He done and shake the. Let me. Fall down there. No the usual it is but i lost the. See I love the. Clean my little girl I’ll wash your face. I’ll kiss your face. I’ll see you sore. I’ll touch your mouth. My eyes. He. Pat my girl. My soon I’ll take you far far away. Kiss my girl my poor poor girl. We’ll. Had such a hard time little girl. Take care of you. I’ll mind you now and tuck his thing. And there and now and calm. Love now I’m going down. See if I can help your mother. Keep everything normal isn’t that right? You should go to sleep. You should go to bed. It’s a long and terrible day for you. He. Sit me on the bath. i hold on there. Now love. Tight until he’s gone.
Stag i can’t stan i cn.an’t stan i fall down on the splish of the water run it. See my invisible face. i’m drowned i’m awake i’m drowned. No your brother is and not you. Clickedy click the lights are off. Are on. Water take all. Boil up. i slip in the deep. My face go under there. Purple waves and taste of foam. You. No. Not here. i’m burn.
Think get up now go in your room and later when they’ve all gone i’ll know the thing. Alright. Later then.
i go i off to the room where i lie and lie down on my face. Think of this. Did i give him all he asked for then? Mouth tasting of sick. Eye back in my head. A burning stomach. A body wet from the rain. It did tonight I remember. I recall. Wet and freezing. No it. Did it? I. Give it to him if he wanted it. I don’t. I think he did. Fuck the. I’m the girl. Did that is that love to me. I’m. Spite and spit and sick. That’s me that was. Is now. What me? In the layers of make-up? In the smear on his shirt? In the cold pocket between my legs? Where do I live? Where am. Someone he can see and cut into. Good to be. Butter and knife. No. What he takes. What he takes is the what there is of me. Now you’ve. I thought was nothing left. Now you’ve. How he knows it. He knows it is there for the beating the stealing the. I. Some place around that. No. I am there. Now you’ve. I. What’s it like in the silence when. You. I. Where. I. Hello. Hello. Is he are you there? Ssssss. There? I’m only here in my bones and flesh. Now you’ve gone away.
The night is quiet. There are no dreams.
But this morning no one came for no one comes for me. How can I. Wake. My face is brick. My everything sting and swollen. Up. I am. Something. I am sore. Do you. I go I. Down the stairs. Cold. My mouth hurts against the light where it shiddent and it shouldn’t lick it smart. My back. Thinks it feels too riddled with holes. Dead. This. I. In the kitchen no move no one. Everyone quiet is sip their tea. Aunt there in the cornflakes eating. Uncle mother not you but me I. Go and will not look up. Have a cup of over there. I. In this house of. I am left behind. Is your face sore? Not too. Teach you what. Teach you go walking all times of day and night. House I am left behind. Yes Mammy. You’re a disgrace. I am. I am. If your father was. House I am left behind in. If your. I am sit. Curl table body and face. Sit up while I’m talking. I’n mammy I. Feel my ebb to the grass and tea with leaves I’n. Going. Sit up I said. Sit up. Where’s my skin is black with. Ants and. Where’s my brother? She says I’ve had enough nough to last a lifetime. Ma. Your brother’s dead my girl. Lying stretched out in there as you know well. Left behind in. Your brother’s dead and all you can think about is. Before everyone. Before everyone you came here and displayed yourself looking for sympathy. From me? From me? You dirty. Don’t now our uncle says. Says she you keep your nose out if nothing else. I’ve only so much patience and I’ve bitten my tongue too long. You have shamed yourself and me and your brother most of all. I can’t even look at you. I haven’t wanted you in my home. But I allowed you because I thought you were making amends. But not you. Of course not. Selfish to the last. You couldn’t even let your brother’s wake pass without making a show of yourself, showing everyone your contempt. Well my girl, you may look down your nose at my beliefs and friends but I wasn’t out throwing myself on every man passing while my brother was dying. You are disgusting. You are. Sick in the head. How you’ve lived. This filth you’ve made of yourself. So now your good kind brother is gone and God forgive me but it’s true. I almost wish it was you lying there in that box. You. And not. My. Son.
I am. Get up from that table. Slide the. Cold hard tiles. My the. Oh my brother where have you gone? Where’ve you. What I’ve done. Where you going? she says. There are so many doors here. So many so many that. Open. Open it I am. I’m. Where you going? I’m so many doors I can knock knock knock. Where’s my coat. My hat. Where you going? For a walk. Down. You be back here in an hour and you be washed and dressed and clean there’re people coming. The priest is coming and you be here for the prayers. I. Don’t want to hear it she says and cover that bruise, it’s the very least you can do. You’re a disgrace. Yes Mammy. And true but. I am gone gone gone.
I go into your room. You are breathing no not. Like stone. I kiss the all. Wrong head poor head. Was yours. Where. White. Touch all wrong hands folded over like. Now and at the hour. Of prayer and say now your eyes are shut on me. There’s a white patch drift. See it? Where I have. Rotten. Been. Where we have. Brother and. Brother and. Go round my head. Simple as it was. Gone. Wrong. Where my hands are. Hold out for me. Hold. I never asked I never did I. Moving. Don’t see through you. Is silent and blank. Don’t. Don’t forget me because I won’t be long. I’m going walking. Over the stones. Close out the cold door. On me. My love. Close out those old stones.
I go walk blacks of road go cars there white as. Rubbish passing on my feet are hurt and. Blind my lips. All that’s. No speaking. No speaking here where the sunlight and cold wind blow me quiet. Burning motors. Crows go round the sky. I’m. Walking where that’s home. And wind blows thistles on me. Nettles to burn but. Turn the little road. I see there. The little road down.
Pass the lamp posts. Out of sight where the trees are. Cover me. Turn the corner spread before. What I want to. I go down. Walk gravel off the path where grass is trodden, rabbits been and maybe cows have. Suck of hoof marks. Filthy ditch strangle grass, sticks bottles petrol scum of. Rushes. Twisted wind. To the end there. Look. And stand.