I’m needled now wishing they would go away. It’s enough and I’d like the quiet back. I turn. I start to read. I leave her for she loves to flirt it seems. Shallow stupid bitch. I’ll save for later suck-up jibes. Didn’t know you always had to be everyone’s friend. I suppose if being popular’s important… leave the rest unsaid. Annoy her. It’s her own thick fault.
In a while of mouthing I get up and walk off. She calling what’s up with you? I’m just going for a walk. Well don’t get caught or let us know. Cough loud if you see. Yes yes. I stroll. Feel the grass slit through my hands when I tug trail it. Sharp as ice inside the deeper finger and thumb crease. I am warming up the fire to think of him. Of my legs round him. Gloss and embellish. Gasped my name. Broke my heart. My longing longing. Not for him but I think so. I let it be. If only they knew it’d be revenge for everything. Pick a primrose. I like the touch it has the soft and smell and crush gently gives the best and lasting perfume on my fingers. Squeeze pollen falling on the ground and wipe that off on my skirt. The muck earth slithering under my feet. How would they ever understand my life is more than cider? Complex than that. Fuller deeper richer. Irritation that. Something. Not as good as me in the back of my head. In my silent they’re not so clever not so quick and rule the world anyway as if it’s fair. Think I’m too good. I am but would not say it to their face. Lucky for them. I’d annihilate. Champing at the. I would. Such. I would. Hey aren’t you the sister of yer man in our year?
Behind me in the thicket. Standing up against the light. I cannot see him very straight. The fella with the head thing. What? Yeah you are his sister I know you alright. Bristle bristle hair on my spine and on the back of my neck. You go on the bus with him or sometimes don’t you? My brother’s got a little scar on his forehead if that’s what you mean. Except it’s not that little, and all that bullshit story about the knife he says. It’s not. What? Bullshit as if you’d know anything just because you’re in his year. I wasn’t having a go. Yeah right. Yes. I see. Well. Don’t be so uptight. Oh fuck off I know what you lads are like in that year. And what are we like? You know. What? I know what you did to him so don’t bullshit me with you’re all interested and nice. All I said was you’re his sister nothing more and nothing less. Oooh defensive too. I amn’t. Yes you are and you lot should be ashamed. Why? I didn’t do anything to your brother if that’s what you’re saying. Oh didn’t you? I didn’t. I turn. I sit down. Let the morning drizzle in it’s shush I think now. I don’t want to talk to lads like him. The purpose is? I close my eyes and let him do the work if he wants. He can’t I wouldn’t. I would not. I’d almost sleep here but it’s much too cold. I’m sick with churning round the things ever said of you. And listen for him beat retreat he doesn’t. He must stand and look. Hmmm this one with his big ears. To win I sudden streak. I’ll be dumb-founding. And out of my throat comes a voice I don’t know that says in words my thoughts out loud. The lads in your year are fucking scum and bastards and thicko pig-ignorant culchies. What? They stink of hair gel on too thick and biactol that doesn’t even work. Your friends. The nice boys of your year. Pimply faces white as never seen the light and crusty lips and dirty hands. Think they’re all so cool and can piss on me and my brother but really they’re just desperate for someone anyone to give them a wank. Just leave me alone. But he didn’t answer. That voice already burning in what they don’t know for all their talk. What am I? God. Is that right. How would that be? But there’s some bit feels savage. That doesn’t know the wrong from right and sees the way to venge. I might. I am. I will.
I open my eyes. Do you know how to fuck? What? His red face. So it’s like this is what it’s like. What? Easiest do I ever did. He run scarlet. What? Spit settle on his lip I say let’s go for a walk. No risk for what will he answer ahhh and never no for sure.
She’s turned and looking though she didn’t hear but she knows something’s. Not like me to walk away with some lad and I know I’ll tell later to wipe the smile off her face when she says soooo what were you at? Go on give her one shouts one of the lads. Little does he know.
I tell her I took him farther to the trees and pulled my skirt up. Opened my knees said come on. He was almost died of fright. Tried to kiss me, press against me. Saying something sweet and nice. Like you’re sssssh. Take your trousers down. I’ll only touch his tremble cock. Red and small and scared of me but looking forward all the same. Go on then I say you’re a big hard man. You know don’t you know everything. I don’t he says. Oh don’t you? He tries. He cannot get it in says I. I twist myself around. He did for a little while and it feels like nothing inside me. He gulp say sorry sorry at the end. And I say I didn’t think you’d be a virgin. Jesus. Well someone had to do it for you. Booky booky me and pulled my skirt down pick bark off. Walked away feeling calmer now that that. I told her that later when she was. Startled still. I suppose it didn’t leave much room to say things about it. What for? Why not? Weren’t you scared he’d say no? No.
I pull my skirt neatly under when I sit back with them. Don’t want grass getting up my bum. Jingle jangle. I can be lots of fun see when I start to talk. I never knew you were such a laugh they say. He came too sat beside. Put his arm around my waist. I push that off. What are you doing? Am I your wife? They roaring laughing ask and what were ye up to in the hedge? Nothing much I say.
He was the first off. Worst off. I begin. Now I know full well what I can do. For me and for you.
Now I had two or three behind the prefabs. Consecutive days mind. Them boys. Muck to the great knee high. Slip my boots in it. Their knees ache with bending for they don’t know what. I won’t say I don’t either. Building building numbers up. When the rain comes I will not postpone. It’s now or never. But there’s a look-out for the vice deputy head who looks for smokers in the break. Not this. This no one’s ever seen though it runs round the school like wind.
One in the Ha bike shed. Handlebars dig in my back. He’s all embarrassed I should know the fat spots on his thighs. I have no eyes for that. No ears for any sound emit. I’m thinking counting ticking off. The great work. It’s my great work.
At the lake then two more on the late Saturday nights where they would pass me hand to hand if I would go. I would not. Maybe next week maybe next time. And swig of vodka pressing up my lips. That burn me down. I cannot see their faces or hips that bounce ready for me. I lie. I take my share of them the whole way and there are other girls here. Each one for herself. We don’t look her in the eye. The lads are here for what we are. It makes me laugh. That guzzle and the useless whinging come of them. Some little squeak rat caught in a trap.
And in a car the best. Warm and parked away. They’ll do what they can to me in here. On my knees I learn plenty — there’s a lot I’ll do and they are all shame when they think their flesh desired. Offer up to me and disconcerted by my lack of saying no. Saying yes is the best of powers. It’s no big thing the things they do.