Morning is my worst. The bit of any time. Coming numb from sleep. And know again the world’s happening. Tongue in my teeth and body of smells. Things in this day are happening to you. I thought of you. Of you. Of your waking up eyes thinking what’s today what’s going on? And him sleeping on me. Crush. That face in my elbow. He in my bed. Well that’s the first time we did it not standing up ha. Sssh don’t say. I feel his body now like weights under water. Drag me down. I want. If I could be dead if I could be cut or broken up pushed underneath something feel my skin strip off. I would. Better. Must be better. I must be here. I should know. And what there is I must do. Living. Is something. Is somewhere. This man. I want. Something. Plunge from a cliff. Drag me backwards I must. I am so wrong. But. It’s all the same. Go on go on you can go on.
By the afternoon when now he has his clothes on coffee drank. You know these are my eyes and you can look at them he says. Toast? It is a quiet and worse lie than I have ever told I say. Don’t think about it. Never go anywhere near that. Put his hand inside my thighs. And don’t mention him your name for here is not the place for that. When I am fucked and hurt. Where I go with my eyes wide. Shut. Open. It’s all the same. Idle. Smoking should you do that why because never mind me. And even if his daughters don’t deserve. Look at their faces in my head. I don’t. I do not. My aunt. Well to her anyhow. Because this time I have got what I want. I would never ask for him to tell. He says lie down. I. He says Again.
In the evening when he can kiss me with all his tongue. With the parts of him that are quiet now. I am evened. I am done for this for this while now. He says he’s got an evening flight. He is going home to my aunt. To his children. That his time’s up. His time’s up now. Thanks for I say. Kiss me. Everything. I’ll talk to you soon. Goodbye then. Goodbye. Look what’s done’s done he says. Yes. Say hello to my aunt for me. Don’t. That the phone rings. That’s my mother for me. Well I’ll. Close the door when you are gone. I. He says. I don’t know. Saying goodbye. Take care of yourself. Hello Mammy? Yes I met him for a cup of tea. Yes. For my number. He said. No I hadn’t seen him since the funeral. He’s looking well.
So what was that then with your uncle she says. He’s just over on business now and then. Right. What? Well. The state you were in like he’s you oh I see. What? After the funeral. And? Don’t bullshit me. I. That stuff. I’d smell it a mile away. Funny families. Don’t know what. Father’s or mother’s brother? Uncle-in-law. Well at least it’s not that mortal sin. Ha ha. Shut up. He’s worried about my brother. Pound. Bruise my lips while I tell this lie. Whatever you say but I know. What? There’s something there. He’s just someone to talk to. You can talk to me. I don’t know what I’m doing do you? I say. What? What’s all this, you and me and all the fucking and going mad I don’t know its own reason or the point. What? These things. It’s not right. It’s normal. I’m so. There now. Sit down. Don’t be upsetting yourself don’t cry. I have to. It’s alright. Get something out of me.
That night we’re hunting. Pub to pub. Drink up that. Do you feel? Better now. Better than before. And some nice young man’s mouth some nice young man’s hands up my skirt in the toilets open up my thighs. Mind. All my life is hassle and all of this is fine. Singing toora loora, toora loora lay.
4
I come down to see you again. So now I’m come down every weekend. Do you want to go for a walk with me? Think you still can. And maybe fresh air as they say will do you good. Yes. But we go slowly and you rest on my arm. What if we were young, were small again? And if all this wasn’t to be, what’d we be then? What I’d be. What I’d do. You say Mammy’s making a novena. She says it never fails it never fails in reasons like this when asked with a pure soul. I am tired. Too full of stuff I’ve done. Where my legs hurt where my scalp hurts. I’ll not fight the thing inside me anymore. Let it eat me up. Please God. I want it to.
You are saying doesn’t it look like a when we were little day? High sky and snackish air. It does. We walk so slow for you. Hey look I say, what about that? Will you look at that? What? Up there. See where I’m pointing at. A load of ducks I see them. No. Geese. Swans. Yes. Honking. I like that. V over me. V off to some reservoir I say. To the lake. Sure we’ll see them when we get there. Fat bellies on them. Full of crusts and slugs do they eat them? I don’t know. I’d say I would. Pâté they are for birds. Especially ones that swim. Not slimy like fish. Juicy. Escargot for them. Blather makes you laugh. I like. No snail shells. Not much fun that with a beak. Shards up your gob. Hurts. Did you ever think of it? No you say. I like them flying over a city but if one fell down. Going up to a reservoir or up a canal. I saw a dead one there once. Maybe it did just fall. Whack. That’d give you a quare crack on the head. Swanned to death. Do you know big restaurants serve them? For money you can hit them with a stone. Drag them back there. Swans tongue. On a big white plate. Full of grease and muck and shite. Disgusting. I wouldn’t eat out of those canals. Scabies waiting to hop on you. Yum you say. Hundreds of pounds worth of muck swan on your plate. Slurp it. Imagine, is that a wiggly bit there in the meat? It loves slugs you know. Imagine that. A diet of slugs can make you fly. Do you like them? You should try it. I’ll make it for your tea. Do you still see them flying there? I do I do. Well they’ve gone off now. I hope no one will kill them tonight. Yes. Me too. Are you alright? I’m alright. Good.
Sting me to the bones to see you this way. To see you. There is nothing to say for the jaws shut tight when I’m alone. Will we all get better? Will we all be fine? Father in heaven. Father up above. I don’t want my brother to die.
The telephone rings. I’m over next week will I come? I won’t cry off. Just for this weekend this once and won’t do it ever again. Gets the smell of me. I know. Even I can tell. The smell that I will always do whatever it is he wants because. Come I say.
I’ve missed you. Think about you all the time. Fill me over with. Stuff. In my ear. In my head. How’s your brother? Here’s some money. Thanks. Your aunt says hello. Oh? She says she might be over next time. With you? Me. Ha. To see your mother. Is she? Lend a hand. Isn’t that great. Lend me yours he. I give it. Put it in his pants. Jesus. Jesus he says. Curl over me. And you’re worried I’ll tell? No. That you fuck me. She’d want to. Like to know I’d say. No. I’d tell her. Shut your mouth. This time I would. You won’t. Won’t I. Good to spill his cup. He hurt my arms. You open your legs. I. I’ve haven’t stopped thinking about you for a moment he says. Shame I didn’t think of you at all. Do it. Not until. What? You hurt me. He pull by the hair. How you like it? Does that hurt? No. Then what? I want. Words drown like water. Make me know what you mean. What? When you miss me. What words are when. Get. Jesus. Over. He goes somewhere else inside. Does that hurt? Yes. A lot. A lot and relieves me for a while.