Then I visit see what she means. So much slackness. Sittingness. Sitting still. Sitting down. You always doing. Sitting drive me. Jesus. Spare. Something like. Are you there are you there? Is anything happening in your life? And I think. She’ll be minding you all her days. Maybe yes or is it maybe no. Sitting nothing. Sitting not a thing at all. Watch the telly. It is all. What can I do? Instil. Some seed. For what? She wants me to. But I’m not your. Mother. Something. What do I do? God I want to run. Make my run from here and you two at each other’s throats. Day and night night day and on and on. She’s on the nag at me. And to you she say, did you do that? Yes I did. Did you fix dry wash? I did. Going to such and such? I am. And I say go on. You go and fuck yourself coming down here who you think are? Telling me what to do you’re a fucking slut and all the world knows that. Shut up. Shut up. How dare you? Who are you talking to. Get away. Make me. Again and again. Spinning round in our good spew. Rancid. Rack of it. Such sweet family. I want. Please. Give a moment in this. Please. Give me a break.
I see sit by her crying I am so alone. I wonder if your brother’s ever loved me at all. I can’t do this I cannot. This does me no good at all. Screeching rowing. Every day. When you’re not here I’m. Feel everything give out. Under me. Under this. He’ll never do anything. My head whacking. Amount. And I wonder sometimes for her. Would you be better off dead? Don’t say that. Don’t you ever say that. I say it in me. But. That’s forever now. Look. That is me. My thoughts. Are all shame.
I make off from it. I make my escape. Leave you cough it up fight it out amongst yourselves. Get away from it oh god. And don’t. No. Answer the calls. Fill my ear up. Fill my mouth instead. Man drink do what you like to me. I am safe. I am free. In my own way I am but it weighs me, beats me when I’m not doing the rounds. Split and splatter my heart head. So I get cold in the mouth on answering her bring bring.
Do you know she says. This one’s a big surprise. Your brother I’d say is going mad. Do you know he forgot to go to work today just forgot. What do you mean he slept in? No. Just did not. Creeping over my eyelids. Something awful in that. There’s more than. Something not quite. Wrong. Have you made him go to the doctor? Yes and she says there’s nothing wrong. He should get a pocketbook. Remind himself. But at his age. Do you know Mammy I think you should take it. What? Further. Do you? Yes. I do.
I do not want. I do not want to hear this. But suddenly it’s clawing all over me. Like flesh. Terror. Vast and alive. I think I know it. Something terrible is. The world’s about to. The world’s about to. Tip. No it isn’t. Ha. Don’t be silly. Stupid. Fine. Fine. Everything will be. Fine. Chew it lurks me. See and smell. In the corner of my eye. What. Something not so good.
And I go out and buy you presents. The very next day after this. Knicky knack things I think I hope you’ll like. Some postcards of films. Some tape of a band. Think I’ll wrap them and pack them and stick them in the post. For that’s a little. For a nice surprise. Oh my conscience badly. How is that then? I know. I send them. Those little things and I hope. They’ll stave it. Fix it up. Put it off my little love. So it does it it does not do. What? Whatever it will.
2
The phone rings and on it she says. I think. I think. Your brother’s going to die. I’m. What do I say? What? What are you saying? And the blood pumps in my gums. In my nose. What’s happened now what? Are you joking Mammy are you having a laugh? Say so. P. Please. No. He got a nosebleed forgot his breakfast where he worked fell over cracked his head I thought he would die. I don’t know, I think, you know, it got going after, what, after all these years. I don’t think that can be right. I don’t think that it can do that because it’s dead isn’t it it’s dead because. In his head because. They said, didn’t they say that? What if my tongue swelled up in my mouth what if I just keeled over now I might. I’d like. Not that not that one thing. Take it take it. Take it away. Where are you ringing from? And she says soft, in the hospital, in such and such a place. Far from home. With you. Because. What do the doctors say? It woke. It woke. And it. Came. Split open your veins. Bleeding now into your brain. Such a. Toothless lazy thing to do. After all these years. Could it not have left you alone? Could not. I wish it was yesterday. I wish we were beginning again. I think. Back to the start. I’d be. Hail Holy Queen no that won’t work. I’ll offer something up. God. Mammy. I’ll come I’m coming now I mean in the morning because. I. Because the last train is gone. I will though I will first thing. For you. For you. Nine o’clock. Alright alright there? Tell him I’ll be down in the morning. Tell you. Alright.
And I put down the phone. And I go to her room. And I say. Something really bad has happened. Look at me. Something terrible has come. It’s coming into me in to me. I think. Sorry. I think I heard. I think my brother’s going to die Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I. I.
That long night. Loams my eyes. Burn. Lime it. I’ll do. I’ll. Reach out through it. Catch it before it comes. Quick quick. But it’s gone like a rat. Burrow deep and dark where I cannot go. I have. Nothing against this. No defence at all. But. To fall on the spindle. To be turned into the darkness. To be turned into stone.
Swish swish all the hospital doors in the world sound the same. I am walking in out of the light. God. Under strip lamps and curtains and a stink of green. I am marching and looking. I am seeking you out. Try to find where you have been to. Where you’ve been. She is sitting. Like I’ve known she does all my life click. In the chair on the ward in this petrified air and her face all that’s stopping melting herself. When she sees me she’s both hands. Oh thank god you’ve come thank god thank god. He’s just being examined. You and me we’ll wait out here. I expect prayers to come. But they don’t. Just we’ll lose him and I know we will. We’ll not Mammy. Mammy we won’t. Down we go.
When they’ve gone out we see sitting prop in the bed. You. With some bowl of pudding with your wobble hand eat. Drop it look up say I saved you some. I. And you are, I know, look like five again. So I hug you and say now what have you done? Gone fell over like an eejit. Cracked your head. Well done. Sorry. You laugh all the same. Well done. I am smothered. Air bit strangled by that. So now how are you feeling? Ah not too bad. Not too bad a bit tired and they hurt my head. Touch somewhere a bandage and all around shaved. Ah that’s nothing wait til you see what I do for giving me a fright. You laugh. That’s calm now and I can do that. So are you truce for a moment? And she says we are. We sit. By your bed. Look at you. Think. Wonder. What is going on?
In time. In his time. A doctor comes. Young. Come in pull over your curtains. Sit on your bed. Cross legs flick give pen tap clear his throat shift. Come on come on. We don’t know anything yet. We’ve to run a few more tests til we see where we’re at. Where? We don’t really know as I said. There is something going on. Certainly a shadow showing up on the scan. Ah that’s old she says from his tumour before. No. Don’t think so. I can also see that one. Somewhere else. This is different. I feel you must prepare. Zzzing in my ears. This I don’t know how to hear. Must be for someone else. Not for him. Not for she or me. Yes no he doesn’t mean.