And he came, this grandfather, like bolts from the blue. Not a bit of warning just a rap on the door. No one expects the Spanish inquisition late Saturday afternoon. Would they drive four hundred miles without checking you’d be in? But he did because you wouldn’t dare not. Not be in, indeed. Stay for a week us beck and called. Still children loved him and the lollies in his pocket. In the post office they’d say he was a real type of gent. Held doors for women. Kind to dumb animals. Gave generously to the plate on Sundays and could teach you a thing or two about a godly life. Gave up the drink for his mother on her death-bed. Bad he was and all with it. He says himself it was the hardest thing he ever did but if you’re bad to your mother you’ll never have luck. He doesn’t know about that but he knows what’s right. Never touched a drop again after. All those children too and each one a regular communicant. A daily one himself and us when he’s afoot. You’ll scorch eternity in hell then you’ll wish you’d gone to church. Don’t turn your face from the father or he’ll turn his face from you. And he’s a saint with that wife of his also. They say she got very hard. Bitter-like with him and sharp. He never says a word. Offers it up as penance. Oh he has his cross to bear — but sure, hasn’t everyone? Besides it’s as nothing to the death of a child. He doesn’t mind telling you his faith was sorely tried. There’s no grief like a parent’s. No there’s no pain like that. Set him off with the drinking. And this grandson just brings it back. His daughter could have spared him descriptions of the little cut open head, should not perhaps have phoned crying he’d only six months to live. But he reminded her he’d not had as much himself. So show some gratitude for what you’ve got. A lot my girl. A lot.
Sit down youngster and tell me what have you been at since I was here last. Have you grown? So you won’t be stunted? Thanks be to God. How’s school going? Are you top of your class yet? Ah you will be soon enough. And how are the tests? And arithmetic? Well, that’s not up to much. You can’t be trying that hard. Your mother was good at sums. You should ask her to explain. Well then ask her again. And how’s the head? Have you been for any more scans? Well that’s good. And how’s your mother doing? No sign of that feckless father I suppose? I knew the minute I laid eyes on him. No sense of responsibility. I hope you won’t turn out like that. Well, I’m very glad to hear it. And how old are you now? What class are you in? Have you been saying your prayers? Going to communion? How often? And confession? Every week? You know it’s important never to receive the host in a state of sin. Your body is a temple for Christ. Did they teach you that at school? So why do you not go more often or are you just so good? Never tell a lie to your mother? Never fight with your sister? Well there’s no arguing with that. But you know pride’s a deadly sin we should all be humble before God. Your father was a proud man. He wouldn’t come to mass and look what happened to you as a result. So you beware of pride. Well now, say a Hail Mary and we’ll forget about it but the next time you go you tell the priest. Go on then. Hail Mary. Go on Hail Mary full of… Grace. You pick it up. The Lord is… How can you forget? Do you not say the rosary in this house? Then how can you not know the Hail Mary? No, this’ll not do. This is a terrible carry on.
And what about you Miss Piggy? Come in here and talk to me. You are. You do look like her. Don’t you be cheeky. You’re the image of her. That snout you have on you. Now see. I’ve got it. Say please and you can have it back. Don’t you hit your grandfather. There. Have it so. Bold brat. If you were mine you’d be over my knee but then my little girls were well-behaved. They’d certainly never slap their grandfather on his sore leg. Because it would make him cry. Now I’ll have to tell your mother and you’ll get a beat on your bot. Because I’m her Daddy so if I say it she has to give you a smack.
I’ve just been talking to your son. And your daughter. Well… But first what have you done to upset your sister? That’s not what’s been said to me. She said you knew she was sick and you never called. It could’ve been asthma. She could’ve been admitted to hospital. Well so far no card’s arrived and I’ve no reason to think she’d tell me a lie. Well I don’t know. You might. You could be twisting it all round. You’re that turned in on yourself. Isn’t there a phone box in the town? As she said herself she made all those calls when that boy took sick. But since the day and hour he did you’d think you’re the only one has worries. So listen here, I have more children than you and I love them all equally and I won’t be made to pick and choose. You are. You are asking me to. You’re trying to make me take sides. You probably want me to give out to your sister. Well get that out of your head for starters. Oh you don’t fool me. You’re not bothered about anyone even your family. Well you never thanked me at the hospital for that money I sent. I didn’t say anything at the time but I was deeply hurt. Of course there was time. There’s always time for gratitude. Truth be told you’ve just assumed we’d always be there for you and we always have. But not a word of thanks. None whatsoever. Oh I’m sure. I’m sure you didn’t mean it. You never do. And when I went to have that eye test you never called. It could have been. I could have had glaucoma. Both your grandparents had. But sure what’s the point. It’s like talking to that brick wall. You were always a selfish. No. Don’t please Daddy me now.
And that child only made his communion a year ago and he can’t even say his Hail Mary. Have you no morals? I mean what kind of way is that to rear your son? But of course you’re so clever. I forgot. Too good to marry a man who’d want his children to believe in God. Oh we look down our noses at those sorts, don’t we? We wouldn’t want to be like that, would we? You’ve always looked down your nose at me and my beliefs. You’re above that sort of thing. But I couldn’t care less because I’m grateful for how God has worked in my life. You do laugh. Of course you do. But I’m the one put food in your mouth. Your superior husband, where is he now? And you still think that’s the way to rear a child? I was a daily communicant by nine. I was serving too and there was none of this Do we have to? If they’re asking that then you’re doing something wrong. That boy has a lot to be grateful for. It mightn’t have left him that bright but he’s not six foot under and don’t tell me that’s not the power of prayer. Half the parish doing novena’s night and day. It was not remission. No it was not and you be careful because what he gives he can also take back.
And look at that one. What way is that to rear a girl? Look at her. Forward rolls in a skirt. It’s disgusting. It’s perverted. Underwear on display. What kind of carry-on is that? How is she supposed to be a child of Mary? Well, you shouldn’t let her away with it. I never reared you that way.