She gazed at the lamps of Kukurul and was disconcerted by her growing impatience to get down there and prowl; her body trembled with anticipation as she imagined herself stalking men, drawing into her so much lifeforce she shone like the moon. Filling herself with the terrible fire that was like nothing else. Ever. She remembered being awash with LIFE, alive alive alive, afraid but ecstatic. In a way, though she didn’t much care for the comparison, it was like a quieter time when she unpacked her kiln and held a minor miracle in her hands, like those few wonderful times all squeezed into that singular moment of fullness… And for the past ten years she’d had neither sort of joy. Yes. Joy. Say it. Tell yourself the truth, if you tell no one else. Satisfaction, pleasure beyond pleasure, more than sex, more than the quieter goodness of fine food and vintage wines. She pressed a hand under her chin, flattened the loose skin, dropped her arms and pinched the soft pout of her belly; she was tired of aging with the aches and pains age brought. If she couldn’t die, why endure life in a deteriorating body? She shivered. No, she thought, no, that’s despicable.
She moved away from the window, started pacing the length of the room, back and forth, back and forth, across the braided rug; her bare feet made small scuffing sounds; her breathing was ragged and uncertain. She was frightened. Her sense of herself was disintegrating as she paced. The only thing she felt sure of was that her father would neither like nor approve of what she was turning into.
An owl dropped through the window, landed on the rug and shifted to Jaril; he crossed to the bed, threw himself on it. “I found Maksim. He was with someone, so he wasn’t happy about me barging in. When I told him you needed to see him, he wanted to know if it was urgent or what, then he said he’d be back round midnight if there wasn’t all that much hurry. I said all right.”
She sat beside him, threaded her fingers through his fine hair; they tingled as threads of her own energy leaked from her to him. He made a soft sound filled with pleasure and nestled closer to her.
“Jay.”
“Mm?”
“You need to go home, don’t you.”
He shifted uneasily. “We can talk about that after we get Yaro back.”
“All right. We do have to talk. Never mind, luv, I won’t push you.” She slid her hand down his arm, closed her fingers around his. “I can’t live on sunlight or grow wings.”
“Flat purse?” -
“Pancake.”
Jaril laughed drowsily, tugged his hand loose. “So I go scavenging?”
“With extreme discretion, luv.”
“More than you know, Bramble.” He yawned, which was playacting since he didn’t breathe; that he could play at all pleased her, it meant he was not quite so afraid. He turned serious. “Not at night.”
“Whyr
“Wards are weaker in daylight.”
“Since when have you worried about wards?”
“Everything changes, Bramble. We’ve picked up too much from this reality. Things here can see us now. Sort of.”
Brann scowled at him. “Forget it, then. I’ll see what I can borrow from Maks. We’ll pick up supplies on the road.”
“Just as well, the Managers here are a nasty lot. I’ll crash a while, tap me when Maks shows up.” He moved away from her, curled up on the far side of the bed and stopped breathing, deep in his usual sleep-coma.
Brann looked at him a moment, shook her head. “I don’t know,” she said aloud. She went across to the window, hitched a hip on the sill and went back to watching the lights below.
6
“What’s this Jay was hinting at?” Maksim was tired and cranky; she saw that he meant to be difficult.
“Come sit down.” She stepped back from the door and gestured toward the large leather chair that stood close to the sitting room fire. “There’s brandy if you want it, or tea.”
He caught hold of her chin, lifted her face to the light. “Those nits have put you in an uproar. What is it?”
“We need your help, Maksi.” Her jaw moved against the smooth hard flesh of his hand. She closed her eyes, wanting him intensely, roused by the power in him. The futility of that made her angry, but she suppressed the anger along with the desire and waited for him to take his hand away.
He crossed to the chair and poured a dollop of brandy into the bubbleglass waiting beside the bottle. When he’d settled himself, he said, “Tell me.”
Keeping her description terse and unemotional, she reported what Jaril had told her. “So,” she finished, “there’s a time limit. If we’re going to find her alive, we do it before the year’s out. Will you long look for us?”
He held the glass in both hands and stared into the amber liquid as if he sought an answer there. “Where’s Jay?”
“In the bed. Resting. He said to wake him when you came, but I decided not to.”
Maksim’s lips twitched, the beginnings of a smile. “Tact, Bramble?”
“Surprised? 1 think that’s an insult.”
“Never.” The word was drawn out and ended in a chuckle. “Seriously, Thornlet, how quiet do you want to keep this? If I start operating around here, there’ll be notice taken. Official notice. The Managers don’t like outsiders mussing the pool.”
“I haven’t a clue what you’re
“Security, Brann. Kukurul’s boast. Do your business here and it stays your business.” 44so?,,
“Use your head. How do you think they enforce that?” He closed his eyes and looked wary. “If you want me to fiddle about under seal, we go back to Jal Virri.”
“Will they know what you’re doing or only that you’re doing it?”
“Now I’m the one insulted.”
She flipped a hand in an impatient gesture. “Can you work here? I mean, do you need tools you haven’t got?”
“Words are my tools, all I need,” he said. “Little Danny Blue explained that, remember? As long as my memory functions and my hands move, I’m in business.” He smiled at her, his irritation smoothed away by hers. “I haven’t noticed it falling off, have you? Don’t answer that, mmh.” He leaned forward, hands cupped over his knees. “I could get busy tonight, Bramble, but I’d rather wait until I can inform the Managers what I’m doing is no business of theirs.”
“I have to Hunt, Maksi. For lots of reasons.”
“Better wait.”
“How long?”
“Two days, three at most.”
“All right. Will you come with us?”
“No. I’ll make up some call-me’s for you; if you run into trouble and I can help, break one under your heel and I’ll be there.” He lifted his hands, spread them wide in a flowing expressive gesture. “If it weren’t for young Kori…”
“It’s my affair, not yours, Maksi; you needn’t fuss yourself.”
“Hmm.” He got to his feet. “If you need money…”
“I do. But I’ll talk to you about that later. All right?”
“Fine. Third hour tomorrow morning?”
“All right. Here? Good.”
She stood in the doorway to, her suite and watched him stride off down the corridor. That’s over, she thought. I was right. Neither of us is going back to Jal Virri. Healing time, resting time, it’s done. She sighed and shut the door, went over to the fire and stood leaning against the mantle, letting the heat play across the front of her body. Tungjii, she thought. Say hisser name and step back. Maksi was right. I shouldn’t have invoked the little god, look what happened. She brooded until her robe began to scorch, then she shifted to a chair. Slowly, with painful care and uncomfortable honesty, she confronted needs she hadn’t expected to have and set these against the ethical code her father had taught her by example and aphorism.
Don’t cheat yourself by scamping your work, whatever the pressures of time and need; you always lose more than you gain if you cut corners.
In your dealings with others, first do no harm.
If harm is inevitable, do all you can to minimize its effects.
Her eyes filled; she scrubbed her hand across them angrily. This cursed nostalgia was useless. All it did was undercut her efforts to deal with the things that she was discovering about herself, things that terrified her. Disgusted her.