we were just friends.
I remember the first time
he claimed me.
We were at a party
with a bunch of kids from school
just after Thanksgiving.
I’d gone with Sethany.
Trey had shown up on his own,
like always.
Seth and I were chatting away
when some guy
from a school ‘cross town
came up to me for a dance.
Before I had a chance to speak,
Trey threw me a look,
then got all in this guy’s face,
smiling though
and saying nice as anything,
“Excuse me, but
this is my girl.”
Trey found me in the library,
surprised me with a kiss
on the back of my neck.
The heat of it
ran up and down my spine
and I’m thinking,
Dylan who?
“See you later,” Trey whispers.
distracting me a little more
for good measure.
So, of course,
I had to go back
to the top of the page
and start reading
“Do Not Go Gentle
Into that Good Night”
all over again.
I can’t usually stand know-it-all
b-ball players,
but I liked the way
Trey committed to
steering clear of drugs,
and how he talked about
keeping his body pure-
something we had in common,
even though I know
it doesn’t mean the same
for him and me.
Maybe, one day
it will.
Trey said he’d be happy
to hang out with me wherever,
so I invite him to video night
at church.
Soon as the lights wink out
in the rec room
and Princess Bride
blinks onto the screen
(never mind that we’ve all seen
it a gazillion times!),
Trey whispers in my ear
that he wants me all to himself.
No more of these group dates
on video night,
or lame trips (his words)
to the local skating rink
for spins around the ice
and cups of hot chocolate.
“Why can’t we,
you know,
go on a real date,
just you and me?”
yeah, why not?
I start thinking.
Why not?
“Careful,” Seth warned me.
“I see the way you look at Trey,
the way he looks at you.
Remember, we both promised God
we’d wait.”
“We’re not doing anything,” I told her.
We’re not doing anything,
I told myself.
Still, I couldn’t help but notice
how the purity band
on my ring finger
seemed loose lately.
Like any day now,
it might
just
slip
off.
Alone at his house,
his parents I don’t know where,
we sit on the sofa,
the TV watching the heat
rising between us.
I tingle all over
as Trey closes the distance.
It’s okay,
I tell myself.
I won’t let it go
too far.
But before I know it,
his hand is rubbing my inner thigh,
racing toward my waist,
reaching underneath my-
What am I doing?
“Stop!” I tell him
using what little breath
I have left,
too trapped
in my own frustration
to worry
about his.
I switch on the TV,
see this boy and girl
plastered against the wall
of some fictional school,
kissing their brains out,
then sneaking inside the boys’ room.
Together.
I shudder, slightly disgusted,
and turn away.
Still, I start to wonder
if all the other
kids are right.
Am I Miss Priss?
Am I making too big a deal
about waiting?
“You’re so beautiful,” says Trey,
his hands busy
with my buttons.
I finger the cross
round my neck.
A voice inside me chides
Remember:
you’re saving yourself for true love.
Trey must’ve heard.
How else to explain
him suddenly
cupping my face in his hands
and whispering,
“you’re killing me, girl.
you know I’m falling
in love with you.”
Nelly’s “Body on Me”
filters through the window.
I close my eyes,
wait for the music to end,
but I still can’t sleep.
The beat of my thoughts
a rhythm I can’t get
out of my head.
I just want you.
I just want to be
your addiction-
lines from a song
stirring in me
and the CD
isn’t even on.
Like a summer shower
falling in silver sheets
thick as curtains,
love rains down on me.
Love
and love
and love
and Trey
are all I see.
I can’t explain it.
I think Trey
and feel as if
I’ve swallowed warm honey
and a spoonful of sun.
I’m not that pretty,
still I’m the one
he wants.
Don’t ask me why.
I only know
it makes me happy.
And isn’t that what love is?
And isn’t love what God is?
So how can wanting more of this
be wrong?
Trey strokes my bare shoulder
and I shudder as
once-familiar words burst
like fireworks in my brain.
Something Pastor said about
temptation, and God’s help.
What was it?
I start to push away,
to study the words before
they fade.
“you’re sweet as
a chocolate Sunday,”
whispers Trey.
I smile, close my eyes,
and wait for more.
Before I know it,
my eyelids are screens
flashing the words
your body is a temple
of the-
“Silk wishes it were
as soft as you,”
Trey interrupts,
blowing hotly in my ear.
And after that, I swear
I don’t remember
much of anything.
Oh, God, oh, God! His hands
mapping every inch of me,
journeying where they shouldn’t be
but, ooooh!
Lord, I know you’ll understand.
you made my skin, Trey’s hand.
I never knew it could feel so-
What’s he doing?
Mmmm. He’s tracing my name
across my belly,
Mister, each letter
wet from his tongue.