancient and honest one. It’s also the original word; everything else came after.
Welcome to #TeamCunt.
SEX AND VULVAS
Looking for the Boy in the Boat
A History of the Clitoris
Unless you’re a late social bloomer who still believes women are domesticated wombs with tits, who should restrict their activities to baking cakes and darning socks, I think we can all agree that feminism has done some pretty marvellous things. Women can now vote, open bank accounts and make cheese from our own breastmilk without being molested by the patriarchal dairy overlords. There’s no doubt, women have come a long way. But there’s still one area that feminism is failing in. One area where the almighty penis continues to reign over the vulva unchallenged – and that area is sexual slang. However many slang words you can think of for the clitoris, there will be a thousand more for the penis, testes or semen. Of course, there are many colloquialisms for the vulva, but they rarely delineate the various important pleasure points contained within that glorious goodie bag: the clitoris, the cervix, or the much mythologised Gräfenberg spot, for example. It’s just ‘gash’, ‘pussy’, ‘clunge’, etc. And I’m not even sure if there are any slang words for the womb or the ovaries (would ‘baby-cave’ or ‘lady baubles’ work?). The whole ‘locker-room banter’ register of bawdy sexual slang celebrates the vulva for the pleasure it brings to the mighty ‘rod’ (1591). The omission of the clit – whose only function is to pleasure its owner – is telling. In Western culture, the clitoris has been overlooked because female sexual pleasure has historically played second fiddle to male pleasure. Literally and metaphorically, the clitoris has never received enough attention.
Take, for example, that much beloved encyclopaedia of vulgarity, Roger’s Profanisaurus, first published in 1998. The work contains over 2,500 slang entries, cataloguing all manner of obscenities from ‘purple headed yoghurt warrior’ (penis) to ‘growling at the badger’ (cunnilingus). But there are only five clitoral colloquialisms to be found within the whole damn thing: ‘boy in the boat’, ‘bell’, ‘button’, ‘fanny flange’ and ‘sugared almond’.{1} Even the latest reworking of the Profanisaurus series, Hail Sweary (2013), which advertises itself as containing ‘4,000 new rude words and blasphemies’, only manages a dismal five entries on the clitoris; ‘beanis’ (a large ‘bean’ that resembles a penis), ‘clock’ (again, a large clitoris and cock hybrid), and ‘panic button’ – under which is sub-referenced ‘wail switch’ and ‘clematis’. Which means that the clitoris accounts for less than 0.15 per cent of all the entries. But it’s not like the book is pussy light. In fact, while Hail Sweary only contains thirty-seven colloquialisms for the penis and/or testes, there are a whopping 104 entries for the vulva. While this might sound like a win for #TeamCunt, most of these terms are pejorative comments on what’s referred to throughout as ‘untidy’, ‘unkempt’ or ‘messy’ vulvas. References to the labia are multiple: ‘doner meat’, ‘pig’s ears’, ‘Biggles’ scarf’. Pubic hair also features heavily: ‘ZZ Mott’, ‘gruffalo’, ‘Terry Waite’s allotment’. Allusions to fish are tediously predictable: ‘fishmonger’s dustbin’, ‘trout pocket’, ‘haddock pasty’.{2} And so on, and so on. Despite the book’s obvious obsession with the holiest of holies, the emphasis is clearly phallocentric and prioritises the pleasure the vulva gives, rather than that which it can receive. It might seem like I am picking on the Profanisaurus, but the colloquial drought around the clitoris is universal. Ignoring clitoral pleasure is woven into the very language of sex.
This chapter focuses on the Western fascination with the clitoris and the endless efforts by doctors to understand and ‘fix’ it. As female genital mutilation (FGM) continues to be a major concern across Africa, Asia and the Middle East today, it is important to remember the West’s own hand in this barbaric practice. Some of the earliest Western records describing the clitoris are Ancient Greek descriptions of FGM, allegedly carried out in Egypt.[4] The earliest extant evidence of FGM comes from the Greek historian and geographer Strabo (64 BC–AD 24), who claimed the Egyptians ‘raise every child that is born to circumcise the males and excise the females’.{3} Though several Greek writers claimed the Egyptians circumcised women, there is very little surviving evidence from the Egyptians themselves to corroborate how they felt about the clit – they may have circumcised the clitoris, they may have left it well alone, or they may have dressed it up like a Mr Potato Head, we will just never know.[5]
4
Early writers such as Hippocrates and Aristotle write at some considerable length about the function of the vulva, but it’s unclear if they are describing the clitoris. Vincent Di Marino and Hubert Lepidi,
5
Finding Egyptian references to the ‘lullo-bump’ (1995) is particularly difficult. In