The problem (Charlie’s problem) is that the Beta Male imagination has become superfluous in the face of modern society. Like the saber-toothed tiger’s fangs, or the Alpha Male’s testosterone, there’s just more Beta Male imagination than can really be put to good use. Consequently, a lot of Beta Males become hypochondriacs, neurotics, paranoids, or develop an addiction to porn or video games.
Because, while the Beta Male imagination evolved to help him avoid danger, as a side effect it also allows him fantasy-only access to power, money, and leggy, model-type females who, in reality, wouldn’t kick him in the kidneys to get a bug off their shoe. The rich fantasy life of the Beta Male may often spill over into reality, manifesting in near-genius levels of self-delusion. In fact, many Beta Males, contrary to any empirical evidence, actually believe that they are Alpha Males, and have been endowed by their creator with advanced stealth charisma, which, although awesome in concept, is totally undetectable by women not constructed from carbon fiber. Every time a supermodel divorces her rock-star husband, the Beta Male secretly rejoices (or more accurately, feels great waves of unjustified hope), and every time a beautiful movie star marries, the Beta Male experiences a sense of lost opportunity. The entire city of Las Vegas—plastic opulence, treasure for the taking, vulgar towers, and cocktail waitresses with improbable breasts—is built on the self-delusion of the Beta Male.
And Beta Male self-delusion played no small part in Charlie first approaching Rachel, that rainy day in February, five years before, when he had ducked into A Clean, Well-Lighted Place for Books to get out of the storm, and Rachel granted him a shy smile over a stack of Carson McCullers she was shelving. He quickly convinced himself that it was because he was dripping with boyish charm, when it was, in fact, simply because he was dripping.
“You’re dripping,” she said. She had blue eyes, fair skin, and dark loose curls that fell around her face. She gave him a sideways glance—just enough consideration to spur his Beta Male ego.
“Yeah, thanks,” Charlie said, taking a step closer.
“Can I get you a towel or something?”
“Nah, I’m used to it.”
“You’re dripping on Cormac McCarthy.”
“Sorry.” Charlie wiped All the Pretty Horses with his sleeve while he tried to see if she had a nice figure under the floppy sweater and cargo pants. “Do you come here often?”
Rachel took a second before responding. She was wearing a name tag, working inventory from a metal cart, and she was pretty sure she’d seen this guy in the store before. So he wasn’t being stupid, he was being clever. Sort of. She couldn’t help it, she laughed.
Charlie shrugged damply and smiled. “I’m Charlie Asher.”
“Rachel,” Rachel said. They shook hands.
“Rachel, would you like to get a cup of coffee or something sometime?”
“That sort of depends, Charlie. I’d need you to answer a few questions first.”
“Of course,” Charlie said. “If you don’t mind, I have some questions, too.” He was thinking, What do you look like naked? and How long before I can check?
“Fine, then.” Rachel put down The Ballad of the Sad Café and counted on her fingers.
“Do you have a job, a car, and a place to live? And are the last two things the same thing?” She was twenty-five and had been single for a while. She’d learned to screen her applicants.
“Uh, yes, yes, yes, and no.”
“Excellent. Are you gay?” She’d been single for a while in San Francisco.
“I asked you out.”
“That means nothing. I’ve had guys not realize they were gay until we’d gone out a few times. Turns out that’s my specialty.”
“Wow, you’re kidding.” He looked her up and down and decided that she probably had a great figure under the baggy clothes. “I could see it going the other way, but…”
“Right answer. Okay, I’ll have coffee with you.”
“Not so fast, what about my questions?”
Rachel threw out a hip and rolled her eyes, sighed. “Okay, shoot.”
“I don’t really have any, I just didn’t want you to think I was easy.”
“You asked me out thirty seconds after we met.”
“Can you blame me? There you were, eyes and teeth—hair, dry, holding good books—”
“Ask me!”
“Do you think that there’s any chance, you know, after we get to know each other, that you’ll like me? I mean, can you see it happening?”
It didn’t matter that he was pushing it—whether he was sly or just awkward, she was defenseless against his Beta Male charm sans charisma, and she had her answer. “Not a chance,” she lied.
“I miss her,” Charlie said, and he looked away from his sister as if there was something in the sink that really, really needed studying. His shoulders shook with a sob and Jane went to him and held him as he slumped to his knees.
“I really miss her.”
“I know you do.”
“I hate this kitchen.”
“Right there with you, kid.”
The good sister, she was.
“I see this kitchen and I see her face and I can’t handle it.”
“Yes, you can. You will. It will get better.”
“Maybe I should move or something.”
“You do what you think you need to, but pain travels pretty well.” Jane rubbed his shoulders and his neck, as if his grief was a knot in a muscle that could be worked out under direct pressure.
After a few minutes he was back, functioning, sitting at the counter between Sophie and Jane, drinking a cup of coffee. “You think I’m just imagining all this, then?”
Jane sighed. “Charlie, Rachel was the center of your universe. Anyone who saw you guys together knew that. Your life revolved around her. With Rachel gone, it’s like you have no center, nothing to ground you, you’re all wobbly and unstable, so things seem unreal. But you do have a center.”
“I do?”
“It’s you. I don’t have a Rachel, or anyone like her on the horizon, but I’m not spinning out of control.”
“So you’re saying I need to be self-centered, like you?”
“I guess I am. Do you think that makes me a bad person?”
“Do you care?”
“Good point. Are you going to be okay? I need to go buy some yoga DVDs. I’m starting a class tomorrow.”
“If you’re going to take a class, then why do you need DVDs?”
“I have to look like I know what I’m doing or no one will go out with me. You going to be okay?”
“I’ll be okay. I just can’t go in the kitchen, or look at anything in the apartment, or listen to music, or watch TV.”
“Okay then, have fun,” Jane said, tweaking the baby’s nose on the way out the door.
When she was gone, Charlie sat at the counter for a while looking at baby Sophie. Strangely enough, she was the only thing in the apartment that didn’t remind him of Rachel. She was a stranger. She looked at him—those wide blue eyes—with sort of an odd, glazed look. Not with the adoration or wonder that you might expect, more like she’d been drinking and would be leaving as soon as she found her car keys.
“Sorry,” Charlie said, averting his gaze to a stack of unpaid bills by the phone. He could feel the kid watching him, wondering, he thought, how many terry-cloth puppet people she’d have to blow to get a decent father over here. Still, he checked that she was securely strapped in her chair, then went off to grab the undone laundry, because he was, in fact, going to be a very good father.