God nodded. “I understand.”
“I’m glad you do, because there’s still one thing I haven’t figured out. I can’t understand how the Bostinos convinced Sally she needed a police force in the first place.”
“The Bostinos didn’t have to convince Sally of anything,” said God. “They just took advantage of an opportunity. Sally had already well and truly decided that Heaven needed a police force.”
“But why?”
“Come on, Mr Clarenden, where have you been for the last couple of days? Sally needed them to protect her privacy, so nobody would know about her affair with the Devil.”
I kicked myself. Even after solving this case, I was still the dimmest private investigator I knew. “As if I couldn’t have guessed that the interior design the Devil was giving to Sally was strictly the horizontal kind,” I muttered.
God chuckled. “That’s one way of putting it. The fools. To think they could have kept it hidden from me.”
“Are you telling me you’ve known about it all along?”
“I might have been hoodwinked by the Bostinos, but there’s very little else in Heaven that gets past my eye.”
“So why did you go along with her? Why allow her to set up the police force?”
“Because, to be perfectly honest, I was quite happy to keep the whole sordid business out of the public eye. I didn’t need the sort of fiasco that would result if anybody else found out. I figured that sooner or later, nature would take its course, and I guess eventually I was right. Judging by today’s events, I don’t think there are going to be any more midnight renovation sessions in Sally’s mansion.”
I laughed. “She’s quite a piece of work. Isn’t there anything you can do to keep her in line?”
God shook His head. “Not a thing. She’s an angel. That’s the way I created her, and that’s the way she’ll always be.”
“But you’re all-powerful. There must be some way you can change her.”
God thought for a moment before answering. “You’re right, there is one thing I could do. But it would involve going all the way back to the beginning and recreating the whole world from scratch, and to be honest that isn’t something I’ve got the time or the inclination to do. Let me tell you, Mr Clarenden, creating every single thing in the known cosmos isn’t as easy as it looks.”
“I can imagine.”
“Actually, I don’t think you can. I don’t think you have any conception of what is involved.”
“I suppose you’re right. I’m sorry I came down so hard on you earlier. I never really thought about how difficult it must be to be you. I mean, here you are, ruling the universe, and yet half the people out there don’t even believe you exist. And as for the other half, a good proportion of them are running around, doing terrible things in your name. How do you handle it? How do you get through the day?”
“I guess it’s like any other job. You have your good days and your bad. Sometimes creation is such a chore, the best I can manage is leeches or stinging nettles, or the fashion industry. But other times, I get a buzz out of everything. Those are the days when I’m able to create the good things, like colours or music or strawberries dipped in chocolate. Or the Eleven Commandments, I’m especially fond of them.”
“Eleven Commandments? I’m no expert, but I was under the impression there were only Ten Commandments.”
“There were supposed to be eleven. Unfortunately, one got lost along the way.”
“What was the Eleventh Commandment?”
“I’m not sure I can even remember. It was such a long time ago.” God’s brow puckered as He tried to drag the additional commandment out from His boundless reserves of memory. “Yes, I’ve got it. Thou shalt have a sense of humour!”
“I think that’s the only one I’ve ever come close to keeping.”
God grinned. “I know. But I have a feeling that will soon be changing. I have some good news for you. I’ve been doing some bending and fiddling with the rules, and it turns out there won’t be any problem sending you back down. That is, if you wish to go. You’re welcome to stay up here if you prefer.”
From the moment Phil and Raphael had been released from their prison, I had been aware that I might face this choice. Part of me was sorely tempted to stay. The idea that I could discard my earthly worries and retire to an afterlife of peace and tranquility was extremely enticing. But I couldn’t help thinking about the vision of my own funeral I’d witnessed soon after I’d first arrived. I had no idea how Sally had conjured it up—whether it was a projection from a possible future or a trick of her own devising—but I did know that if I stayed, it would become reality. And while vanity is not a sin I could ever be accused of, I knew my memory was worth more than that.
“Heaven is a great place if you’re dead,” I said. “But I’ve got too much living still to do. I’d be happy to go back.”
“I had a feeling you’d say that,” said God. “Well, if there’s anything else I can do for you . . . ?”
“There is one thing, but it’s not for me. Jessie’s been a great help to me during this case. I don’t know what she did in her life that caused her to be sent down to Hell, but I think she’s suffered enough. Can’t you see it in your heart to let her remain in Heaven?”
God frowned. “I’m really sorry. I’d love to be able to do something about it. From the moment Jessie snuck into Heaven, I’ve never had a problem with her being here.”
“You mean you knew about Jessie too?”
“Of course I did, and I was happy to let her stay—”
“So if you were happy to let her to stay then, why can’t she stay now?”
“You didn’t let me finish. I was happy to let her to stay as long as nobody else knew. I liked Jessie a lot. She was a breath of fresh air around here. But as soon as she was discovered, I had no choice but to expel her. After all, I made the rules. If I don’t follow them, nobody will.”
“But you could fiddle with them for me. Can’t you fiddle with them for her?”
“It’s not as simple as that. With you, I’m fiddling with them so you can leave Heaven. With her, I’d be fiddling with them to let her in. Do you see the problem now, or do I have to spell it out for you?”
“I can see the problem. It starts with ‘S’ and ends in ‘l-l-y’.”
“Precisely. I’m sorry, Mr Clarenden, but that’s the way it’s meant to be. When the time is right and she’s completed her penance, she’ll be allowed back in Heaven, but not one day before.”
“So there’s nothing you can do.”
“I’m afraid not. But come, the time is nigh for your return to the land of the living. Can I offer something for the road?” God reached into His robe and pulled out . . . a stick of chewing gum.
“I got these from Peter,” He said. “About time I kicked the habit for good.”
“No, thank you,” I said, and I couldn’t help smiling. Little did God know, this wasn’t the first time He’d been saved by chewing gum.
God looked at me and winked.
Who was I kidding? Of course He knew.
* * *
I found Jessie sitting just outside the palace doors. She didn’t acknowledge me as I walked down the steps and sat beside her.
“Something on your mind, Angel?” I said.
“Why did you bring me back up?” she said without looking at me. “You knew I didn’t have anything to do with this. Couldn’t you have left me to bear my shame in peace?”