And in the kitchen I see him there. You go drag foot. His eyes go with. I go ignore him. Stuffed throat as I walked past and could not think of how to shock. Hi aunt mammy. Their hellos to me. I going. Keep going. Not my single word for him. Not for him a lift of my eyes. I keep them locked. I’m going to my like a light went off I am going up the stairs.
Later it ran up me. Legs stomach knees chest up head. Like smoke in my lungs to be coughed out. I’d throw up excitement. What is it? Like a nosebleed. Like a freezing pain. I felt me not me. Turning to the sun. Feel the roast of it. Like sunburn. Like a hot sunstroke. Like globs dropping in. Through my hair. Spat skin with it. Blank my eyes the dazzle. Huge shatter. Me who is just new. Fallen out of the sky. What. Is lust it? That’s it. The first splinter. I. Give in scared. If I would. Stop. Him. Oh God. Is a mortal mortal sin.
Our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil amen.
I sit bow-legged Encyclopaedia Britannica on my knee. Sex Sexism. Sexuality. All the words. I know it’s something. I’ve looked in there before. Since I was ten and since I knew what men and women sometimes do but I am something else. I am. Going to the bad. To the somewhere new.
Prayer time. She called and I went down and we’re all sitting there. He is sitting on the chair. You face still bit red your head hang down. Your head. I don’t want that. I see him. Smile at me. A reading from the gospel of St Luke. My own face. I flower a tinct of what I’ve read alone upstairs. It course me. Whipping blood. And Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how he had said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And Peter went out and wept bitterly. Amen. Now there’s a lesson for all of us isn’t there? The aunt’s a little hoarse. Now a decade of the rosary. Shall I give it out? Do. I feel the more my inside lie. If I could just be pure. What would I do? His shoe. His shoe is there beside me. Don’t. I want to look. I struggle want him watching. I will ignore I will ignore. Him. If thou oh lord will open my lips my tongue shall announce thy praise. Incline to my aid oh God. May the Lord make haste to help us.
Two stairs. Three at a time if I can. Leave it. Sitting room. Watching there the telly all of them. I’ll on my own. Be quiet insides. Don’t be fucked-up. I will wait. This out. He’ll be gone. Quite soon. I’ll be pure to then. I will. It’ll be. It’ll be. Fine.
Are you hiding from me? You haven’t said a word in days. We’re going in two. Are you still upset about your aunt? No. Not about that. What’s wrong? Nothing. I start to cry. Don’t. There now. Don’t. There now. It’s been a bad old year for you all I know. A lot’s gone on. It’ll improve though. You know you can think of me in a father way. I’m only at the end of a phone and we’d love you to come and stay. See your cousins. They’re just about your age. Where you going? Come back. Hey! Come back here please.
Oh sacred heart of Jesus I place all my trust in thee.
On the last night before the last day I’m over the hill. I see pastures open up for running free from him. They’ll be gone in one more day. I’ll dig it out. Intemperate. Something this. What? Intemperate something wrong. To look at your family and think of something. What? Something else than just hellos. That’s dirty. Something night.
Sit down here. They’re gone to the shops and someone’s mother who gets messages in photographs. The Virgin Mary hiding round the back at Knock or Maria Gorretti saying cheese visiting Lourdes he laughs. Blasphemy but I’m not one for the fires of hell are you? I don’t know I wouldn’t want to find out. Hedging your bets then, a very wise choice. Blood swirl and swirl. My thud cheeks up. You’re not talking he says. Not saying much. What did I do? Nothing. Did I offend you? No. Quick with your no’s aren’t you just a bit quick? I think you’re too shy of me for comfort’s sake. Sorry I. He says I see you. What? I see you very clear. I see you. I do. So come here. And I can’t help wondering if you see me? You see, I think you do.
I’m invaded in my ears by pulse is going round and round. Pumping in my fingers. His touch my face with flat of hand. You are. Oh you’re a strange one. A quick one too for all your age so don’t think I think I’m not a fool for this. Little madam youth and vigour. Little madam knowitall but I see you. For. What. You. Are. And do you know there’s no one home?
I am sweating here. Ready to give and not. Not at all ready for what I think I’ll get. But I give it. I’ll give it. Take this cup. I’ll drink I’ll not. Thy will be done. Let him kiss me. If he wants. I. Brink it. But when he reaches I turn away under his thumb. I want to kiss you. He. Turns my face to him. Dissolving fright under his hands. He put his mouth on mine. This is kiss to me. Then. Wave of. What. Lost. And he says. That was nice but don’t you want to kiss me back? I. I’d like you to open your mouth a bit. I. Do. He kisses me. The deep again. With lips and teeth and with his tongue. Touch me soft there I did not know would be. Fill my mouth with it. He says. Open your eyes. Is this the first kiss you’ve had at all? Flexed and on a wire I’m. He knows something I don’t. About me. That I am naïve. Do that. Don’t do that to me. I. Feel I might begin to cry or sink or fall. I want. I want. I cannot say. I’m almost. Ready or not. Got to leave. Don’t be angry with me he says. I’m very very honoured. He touch my face. Kiss me again. And I touch his cheek. I touch his chin. I know now. What it feels. That mouth. His stubble. Grating. Think of cheese and not my skin blooming rashes. But it does red and pink alive and specially for me. The burn of it. That smell. That deep in his neck like warm and rich and far away. Like memory I might have had. Will make from this. Have made. And sound of kisses I did not know. Lapping. Thinking me of being at the shore and breaths like breeze going over my head. He tasted. I don’t know of coffee. Right. He tasted like dinner. Like something deep.
But I am waiting for. Something with his mouth on mine. Something touching down below. There’s not. He not. I am what I should do? My hand. On his trousers. I feel. What. Stroke. He breathed out. No! Not for me he says. I stop that. I am not. I go red. I’m not that man. And I’m ashamed to have. What he did not want. But his hand on my chest no my breast. He says that’s enough. For me? I am scalded. For me he says and too much. I am. I. Stand up peel the skirt from off my legs. The back of is stuck there. I’m clammy sweat. And legs are wrong. Excused and dismissed. What I say is You fuck off.
This night is a restless night. Turning in my head the. Wish I could tell you until the morning came.
Come running by the lake. Fall down. I am almost too old for that I should be smoking drinking now. Taking hands up my jumper. Fingers down my skirt. I should be. I should be. I am not. Yet. I stand there. Eyes mist to the wind feel the fresh rush past. Up my nose. That sting. That new day it’s so early in the morning. I see the white and clear. Rising up of the waters. Running round my feet. My gravel feet. My earthbound feet that feel the sway of it. Water. Of the world that’s changing now no changed. It’s changed and this is looking back. The past a flash front. That mix. Knowing what how I should do be say. That’s going up. That flock of geese is rising. Rising to make all the noises. Honk like cars and wings beat hard on the air. Battering it. Cutting it down. They’re going up and up. Feathers and fat young breasts rise and rise above me. I see. I see clear. And the trees there, glassing the water making it jump in go under. Temptation for the tips of my fingers. For the soles of my feet. I step there. Cool and cold and colder. Outside the leather. Coming in over my white socks. Feel it rising. Catch my ankles. Send me tremors. Send me shivers. I know what I’m doing. Mud suckering round my toes. If I stand. Still. The reeds glass bend a little. Shiver winter. There’s a soft cold breeze. I search the quiet out for footsteps. For the armies. Coming. To slither under water here with me. Those spirits smell and see them I do in my sleep. In dreams of all the things that in my life will come to me. Take hold. I fear not. Hear not. See not. Feel the rap on my knuckles of the water going in. It soak my coat up. Up my leg up. Feel it there inside my thigh. So cold. So ice and glass and see though things and friendly hands. Between my secret tight shut legs the water. Lurking brownly seep inside me. Drag me down. I do not. I know not. I know not what I do. It is not that. It is not drowning I have come for. Not for death or any other violent thing that I could do to myself. I am here this hour for. Storage I think. Cleaning and cold storage. I will gush myself out between my legs. Whoever let the poison in. The dirt retreat. The thing I want I should not get. I’ll put my head in for discreet baptise. It makes me want to, feel like laugh. Out loud and crack that silence. Hear the curlews and the gab of swans not far from me. A wee way off. The sun is coming. Much more warm now than I wanted or had thought would be. This crevice lake could be my ocean if I was. That duck. That bit of scum. That bit of tree there floating. I sink baptise me now oh lord and take this bloody itch away for what am I the wrong and wrong of it always always far from thee. Ha. My nose fill with that bog water. It’s run a long brown hill to get into me. Its salt its bits and dirty pieces in my eyes and in my lungs. Ah. You are not here. In this world deep and brown. Filled with rattle gushing noises. Sounds. Unearthly water bubbles rise the top. You are not here. I am free from love and that cold pain shooting through my forehead. That’s a good thing. It’s a fine and right thing. True to what it is. Gurgle. Swell into my bronchioles. Fill that space. Push each air drop out. I let my feet float up there off the ground. I know I am a puffed white shirt floating on the water. Face into a different world. Where are you? You are not here. I am free. To not hear spastic fucking spastic. Feel the slither of one glob of snot or spit at your head. Or don’t touch me. Cool the ocean running through me I wish waves were over my head. I’m floating downside up and wrong side down. Hmm help me I am drowning. Look up. Look up. The day’s begun. The cold and grasp. Retract now my wish for wading going in. My hair a cling now on. Sticking to my face and that rust smell of lake. Put my feet back on the bottom. Slipping in. The silt and grub of it. I think are here pike Jesus they bite I know bring some children down. I’ve heard into the murky depths. My insides feeling squeal now. Yuck this filth. Yuck I have done. The circles snapping circles of the I wade water out to the bank. My heavy clothes and slipping grapple blackthorn bush to pull me out. The silence. Keep the moment. Panic slipping I get out. I’ll catch my. Death of. You know. What’s it. Here can’t be a leech. Not in this country. Too cold here I’m sure. The other side now. Cows are lowing. Lonely ancient bovine cries. Their teats are turning over wanting out relief of hot milk. Let it all begin again. My body cold reflected back up to my face as I stand there. Look down. I see my sorry self. That girl. My wicked. I see new ripe ones. Interesting eyes. Purged off. Cleaned out for sure the stings and bites of. Those things that happen in your head when you are young and cannot fathom never being clean again. The house will still be quiet. If I go there. Drip the floor. I felt this morning strange beginning. I know. I know I won’t tell. Yet. To whom. I go. I see the heron fly. Dart of it over my head. Heading are you out to sea? To the new found world old now though. To a sudden death or a happy mate or a quiet circle or a quiet nest. I watch it overhead. That heron flying. Towards unknown. I don’t think I will be clean now. Think instead I’ll have revenge for lots of all kinds of things. The start is. That is love.