But the afternoon I am by your side saying wake you wake up. Don’t sleep now and you are you are nearly done say just a little moment. Just one more. And I peel around the kitchen and I peel around her home. Yours. I know that. Lifting heavy fingers doing what. I don’t. Still don’t. I don’t know.
When doctors come to visit saying. How’s his back? How’s his sores? Is he sleeping? Can you wake him up please? I can’t I know. He won’t. You won’t. They shake. He’s deepest deepest. Only when he wants to. Wake up. Anymore.
I can’t wash myself clean. I cannot wash my hair my. I tie the long bit back. I lie on beds I stare and watch islands by in clouds of up. Where I would. You. When we were small would make our homes. Happy palace. Where you are going. Soon. And when you’re gone.
We are happy cross each other. Everyone in the house. Eyes that wander off. Don’t see. Don’t see in the hallway on the stairs. Smelling dinner coming all the time and I say to you. Will you have a little something? You there. Can’t hold your fork. Hold your knife. I cut. I say. For you. Open wide now let me put it in. And you won’t smile and you won’t chew. Please eat it. And it will do you good. She sit and says I will. Let me. She. Go on please. No. You won’t though. No more eating for you.
She sits with you. That night I hear. Hail holy queen hail our life our sweetness and our hope to thee do we fly poor banished children. Of Eve. And in the morning. She is there. Cross her legs with her book down. Rosary wound like rope. Pulling in her skin going white til blue.
I walk and I buy you ice-cream. That I can. No. For you, lick a little bit. You’ve done well done what she says to me. In the kitchen. Lean on the back of my chair. Get what we can down him. That’s it.
So our uncle take this evening and will sit the night. Says he I will read the Irish Times he’s fine with me. And I’ll call if there’s trouble. All of ye can go to bed. I put my face down in a pillow. Think if I were dead if I were dead I’d be the best best thing. All good and right and well. I hear nothing. I. The all the night because the sky falls down where my bones should break. Nail me right inside the blackness. That’s a good night’s sleep for me.
The morning’s not so wild. He says that you ranted the all night. You up and down and up and down. What? How’s that I say. Sure he can’t move at all. He says you want the toilet. Twenty times last night. I could not lift him he says. The steroids filled him all up. You. Like a balloon. Too heavy for carrying. You know what. What’s now. No. No. He wouldn’t want. No. Yes. It’s past time for it.
Nappies now. For you. Sorry. The nurse teach me and she. We’ll do it. No one else will. For we’re the secret flesh and blood. You won’t mind us. You will. Roll him there. Roll him there she says. Like a baby. Stick on sticky tapes. Not so tight. There. Yes. I. There. It stick on there.
Tonight I sit with you. It’s. It’s fine. I. Secret in the whole house sleeping I am. Awake. And you are mine in the breathing. That breathing in and out remembers lost or quiet things you always wanted. Yes I remember those things too. Don’t you like me best here doing things for you? When you breathe I know what you reply. Yes the. That’s the. Come up to the lamplight. To. What you say you will. Anything at all I. I would slavey on my knees or tightrope cross Niagara Falls. Would you like spaghetti on toast from me on my head at dawn? I would and you say. Oh afternoon have I slept all day? I. No sure it’s middle of the night are you okay how do okay? I’ve just to go to the toilet. Shame you cheeks to say this word. I. You don’t have to get up. I’ve to. You can do what you have to there. Shut what a thing to say. Give me a hand. Up. I. Listen you’re alright there. You say. What? Your face red. What’s that? There there I say. I have to go to the toilet. You can go there. I. No I can’t are you gone crazy? No believe me you can, sorry. I’m. You have to. No. I can’t lift you anymore. If you won’t help me I’ll. You can’t. What’s the. Something. Words words. I’ll go on my own. Your temper that’s the devil up. Normal almost sight again. Pull the bed but melt like water. Gone to hell. All your muscles. You’d give me a hit but can’t. I. There. Lie back. Lie back. You have to. Don’t do this you say. Don’t. You have to. And I turn away. I say. Just go don’t worry it’s. Normal now. It’s fine. You. Strapped up in your body. You don’t live there. I. Don’t look. I hear you. Crying. Going in the nappy. Rage. Not fair. Not fair. You wait til I’m well. You can definitely kill me then I say.
Quiet.
Turn and you are back asleep. I. Know I lift the cover. Clean up. And now you’re gone fast far. Breathing. Don’t see me. Don’t know I do. New one. Clean you. Put it in the bin. See. My one act. I might be a person. Beneath the. Where horrible can be a good act of contrition. Shush there. You there sleeping. My boy. My brother. Wish my eye for yours tooth for your tooth. You’re a better. No. It’s all fuck gone. Gone to the gone to the wrong wrong wrong. Be shush for you. I can.
Three days three days going. From here. Where’s the time and everybody. All around here like. Tapping all the time out one two three. You there sleep go down to that. So we are going into the end. I am. Pool. We are where the blind go, I think. Cool cool days. Not a breeze even here. I’ll be there. See. I am. I am. Already. It’s a thing. It’s a thing. Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of. Fine. Fine fine. We’re. That’s your breath. Yours is. Watch it. Catch it. Catch it all the time. I’m. Watch that. We are. You see. Be here now. I see the curtains flap in it. Puffing dresses. Ghosts. Like big and pregnant. Takes the breath flip flap away. When I was little girl. Open up the door. Let the sunshine on. What’s that? Do you see that no you don’t. I see you. And you’re so quiet. Like a still. Like a Oh. Creeping on the floor. Spiders and flies.
Where’s it going where’s it going lights turning on they’re not. I’m safe of, cured of now of that. When I love you that’s all gone off where it should do. Out. He. Knows me. Not to choose. Though we smell each other all day long me she aunt he. There’s no room for him in me. Or thing we did. Million million years ago fell off the planet. Good. Safe within my healed up eye.
But.
She said you should go to mass. Pray for. Me. Think I might do. This is the time. Sunday go. Sit rove praying. Not like when I was little long ago though, when I was some other thing. I bow my head. But the words of prayers are come coming into me as I have never been gone. Gone from praying or the house of God. You take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us. Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us. Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world. Grant. Us. Peace. Fill my shallow breathing. What I could be. Be granted peace. After all this. After all I am Mary Magdalenish. I would wash with my hair, wash away sins. Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed.
After communion, after go in peace to love and serve the Lord, thanks be to God I step out of the church. Immaculate blue sky. If I carry my state of grace Hello girleen I thought it was you. Who? There is a man, sitting on the wall smoke out stub of fag his face black and blue, wrist in plaster arm in a sling. Not. Yes. I don’t know if I see. Girleen girleen. What? Nice uncle you have there. Desiccation of faith, where’s it going. Where’s it going? Gone. Fuck you I say. Mouth going pound. We’ll see about that he says but I’m already down the path glazed and shame before my eyes. I want you. I want to be home and when I am inside I do not think of him again.