“But I don’t know how. I do so hate to get involved these days.”
“It’s too late for that. You’re as involved as anyone. You have to do something, and you have to do it right now.”
Seeing that helplessness wasn’t working, God switched to sulkiness. “That’s right. Throw the burden onto me. Leave it to me to solve everything. What do you expect? Do you think I’m all-powerful?”
“Actually, I thought you were.”
“I am all-powerful,” God said quietly, as if He needed to convince Himself. “I am all-powerful,” He repeated more forcefully. “I am all-powerful,” He roared, lifting Himself from His chair like a rising storm surge.
“That’s more like it,” I said. “So what are you going to do now?”
“I will smite the Bostinos. I shall rip them from the face of the earth and send them down into the deepest pits of Hell, where they will meet a fate far worse than death.”
God closed His eyes and raised His arms. For a moment, the room shook, and I swore I could hear the rumble of thunder very far away. Then His body relaxed and His eyes flickered open.
“It is done. The threat from the Bostinos has been removed. And now, Mr Clarenden, I trust you will help me find my son, and my faithful archangel, Raphael.”
“I will help you. I think I have a pretty good idea where they are.”
Chapter 17
I LED GOD AND THE OTHERS out of the Palace and through the streets of Heaven towards the Heavenly Police Department headquarters. Lizard Neck and Frying Pan were none too happy to receive me, but as soon as they saw my entourage, they quickly stood aside, any thoughts of resistance instantly vapourised.
I went into the holding cell within which I’d spent such pleasant hours a few days earlier. Bending down on my knees, I ran my fingers across the parquetry floorboards. Sure enough, I quickly located a small gap between a couple of pieces of wood. At the bottom of the gap, I found a latch that I was just able to grasp with the tips of my fingers. There was a collective gasp as I lifted a whole slab of the floor away, revealing a wide trap door underneath.
The trap door took a bit of pulling, but eventually I managed to get it open. Within the cavity that was exposed, a short ladder led down into a small, dark chamber. I climbed down the ladder, and as my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I saw two figures lying on the floor. They were both bound and gagged, but I could tell who they were. One was the angel Raphael. The other I had no trouble recognising from the photos God had shown me. At last, the case was closed. I had found Phil.
By this time, God had climbed down the ladder as well. He gave a cry of joy and rushed to His son’s side. Hurriedly, He began to untie Phil, while I did the same for Raphael. Then, after much hugging, we climbed up the ladder and exited the cell. Straight away, we were confronted by the sight of the two policemen cowering before the Devil, who was affecting a not-terribly-convincing martial arts pose.
“It looks like we’ve found more of the Bostinos’ accomplices,” he snarled. “I’m sorry to say your evil plans are at an end.”
The cops shook their heads furiously.
“It wasn’t us,” cried Lizard Neck.
“We didn’t do anything,” wailed Frying Pan.
In desperation, they turned their eyes towards their employer.
“Tell them,” they begged. “You know we didn’t have nothing to do with this.”
But Sally barely deigned to give them more than a momentary glance. “Get these lying wretches out of my sight,” she said in a voice that would have sent an Eskimo racing for a wood heater.
The Devil took a step towards the cops. “Hiyaaah!” he cried, and he began to raise his hands in the air. He looked less like a taekwondo master and more like a hyperextended marionette, and I couldn’t help but burst into laughter.
“Do you really think these nincompoops are in league with the Bostinos? Come off it. They couldn’t keep a fish imprisoned in a swimming pool. No, the Bostinos are much smarter than that. The only role these two played in their plot was an unwitting one. They would never have realised there were prisoners inside that cell.”
The looks the two cops gave me were a curious mixture of gratitude that I’d gotten them off the hook, and fury that in doing so I’d destroyed what little credibility they had left. Eventually, they both gave a half nod, half sneer, and then they crept to the back of the room, out of sight and definitely out of mind.
I turned to the Devil. “But if you’re in the mood for heroics, don’t forget there are three genuine Bostinos locked beneath the Pearly Gates. Someone has to take responsibility for them.”
“I’ll get my executives onto it straight away.” He took out a mobile phone and barked some orders into it. Then he snapped his fingers. “Well, I guess that’s all over now. I’d better be getting back to the office.”
“Not so fast,” I said, grabbing him by the collar as he attempted to slink away. “When those Bostinos are brought in, you better guard them like you’ve never guarded anyone before. I’m talking maximum security, around the clock. And you’d also better check up on all those service shafts. Nobody can be allowed to sneak into Heaven again. Because let me tell you, if this sort of thing should ever happen again, you’ll be out of business faster than a raincoat salesman in the middle of the Sahara.”
The Devil nodded. “I will take care of it.”
I walked out of the police station to find myself confronted by a legion of flashing cameras and chattering reporters shoving microphones in my face. It looked like the entire news media of Heaven had caught on to the story and now wanted a piece of me. As I tried to shield my eyes and make some space for myself, I felt a tap on the shoulder. I turned to see the Devil still hovering behind me.
“Why are you still here?” I said.
“When an opportunity presents itself, I cannot let it slip away,” he said, smiling that smile that had all the warmth of a snowstorm. “You’ve got a story that everybody wants to hear. What you need is an agent.”
“You’re right, I do have a story to tell.” I turned and began pushing my way through the crowd.
“Where are you going?” cried the Devil. “Don’t you realise I can make you a wealthy man?”
“I’m off to The Loaf and the Fishes,” I called back. “I know a journalist there who deserves a break.”
* * *
After I’d explained the whole story to Alby Stark over a couple of stiff lemonades, I returned to the Palace for one final audience with God. As He ushered me into His chamber, I was pleased to note that the paraphernalia from His home shopping spree had been removed and the television was switched off. As for God, He was grinning like a Cheshire cat on Prozac.
“Congratulations, Mr Clarenden. Thanks to you, I have my son back at last, and Heaven is being returned to its previous immaculate state. But before we discuss your reward, I do have one question to ask. I understand how the Bostinos’ plan was supposed to work, but there’s still something I haven’t figured out. However did you discover that Phil and Raphael were trapped inside the police station?”
“Actually, I have to admit it was a bit of a long shot. In the council meeting, when I described the Bostinos, I took a close look at everybody’s faces to see what reactions I would get. The guilt written all over the Devil’s face was no surprise, given that his dealings with the Bostinos were well established. But I couldn’t help noticing a similar expression on Sally’s face. That got me thinking. What contact would she have had with the Bostino boys?
“Then I remembered the police station. From the first moment I saw it, I couldn’t help wondering why it had been built. Why go to such an effort to create an anti-crime headquarters in a place that has a crime problem like a sperm whale has a dandruff problem? That’s when I put two and two together. The Bostinos must have built the police station. That explained not only why they were familiar to Sally, but also the real purpose of the station. What better place to hide the victims of their crimes than right under the noses of the force that was supposed to be preventing them? What better guards than a couple of knuckleheads with no idea what they were sitting on?”