The hours come. They come. Over all the clock. Around with time. I am sleeping my face on your quilt. Hear the doorbell ringing. Know the cock has crew. Oh come in. Make yourself. Sit down. Our mother opening the door. In. My daughter. Dr blah and blah. If you want to sit there. Shall we leave you? No you can stay. Doctor is she? Hello. Stand up. Don’t mind yourself what happened to your eye? I fell and hit my head. It looks sore did you put some frozen peas. Don’t mind her doctor. She’s grand. Well take it easy the next few days, sit down. I do again next to you.
This is a lovely peaceful room. Yes it is. My daughter made it before she. How nice. Round the bend. Well it’s a hard old time for everyone. Hmmm she but she. Yes. In the end. And now your name? What’s your name? she said all soft to you. I’m doctor from the hospice. This is my first time to you and I’m very pleased to meet you. Meet you you said. You’re tired out. I am I am. There’s a pulse in my mouth going round and round.
She took her things out things she need to do to you. And took your pulse and hit your knee and asked the day and date of week and you didn’t know those things at all. It’s alright she said sure when you’re not out much it’s easy to get confused isn’t it? Yes you say. And I was glad she said that. You smiling. Have not. In some time. Checked for bedsores. For stretch marks. I see. The weight you’ve put on makes flesh like rips under your arms and on your stomach I see. Like claws gone in lacerations and pulled off your skin. There she says some cream and says that’s the steroids. Smooth your blankets out.
Tell me how you feeling? You say. I’m so tired now. All the time I. Wish I’d watch television I’d play some games with the other boys if ever they came round. I. Shush there, let him tell me. And how does it feel? Your head? Nothing I don’t think anything’s up in there. Nosebleeds? Headaches? Vision getting blurred? No. When I get better. Sssssss that fills me so I get worse. How do you think you are yourself? she asks. I, you say. Haven’t I? Haven’t you what? Cancer somehow in there. I clamp. You do, I’m very sorry to say she says. Will I give it to my children when I grow up? You won’t. That’s good. And then silence here. Waiting. Swallow ocean. Waiting for. This is a moment when I want most to be dead. Face into the water or lying on the bank. Not around for this. Coming here. This sunny afternoon. This. When you say it.
When am I going to get well?
She says.
You’re not. I’m sorry to.
Am I
this silent moment you say,
Am I going to die?
You are.
She.
Clearer in this moment than you have ever been.
Sooner or later doctor?
Sooner. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to have to say.
And you. Filled up your bluest eye that fill and fill. Begin to cry.
I’m going to die then. Now. I’m going to die.
Yes. Is there anything you want anyone to do?
No.
Is there anything that you’d like to?
Say sorry.
What?
You. Filling all our hands with tears.
I am sorry to my mother and I’m sorry to my sister.
And you held my hand. Though you could hardly could. I wish Don’t say it but you do.
I’m sorry to you for this dying and all the things I’ve done.
Oh no oh no oh don’t do that or say those things that are no matter anymore.
Don’t be sorry to me.
I want to.
Don’t.
I say
Shush silent night.
I put my head down beside. Fill my mouth up with bedspread. Fill the air out. Stop the. The coming in. And your hand on it. Down on my hair. You’re crying and I am.
There there
You are saying to me.
There there there.
Death falling through the room, sucking all words from air for us. And for quiet of five minutes we are just. The blasted moment. Crushing our every bone. Please God don’t make me ever raise my face up. And you said
Why you crying? Why’s everyone crying here? I was. I was asleep and now everyone’s crying. She mother says
There’s no reason in the wide wide world.
Comes pats you on the back and says to me go blow your nose and wash your face Madam. I do. I do obey and first kiss you and. Fine I say don’t you mind about me. I’m grand. Then leave them to whatever they want.
In the toilet eyeballs bleeding it almost feels. Shussssh. Breathe. Wipe the burn out. Wipe my flesh. Deteriorating. No. Everyday. I know the end the end. We. And I’m the fucking one and please help. Da our father art in help. My prayer mine. Please. Don’t. Do. This.
I come out. There there, white hall with tiles and doors, with pictures hanging up. Work to do to make across it. Them standing open at the door. Her whisper saying tell me when? She doctor saying slow. No more months. Maybe weeks. One or two. Not any more. He’s sleeping. Getting incoherent now. He could have stroke or just go. My son my son. My child my baby my boy my boy. I. There. And I am. She puts her hands on me. She puts her arms around me. Oh my little. My boy my boy. My mother. Feel the. Strange and I am comfort there. I am the. Right. I am the right thing. In this time. Mammy. I will mind. This time. No shush. Take care of that eye the doctor hush and call me anytime. Thanks doctor for saying all that. For him. Goodbye.
It is soup for dinner. My aunt made. This is her best thing. Chicken and bread. I dunk the fat slice. My mother hands crawling to eat. And uncle head say, so we’ll do night about. He’ll need someone always there. Yes I. Tonight I’ll stay up he offers. All you go to bed and sleep. I’ll call if. He does not look at me. Filthy. I wish we prayed. This quiet house. My brother. Goodnight. I kiss you. I will. End this drum of day.
I dream of creeping under. I dream of underground where the warm earth is where the fire goes. Where we’re sleep creep you and me in holes. In burrows rabbits safe from rain. Roots growing caverns round our heads. And blind as mice popped out and new and cling and soft our bright pink skin. Who’s there? There’s no one. You and only me. We sing. We lilt our chamber. No one coming. And we lie. A thousand years of sleep. And get beards wrinkle old and small and we. Troubleless in our deep. Eat the earth-worms fat slugs things within. But I dream. Roots come growing. Slowly and tangle in. And roots come more. And fat and thick. And roots come fast. Roots fast in. Roots seek us. Catch us. Roots that want our head. Our eyes. We move about. The trees will have us. Have our brains for. No one in. That the trees will have us. Roots growing in the bursting through our skulls. Through in through our brains. Seeking out our noses. Seeking out our eyes for. Strangle. Choking out the air. Mangle organs. Tangle pain with us. The worming earth. Grown through. Pin us into soil. Grow life around and choke the air. Claw us. Snare us. Grow through our hearts. Working through our lungs and brains and we and fight and we howl. To silent. No more. Make us dead. Make us into mud. Rotting in the down. Rot in the deep. Turning into stone. Dust we we were. Dust return.
I night watch you this night. I sit. Hands under your head say drink this. Just drink this. He. You won’t. Not that. Don’t like here. And I say. I wipe your face. Dribble I see it. Just there. And swim your eyes around your head. Thanks for. That I. It’s alright my love go to sleep. I sit. These tick tock hours moving night across the ocean. Moving night across the sky. You moving once in a while. Say I want out of bed and I. There. You’re fine. You know you can’t. But I. Shush now. Read some flitter book while you are asleep and sleep and. I go under that. Until seven until eight. Until someone our aunt comes and says I’m up. You go on to bed. I do.