“Very strict,” said the Devil emphatically. “No one passes between Heaven and Hell without me knowing.”
“That’s not true,” I said. “There’s at least one service shaft that is completely unguarded. I don’t know if it’s a disused one that’s been forgotten about, or if it’s a general reflection on your security, but I used it to get into Hell and then back to Heaven without anybody stopping me. And I’m not the only one. Other people have been using the same shaft to sneak into Heaven. Evil people with evil plans.”
“I should have guessed she was the one behind all of this,” cried Sally, pointing an accusatory finger at Jessie.
Jessie looked up. “No,” she said in a trembling voice. “It isn’t me.”
“Do you deny that you used this service shaft to sneak into Heaven?” demanded the Devil.
“No, I don’t deny that. But I just wanted to get into Heaven. I didn’t have any evil plans.”
“It’s lucky I found her out before she could get away with it,” said Sally.
“But it’s not true,” Jessie pleaded. “Tell them, Jimmy. You know it’s not true.”
“Leave her to me,” said the Devil. “I’ll deal with her.”
“Yes, but who’s going to deal with you?” I said.
Sally and the Devil both whirled to face me.
“What is that supposed to mean?” said the Devil.
“You’re not listening to me. I said that people with evil plans have been sneaking into Heaven, but I never said Jessie was one of those people. You’re quick to lay blame, but you’re not so quick when it comes to looking at the consequences of your own actions.”
“And what actions would you be talking about?” The Devil’s tone was polite, but it was about as friendly as a customs officer with a migraine.
“How are things in the garbage collection business?” I said.
“I’ve told you before, I refuse to speak about my business dealings.”
“Is that because garbage collection is no longer part of your business dealings?”
The Devil didn’t immediately reply. In the ensuing silence, God leaned forward. He’d been sitting quietly during the preceding bickering, but it seemed my last question had aroused His interest.
“What is this about garbage collection?” He asked, His gaze bouncing between the angel and the businessman.
“Just ignore him,” said Sally. “He has no idea what he’s talking about.” Still, the Devil did not speak.
“Please continue, Mr Clarenden,” said God. “Tell us all what you’ve discovered.”
“What I’ve discovered is a web of corruption that can be traced back to one business deal. I’m afraid our high-flying friend here was finding that certain enterprises had become less than profitable. The garbage collection in particular was highly problematic. Don’t try to deny it,” I added as the Devil started to protest. “I’ve seen the books, and I’ve got a very good memory. I can quote you back the figures for the last three financial years.
“But imagine if suddenly he is approached by a group of men,” I continued. “They also describe themselves as businessmen, and they say they would like to make a deal with the Devil. What better opportunity for the Devil to offload this drain on his financial resources? He agrees to sell the garbage collection to these men. Unfortunately, the Devil has no idea whom he is dealing with. There is only one sort of deal these men want to make—a deal with the Devil that the Devil cannot refuse.”
“How can you know all of this?” asked the Devil.
“Let me explain,” I said, leaning back to better enjoy the Devil’s discomfort. “Before this meeting, I’d been captured and held alongside Peter in a cell beneath the Pearly Gates. We managed to escape, partly due to the stupidity of the guard, and partly due to the fact that he had a wooden leg. As we fled from the cell, we were attacked by a small but immensely strong man. Fortunately, our combined strength was just enough to fight him off, although he did manage to inflict this injury on me with his fingernails.” I held up my arm to show the long scratch.
“Finally, we returned to Peter’s office to discover the third member of the conspiracy, and no doubt the leader—a crafty sneak with fetid breath. As I dealt with him, I noticed something small fall from his face. It was a tinted contact lens, designed to disguise the fact that his eyes were different colours.”
“Well, that is a rousing story, Mr Clarenden, and I look forward to the motion picture version,” said the Devil. “But I don’t see what any of it has to do with me.”
“I’ll tell you what it has to do with you. I know who those three men are. I can put names to each of them. The dimwit with the wooden leg is Billy Bostino. The tiny strongman with the long fingernails is Freddy Bostino. And the smart guy with the mismatched eyes and halitosis is Franky Bostino.”
“And you expect those names to mean something to us?” said Sally, forcing her eyes up to lock with mine.
“If they don’t, they will very soon. The Bostino family is only one of the cruelest, vilest, evilest criminal families in the entire history of organised crime. And Billy, Freddy, and Franky just happen to be three of the cruelest, vilest, evilest members of that family. Their appearances fit the descriptions I was given by a former employee of the family. He claimed that all three were murdered over trivialities, but let me assure you, when you’re dealing with the Bostino family, nothing is trivial.”
I paused for a moment, hoping the silence would allow my words to make an impression. Almost immediately, it was broken by Sally’s laughter.
“Do you really think you can scare us with these threats of yours? No dice, Clarenden. We’re not afraid of a handful of former thugs. No amount of name-dropping is going to hide the fact that you’re a sniveling half-wit with the deductive skills of a brain-damaged centipede. I move that we halt this ridiculous charade and find something useful for this imbecile to do.”
“Perhaps he could start on giving Heaven the clean-up it so desperately needs,” suggested the Devil. He too tried to laugh, but he sounded as convincing as an ex-politician plugging weight loss formula on late night television.
“No,” said God, and His voice rang with sudden clarity. All laughter stopped as everyone in the hall turned to Him. “I hired Mr Clarenden to do a job for me, and I’m going to make damn sure he sees it through.”
“You hired him?” Sally gasped. “But why?”
“I hired Mr Clarenden to search for my missing son.”
“Jesus?” said both Sally and the Devil.
“No,” said God. “Not Jesus. My other son. My indispensable Philip, without whom I could not possibly keep Heaven operational, as any look outside this palace will confirm. So I suggest that the two of you zip your lips and allow Mr Clarenden to explain exactly who we are up against and what their evil plans are.”
It seemed that disagreement with God in the Heavenly Council was not an option. Neither Sally nor the Devil seemed thrilled at the idea of hearing me out, but they both nodded and turned to me. Their mouths were sealed tight. The floor was mine.
“Let me tell you about the Bostino family,” I began. “Their souls are black, but their plots are cunning. Their criminal web is so deep and tangled, it cast a shadow that not even God could see through. And so, safely hidden within that web of darkness, they’ve been plotting the ultimate takeover. A city is no longer enough. A country, even a planet, is not enough. Billy, Freddy, and Franky are just the advance troops, sent to their deaths with a specific mission. The Bostino family is moving in on Heaven.”
Sally started to open her mouth, but a look from God hastily discouraged her from making any further contribution to the conversation. I continued.
“Their plans started small—a takeover bid for a struggling business. The Devil’s garbage collection was the perfect target. All they had to do was sabotage the operation from within, then when the profits started to drop, they could move in with their offer and take the business off the Devil’s hands. There was just one obstacle. The Devil had signed an iron-clad, no exemptions contract to maintain the garbage collection. Once it became clear that the Devil had broken that contract, the Bostinos would almost certainly have been exposed—unless they acted first. If they removed the other signatory to the contract, they still had a chance to escape detection.