William Gaddis
A Folic Of His Own
For Muriel Oxenberg Murphy
What you seek in vain for, half your life, one day you come full upon, all the family at dinner. You seek it like a dream, and as soon as you find it you become its prey.
Justice? — You get justice in the next world, in this world you have the law.
— Well of course Oscar wants both. I mean the way he talks about order? She drew back her foot from the threat of an old man paddling by in a wheelchair, — that all he's looking for is some kind of order?
— Make the trains run on time, that was the…
— I'm not talking about trains, Harry.
— I'm talking about fascism, that's where this compulsion for order ends up. The rest of it's opera.
— No but do you know what he really wants?
— The ones showing up in court demanding justice, all they've got their eye on's that million dollar price tag.
— It's not simply the money no, what they really want…
— It's the money, Christina, it's always the money. The rest of it's nothing but opera, now look.
— What they really want, your fascists, Oscar, everybody I mean what it's really all about? She tapped a defiant foot against the tinkling marimba rhythms seeping into the waiting room somewhere over near the curtains, where the wheelchair had collided with a radiator and come to rest. Trains? fascism? Because this isn't about any of that, or even 'the opulence of plush velvet seats, brilliant spectacle and glorious singing' unless that's just their way of trying to be taken seriously too — because the money's just a yardstick isn't it. It's the only common reference people have for making other people take them as seriously as they take themselves, I mean that's all they're really asking for isn't it? Think about it, Harry.
— I've thought about it, now look. How long do we have to wait. I've got to be in court in an hour.
— He's been in therapy they said, it shouldn't be long. The nurse said he's in a highly agitated state.
— Ever see him when he wasn't?
— Well my God can you blame him? She was digging deep in the shopping bag on the floor there between them — after all, being run over by a car?
— Looks like he's planning a long stay.
— Well of course he wanted his own robe and pajamas, the rest of it's mail, notes, papers, how he expects to get any work done here.
— Probably as much as he ever gets done anywhere.
— And do you have to start that? I mean that's why I asked you to stop up here and see him isn't it? to show a little family concern for him? Maybe you can even pretend it was your own idea, here… coming up with whatever brightly wrapped, — you can give him this.
— But what…
— It's just a jar of ginger preserves, the kind of thing he likes with his toast in the morning. I'm sure all he gets here is that loathsome Kraft it's grape because it's purple.
— You don't think he'll believe it do you? that I went out and bought him ginger preserves for his morning toast?
— I think he'll think you were very thoughtful.
— I was. I picked up a copy of this Opinion in the Szyrk case for him.
— That was very thoughtful Harry, it was just the wrong thought. You know he and Father hardly see eye to eye on anything as it is, do you think this asinine business about the dog all over the papers will help matters?
— And something else here about that big Civil War movie, he may want the…
— Well my God you're not going to show him that! I mean I just told you he's in a highly agitated state didn't I? Isn't it all bad enough? When I drove out there to pick up his things the lawns hadn't been cut, that south veranda still hasn't been repaired I don't know what holds it up, he was going to have the garage doors painted and they haven't been touched, the way he's talked about getting the ignition on that terrible car fixed for months, and then of course Lily drove in, that was all I needed. In a BMW. I wish you wouldn't drum your fingers that way, and can't you do something about that awful music? His hands came to grips on the attache case flat on his lap, and she closed her knees as though in restraint against the turn, turn, turn turn turn, turn being accompanied without great success by stabs from the wheelchair. — A new BMW, she'll probably be here any minute. I didn't want to tell her what had happened but of course I knew Oscar would be furious if I didn't, it's like everything else. I thought it was that real estate woman driving in but it turned out he's never even called her, it's just as well though. You can't imagine anyone wanting to buy the place the way it looked this morning.
— Exactly.
— What do you mean, exactly. It's Father who's making noises about selling it after all.
— That Oscar doesn't want to see the place sold.
— Well I know that Harry my God, we've gone over it for a hundred years. I mean we used to talk about one of us buying the other one out when we grew up, but if something happened to him and the whole place would come to me he'd get violent because it had belonged to his mother when Father married her and he'd say he'd come back and haunt me, he'd jump out from behind doors to show me what he'd do, grabbing me and tickling me till I screamed, till I couldn't breathe till, till somebody came, until my mother came and pulled him off, or Father. That's all he was afraid of. Father.
— Sounds a little unhealthy, if you ask me.
— Well I didn't. I mean we were just children, after all.
— Exactly.
The music had taken up a Latin throb livened by haphazard thrusts, lurches, abrupt leaps of hands from the wheelchair where she turned her back, left an awkward leg behind in her impatience, and which opera, if it came to that, 'true love defying family hatred? a 'tragic tale of family ties and superstition? tapping the deviant foot behind her — but where he ever thought he'd get the money, unless he married it like Father did. I mean you can see why Lily's parents gave up on her, he told me her father's putting all his money into her brother's hands, getting around the estate taxes in case he dies, so of course she pictures herself marrying Oscar and moving right in if she can ever get her divorce straight, which of course she can't. Where are you going.
— Look he's probably going to be here for a while, why don't I come up later in the week when he…
— You can come up later in the week too Harry, I mean this whole thing will give you both a chance to get to know each other a little better won't it, spend some time just chatting? Because I still think he paid off her first lawyer when she went on to this second one, half Oscar's age and she's already managed a mess of a marriage and this mess of a divorce and her mess of a family and now this mess she's got herself into getting her purse stolen? Of course they won't give her a penny no, no but Oscar will, lending her money as though she could ever pay it back while he's talked about getting the ignition on that car fixed for months, the way he's talked about his teeth, will the car last long enough to justify getting new tires. Two thousand dollars for new teeth no, no he'll give it to Lily but he won't go out and buy himself new oh my God! What happened!
— Woman getting off the elevator, she sailed into that nurse with a tray of blood samples and wait, wait Christina sit down, don't…
— But it's Trish! and she was up. — Trish!
— Oh God. Teen how sweet, how did you know I'd be here, look at it. Blood and broken glass all over the floor, it's just like home.
— But what wait, it's all over your coat wait, nurse?
— Nurse! Whose blood is this no, don't touch it Teen God knows what you'll catch, nurse? Can't you do something?
— Just step over here Ma'am so we can, Jim? Where's Jim. Tell him to bring a mop I've got to go wash my hands, tell him to put on gloves.