'What do I want? If you forgive me sir, I wish to deliver myself entirely into your intimate regard. Do you intimidate me? No, you have shown me a generosity which dispels all such fear. It is as you explained in the moonlight at Nicomedia. I will conform to your will as your eromenos, sir, your student of life. I hope to spend my final education in your company and under your patronage and tutelage, sir, just as you yourself proposed on that remarkable night.'
Hadrian eyed the sturdy meirakion before him with hesitancy. Antinous continued.
'May I speak freely, sir? I've never known a man of such substance before, my lord. Not only as Great Caesar, which is remarkable enough, but as a man who understands the nature of the world and men's ways so completely. I am overjoyed to be shown respect and friendliness by such a noble presence, my lord,' Antinous uttered breathily. 'I am amazed at my good fortune. I am certain I am not worthy of it.'
'But in what way are you mine?' Caesar persisted in cool precision.
'What little I am, sir, is entirely yours,' Antinous responded, 'in body, heart, and spirit. I wish to engage fully with your person in all its dimensions, wherever they lead, within my status. My arete is yours to mold.
If it's a respectful companion, a page, a squire, or your cupbearer you seek, I am eager to comply. I am yours to forge.
If it's Eros you desire, sir, my being and my body are entirely at your disposal. Your gesture to me of sexual satisfaction at Nicomedia was as a lightning bolt to me that night. I had never been so intoxicated in another's company previously, my lord. I was powerfully turned on by the occasion. Is this a fault or failing?
However, sir, if it's a lover you seek, as you told me under the cloudy stars that night, then you should know how I too am seeking a companion in life. I too crave closeness with someone special in my eyes. It amazes me how the one person in the world whose very presence stirs my emotions so dramatically appears to return a similar favor to me.
I cannot say I know what love is, sir, but I find I am swept with sensations of which I have no previous understanding. I ache with needs I have no control over. Do I speak out of order, sir? Is this childish talk unworthy of an eromenos?'
'Indeed, you speak with remarkable lucidity. Your command of ideas is excellent, Ant. But I still wonder at your motives, or those of others behind you.'
Antinous's voice lowered.
'Sir, the day of the Hunt when you knifed the boar which threatened my safety and then patiently unfurled my fingers from the impaled lance, was a day of revelation to me,' Antinous murmured softly. 'No one before in my life has taken the trouble to combat such a threat on my behalf, and then follow with equally gracious attention to my fears and excitement.
You might not believe it to be true, sir, but I ejaculated spontaneously beneath my tunic as you unwound my hands from the lance's shaft. I came excitedly without control, my bloodstream was so surging, so enthralled. My tunic was stained, though I managed to hide it from everyone I hope.
Later unexpectedly that same night when again you aroused my horniness beneath the moonlight, I felt myself falling headlong into an abyss of excitement. It was a driven urge I had not experienced previously. Am I being irrational, my lord? Is this foolishness? Does this offend? My body's sensations are seriously in debt to your goodwill and touch.'
Hadrian smiled calmly.
'Did the physician provide you a nostrum to ingest, Ant?' he asked. 'Your tongue is loosened charmingly.'
Antinous shook his head.
'No, my lord, only wine. I always speak from the heart, or else I don't speak at all.'
Hadrian was moved to act. There had been enough talk.
'I am told, Ant, how it is traditional for an erastes to confirm his homage to an eromenos by gifting a token of his intentions? A weapon or other small gesture is the custom I'm told.'
'You have already supplied fine gifts in the form of treasures and our Latin tutor, Thais of Cyrene,' Antinous reminded his company. 'These have been extremely adequate tokens, sir, without par.'
'That's so, Ant. However I'm reliably informed it's also the custom to offer a catch of game, such as a hare or wild fowl, as proof of an erastes' skills as a provider. It's usually something edible or life sustaining, a leftover from ancient trials of proof. Is this true?'
'So I've been told too,' Antinous responded, wondering where this quirky conversation might be leading as no crowing cock or wild game was in sight.
Hadrian took a small cloth purse from his belt. He stripped off the leather tie and emptied its contents into his hand. A single object fell onto his palm.
It was an elegantly carved intaglio signet ring of deep blue lapis lazuli in a setting of silver. Delicately engraved into the vivid azure stone was a cockerel, a farmyard rooster with a high cock's comb. Yet this bird was depicted with a human body and legs represented by two twisting snakes. It had words inscribed around it in an archaic script.
'I have been carrying this jewel for two years now. It was found for me in my domains at Antioch where the most precious magical amulets and talismans circulate from across the East and Egypt. This ancient find is a rare blue stone named lapis lazuli carried from a distant land named Bactria. It has been carved on both sides with special charms and blessed by Magi of the East at rituals invoking exotic gods. It is supercharged with magical spells for the wearer's protection and eternal life.
I acquired this ring with its mysterious cockerel to offer at the appropriate occasion as my erastes' token to my chosen companion, in place of a living cockerel. Unlike a live fowl, this ring offers unique protection against illness, misadventure, and even death, it is claimed. This surely is the most one human can offer to another — health, safety, and eternity? My chosen companion is to wear it always.'
Hadrian took Antinous's left hand and pressed the slender band onto his index finger.
Antinous held the delicate treasure before his eyes to inspect its beautiful color and its strange markings. It was certainly an object of distinction to his perception, but it was also a token of extraordinary significance.
'How does the cockerel provide these boons, my lord?' he asked. 'What is the magic?'
Hadrian again took the young man's hand and raised the ring to their eye level.
'This cockerel is the symbol of the god Abrasax from the East. His origin lies in ancient Babylon,' Hadrian explained. 'The cockerel is a creature which hails the advent of the day, at sunrise. He represents Phoebus, The Radiant One, just as Apollo too is described as Phoebus, shining like the sun. He is the deity of light set in a world of darkness. Beneath the cockerel's head is a man's body encased in a sturdy breastplate as protection against evil, while in one hand he clasps a whip to protect wisdom against ignorance, and in the other a shield to project his omnipotent power.
His legs of snakes tell us of Eternity, the faculty to shed their skins to renew their being.
In the Greek science of geometria, the method of calculating the numerical value of the letters of the alphabet making up a word, his name Abrasax achieves the number 365. This indicates his enclosure in the annual solar cycle. You can see the inscription AEON indicating his 365 eons emanating from his function as First Cause, one for each day of the year.
I am told this makes Abrasax the Pantheus, the total god of all manifestations, the One God. Other secret signs are carved on the reverse to enhance its power. The full complement of its mystical characters are said to provide protection and eternal life to the wearer.
It is this unique treasure I give to you, Antinous of Bithynia, to wear as a gesture from your erastes in place of an edible cockerel. I give you eternal life.'