After that, I became much pickier about the women I asked out. It took a lot of trial and error but I eventually learned that I preferred quality over quantity. For some men, two fives make a ten—for others it adds up to fifty-five. It helps to know which one you are.
I know many intelligent men. I’ve never met one who was smart enough to learn from other people’s mistakes. The best I’ve seen anyone do is to learn from his own mistakes after a couple of failures rather than hundreds, or never.
My goal isn’t to try to help you avoid mistakes. I encourage you to make them; no one gets better at anything without mistakes. My hope is that by reading this book, you’ll learn how to avoid making the same mistake over and over again.
We can choose how we act. We can’t choose what we want. If we could, would anyone pick being homosexual? Our society has become more tolerant, but life is still much harder for those who are different. I suspect that if people had a choice, very few would choose to be that kind of different. Since we don’t have the ability to choose what we want, the best we can do is to understand the parameters of our own desires. To do that, we need experience.
There are men out there who marry their high school sweethearts and are happy to be with that one woman for the rest of their lives. There are others who are miserable in the same situation. It helps to know which one you are before you get engaged.
When I was a player hopping from one woman to the next, I was never satisfied. I was always bored. I thought I didn’t have it in me to be happy or content. I may cause some of you to upchuck by writing this, but I didn’t know how to be happy until I met my wife.
Prior to meeting her, the longest I’d dated anyone was six months. My average relationship lasted three weeks. I had a lot of one night stands. All the time I’d spent in the past getting into failed relationships, all the work I’d put into figuring out why they failed helped me recognize I’d found the one I was looking for. I knew on our second date I wanted to marry her. I proposed to her exactly one hundred days after our first date and I’ve been happy ever since.
Most of the people who knew me before my marriage thought it wouldn’t last—that I’d never be content with just one woman. Now when I go out with my male friends, I don’t notice attractive women unless my friends point them out for me. Whenever I focus on a pretty girl I don’t know, I get PTSD flashbacks of waking up next to a woman I didn’t like. I involuntarily recall countless breakup conversations—all agonizing in their own special ways. I know in my deepest core, how NOT green it is on the other side of the fence.
I’m not recommending you follow the path I did. Looking back at my life, I can’t believe how long it took for me to realize what I wanted. As a guy who’s always taken pride in my analytical skills, I’m embarrassed that it took hundreds of failures for me to understand what worked for me and what didn’t.
Few players have the ability to hang it up like me. What makes me different? It probably has a lot to do with my oxytocin levels.
Oxytocin is a neurochemical that is also known as ‘the love hormone.’ The inability to excrete oxytocin has been linked to the inability to feel empathy. The science of oxytocin secretion is not completely understood, but it appears that the pleasure of orgasms is directly linked to oxytocin levels you get during sex. The higher the concentration of oxytocin you get, the better the sex is.
It’s common knowledge that some women reach orgasm easily and that others don’t. It isn’t as well known that there’s a similar level of variability among men. For as many men out there with problems with premature ejaculation there are others who are able to obtain an erection but have difficulty coming. Just like women, these men fake orgasms. Our oxytocin levels during sex have a lot to do with how enjoyable or even addicting sex can be for us.
Every study on human sexuality has revealed that infidelity is common, but it isn’t as common as fidelity. We can be cynical because cheating occurs frequently or we can be optimistic because there are more monogamous couples than non-monogamous.
There are two extremes of oxytocin production during sex. In one there is a low level of oxytocin the first time a person has sex with another followed by steadily increasing levels as long as the person is having sex with the same partner until a high plateau is reached. If you have this pattern, you tend to be monogamous because sex with a new partner isn’t that good and sex with the old partner is great.
On the other extreme, there is a huge bolus of oxytocin produced the first time a person is with a new partner, followed by steadily decreasing levels of oxytocin each time the two of them have sex. There are case reports of people who claim that sex with a new partner gives them a better high than shooting up heroin. Not surprisingly, these people frequently become addicted to sex. If you have this pattern, it’s difficult for you to be monogamous.
Most of us fall somewhere in between these two extremes; more of us trend toward monogamy than otherwise.
Which pattern we follow is determined by our genes. In our lifetimes, it’ll likely be possible for us to get a genetic test to see if we’re prone to monogamy or not. Until then, the only way we can determine what kind of oxytocin pattern we have is to have sex and then see how we react.
I’m not religious but I’m also not anti-religion. For the most part, the happiest, most centered people I know are believers. The most irritating, un-centered people I know tend to be rabidly secular. If you have strong religious convictions that tell you to avoid premarital sex, please don’t break them on my account. There are too many advantages to living a life you’re proud of to give them all up for a bit of self-knowledge. But if you are having sex or if you’ve had sex outside of marriage, it’s a waste not to learn something from your experiences.
Biology is not destiny. I had no idea how good sex could be until I found a woman I loved. The fact that one night stands didn’t feel all that great didn’t stop me from having them over and over again. We have the ability to overcome our genetic preferences, but our lives are much better if we understand them.
If you’re the kind of guy that has incredible, mind-blowing sex the first time you’re with a woman and are bored out of your mind by the twentieth time, you have the ability to remain committed and faithful, but you’ll eventually lose interest in having sex with her. You have the prerogative to live a life without enjoyable sex. But is it fair to make that decision for your partner without her knowledge?
Women have the same oxytocin patterns as men. You may be the monogamous type but if you’re thinking about committing long term to a woman who was out of control when you were first with her and now she’s yawning, you may want to re-think that commitment.
If you’re lucky enough to end up with the perfect woman in your first or second relationship, I’m happy for you. If you aren’t, learn from your failed relationships. Science is a fancy name for trial and error. You’re a nerd. You should be open to using science to improve your life. Try not the date the same kind of women over and over again. Try to learn what you really want. Figure out what works for you.
Chapter 10: Learn the difference between real and fake friendships
A true friend likes you exactly as you are. They know all your flaws and they don’t care. You never have to worry about putting your best foot forward or hiding your real opinions when you’re around your friends.
It’s easy to tell who your guy friends are because you don’t want to have sex with any of them. If a guy is annoying, he isn’t a friend.