“This was where the unguarded service shaft came into play. The Bostinos discovered it, just as Jessie had when she entered Heaven. They took advantage of this opportunity to sneak into Heaven and kidnap the person who had signed the contract on Heaven’s behalf. And that person was God’s son, Phil.
“With Phil out of the picture, the Bostinos set their plan in motion. They began by imposing drastic conditions on the garbage collection workers, deliberately forcing them out on strike. The idea was that without any garbage collection, Heaven would soon be flooded beneath a sea of rubbish. Then, in the resulting confusion, the Bostinos could move in.”
“But that doesn’t make sense,” God protested. “Phil disappeared almost two weeks ago, but the rubbish only starting building up in the last day or so.”
“Actually, it makes complete sense. There was one other thing the Bostinos failed to take into account. One little man who cared deeply about the sort of place Heaven was, and who wouldn’t tolerate even the smallest piece of rubbish on its streets. Raphael saw what was happening before anybody else and took immediate action.”
“If he saw what was happening, why didn’t he say anything?” said God. “It might have saved us all this trouble.”
I couldn’t help laughing at that. “Every time Raphael tried to say anything, you were all washing your hair or mowing your lawns or changing channels on your televisions. When Raphael saw the rubbish accumulating on the street, he did what he always did when something needed to be done. He got off his backside and did all the tidying himself, filling dozens of garbage bags every day. It began to look like his actions alone would be enough to thwart the Bostinos.
“But those hoodlums weren’t going to be discouraged so easily. The next step was an easy one. A little guy like Raphael was never going to be a match for the Bostinos, and soon he too disappeared. With Phil and Raphael gone, there was no one else to interfere with their plan, and the result is obvious to everyone. Heaven has become one giant rubbish tip.”
Once again, silence fell over the great hall. Once again, Sally was the one who broke it. She stood up, pointing that accusatory finger again. But just for a change, it wasn’t directed at either Jessie or me.
“This is your fault,” she screamed in the Devil’s face. “Thanks to you, our glorious kingdom has been turned into a sewer. You broke the contract. You sold your soul for a lousy, stinking profit.”
The Devil immediately returned fire. “I didn’t hear you complaining about it back then. I seem to recall you were more than happy to receive the fruits of that profit.”
“Well, you can have your rotten things back. I never liked them much anyway.” Sally began ripping off earrings, necklaces, and other sundry accoutrements, and hurling them at the Devil. He held up his arms to ward off the assault and pleaded for her to stop, but it was another voice that finally brought her bejeweled barrage to a halt.
“Cease this foolishness at once!” God roared.
Sally and the Devil fell back to their seats. The look he gave her would have pierced armour. The look she shot back would have busted bunkers.
Satisfied that the outburst was over, God turned back to me. “So you have explained both my son’s and Raphael’s disappearances, but how does the kidnapping of Peter tie in?”
“That was the next stage of their plan,” I said. “With Heaven thrown into disarray by the growing sea of garbage, the Bostinos became much bolder. Already, Franky had been able to infiltrate Peter’s operation. Once Peter was out of the way, the Bostinos could commandeer the most critical strategic target in all of Heaven. Seizing control over the Pearly Gates gave them the power to decide who got into Heaven, which was exactly what they needed if their boss was going to come in and take over.”
“Which boss are you talking about?” asked God.
“Tommy Bostino, the head of the Bostino family. Tommy is the mastermind behind all of their criminal enterprises. Compared to him, Billy, Freddy, and Franky are a trio of boy scouts. But now Tommy’s a sick old man. He can hear the bells tolling and he knows that the time for judgment is drawing near. As long as Peter was guarding the Gates, there was no way he’d get through. But with Peter safely locked away and the Bostino brothers in charge of the entrance into Heaven, Tommy’s successful passage would be assured. And if Tommy Bostino made it into Heaven—all I can say is, God help you all.”
“What do you mean by that?” said God. There was a quaver in His voice, and behind those bushy eyebrows I could see the fear rising in His eyes.
“Let me tell you what Heaven would be like once the Bostinos took over. There’d be no more lazy sunny afternoons in the park, and you can forget about those evenings of serene contemplation. Heaven would no longer be a place of peace and tranquility. Everything here would be turned over to one simple purpose—the total gratification of the Bostino family.
“Imagine this majestic structure turned into the Bostinos’ mega-gambling palace.” I turned to Sally. “Imagine your mansion converted into their house of pleasure, and you forced to submit to their every whim.” Finally, I looked across to the Devil. “And think what will happen to your precious profits once the Bostinos start taking out their share.”
“I’d like to see them try,” muttered the Devil. “I’ve got a black belt in taekwondo.”
“You won’t be landing too many kicks when every bone in your body is broken,” I snapped back. “Face it, none of you can possibly imagine what life under the Bostinos would be like. But I don’t have to imagine it. I’ve been there. And let me tell you, Hell is a quiet picnic on a green meadow beside a slow-running brook compared to what Heaven would become.”
No one said anything. They all looked at me with eyes as wide and round as circus big tops, and mouths that were even wider. It looked like my words were sinking in at last.
“Is there any way we can defeat these mobsters?” asked God eventually.
“I’ve already taken the first steps. Peter has closed the Gates, and Billy, Freddy, and Franky are safely locked away. But that won’t be enough. There will be other plans. The Bostinos are ruthless. Once they set their sights on something, they won’t stop until it’s theirs. I’m afraid there’s nothing more I can do. The rest is up to you.”
“To me?” God seemed to be shrinking down into His seat.
“You’re the only one with the power to defeat the Bostinos. The future of Heaven is in your hands and your hands alone.”
All attention in the room was focused on God. For a moment, He cowered in His chair. Eventually, He came to a decision. He did the only thing possible under the circumstances. He took out a cigarette and placed it to His lips.
The Devil leapt from his seat. “That’s your solution to everything, isn’t it. As soon as the pressure is on, light up a cigarette. Well, let me tell you, God, it’s time you faced up to your responsibilities.”
Sally was also on her feet. “How can you possibly be so selfish? Your entire kingdom is at stake, and all you can do is look after your own needs.”
They advanced towards God, their fingers stabbing towards Him, and their screeching voices demanding He take action. God looked from one to the other, desperately trying to avoid their glowering eyes. Finally, He managed to tear His gaze free and look towards me. As our eyes met, I spoke.
“Just this once, I find myself in agreement with Punch and Judy here. The time for hiding is long past. It’s time to act.”