“We need a cleaner,” I said firmly. “I am not walking round the Nightside looking and smelling like this. Even Razor Eddie doesn’t smell this bad, and he sleeps in doorways. People would point and throw things.”
“Not twice, they wouldn’t,” said Suzie.
We ended up at Unconventional Solutions, a twenty-four-hour emergency cleaners that boasted it could handle absolutely anything, from dragon’s blood to Martian slime. If you can beat it down with a stick and wrestle it through the door, we can make it shine and sparkle! promised the sign over the door. So Suzie and I walked in, and a moment later, everyone else rushed out. It might have been because they recognised Suzie and me, or it might have been because of the smell, which was so intense it practically had its own colour. The girl trapped behind the counter, wearing a smart white outfit, and a badge that said HI! I’M TRACY, glared at both of us with open loathing.
“Well, thanks a whole bunch for the loss of custom. Though if I weren’t pinned behind this desk, I would also be legging it for the nearest horizon. What is that smell? It’s worse than the toilets at a vegetarian restaurant. It’s like tear gas! My eyes, my eyes ... What is that?”
“Trust me,” I said. “You really don’t want to know. Can you do anything with these clothes?”
Tracy sniffed loudly. “How about shooting them, then burying them at sea?”
“You do know who I am, don’t you?” said Suzie.
“Of course. They put warning posters about you all over the Mall.”
“You really want me to get cranky?”
“You wouldn’t like her when she’s cranky,” I said solemnly.
“Strip it all off and stick them in the bags provided,” Tracy said resignedly. “I suppose you want the Emergency Special Biohazard Deep Clean While You Wait service?”
“Sounds good to me,” I said.
Tracy pointed to the changing cubicles, and Suzie and I chose one each. Togetherness is all very well, but the smell was bad enough on its own. Combined together in a small space, it would probably have blown the door off the cubicle. I removed my trench coat with great care, looked at the state of the clothes underneath, gulped, and took it all off. I bundled everything up, being very careful what I touched, packed it into the black plastic garbage bag provided, slipped on the complimentary dressing gown, and stepped out of the cubicle. Suzie was already there waiting for me, with her own bulging bag. She was also wearing a dressing gown. Mine was a smart navy blue, hers was a shocking pink. She looked at me.
“One wrong word at this moment, and you will never see me naked again.”
“Perish the thought,” I said gallantly.
We took our bags over to the counter, and Tracy accepted them from us while wearing heavy-duty rubber gloves. She held the bags at arm’s length, pulled a variety of faces, none of them good, and glared at Suzie and me.
“Did you remember to empty everything out of the pockets?”
“Don’t worry about the trench coat,” I said. “It can take care of itself. Suzie?”
“I already removed the weapons,” said Suzie. “They’re in another bag, back in the cubicle. Don’t let anyone touch that bag if they like having all their fingers.”
Tracy slapped two customer numbers on the counter before us and disappeared out the back with the bags. There was a pause, followed by some loud if rather muffled bad language. Suzie and I moved away from the counter and went to sit in the chairs provided and read the nice magazines. I settled down with the Nightside edition of Empire, and read what Kim Newman had to say about the latest films: Butch Cassidy and the Cthulhu Kid, Clive Barker’s Transformers, and the rediscovered Orson Welles classic, his Batman movie, Citizen Wayne. Sometimes it’s nice to sit back, put your feet up, and enjoy a little light reading. Suzie had Which Magazine: Weapons of Mass Destruction, A Consumer’s Guide.
I could still feel Excalibur in its invisible scabbard on my back. Removing my clothes hadn’t disturbed it in the least.
Our clothes were back inside half an hour, spotlessly clean and impressively immaculate. My trench coat was so white it practically glowed, while someone had taken the time to polish every last bit of metal on Suzie’s outfit, from the rivets to the steel toe-caps to all the remaining bullets in her bandoliers. Suzie and I took our clothes back into the cubicles, and I soon emerged feeling like a new man. And able to breathe through my nose again. Suzie stepped out of her cubicle, fussing with the two bandoliers so they crossed right over her bosom. She never looks impressed with anything, on general principles, but she didn’t seem too displeased. Tracy beckoned us back to the counter and slapped the bill down before me. I took a look. I didn’t know numbers went that high. For a moment, I actually considered telling her to put all the filth back on. Instead, I shook my head and smiled condescendingly at Tracy.
“I have decided I don’t need to pay any of my bills in the Mammon Emporium. Partly because I am the new Walker, and if any establishment annoys me, I can have it shut down on moral health grounds. But mostly because I have recently saved this entire place from being blown up by a soulbomb, and if anyone gets stroppy, I can always bring back the Things from Outside and let the merchants deal with the bloody things. Any questions?”
“Go ahead,” said Tracy. “See if I care. They don’t pay me enough to deal with people like you.”
“There are no people like us,” said Suzie.
“Got that right,” I said.
Squeaky clean and utterly fragrant, Suzie and I made the long trip out of the Nightside and back into London Proper. Suzie insisted on accompanying me this time, and I didn’t have the heart to say no. She stuck close to me at all times, and though she wouldn’t give up any of her weapons, she at least kept her hands away from them. People gave us all kinds of funny looks as we strode down Oxford Street, but no-one actually said anything. They didn’t want to get involved. We finally came to a halt in front of where the Green Door wasn’t, and I struck an impressive pose.
“It’s me! I’m back! And I bear important news concerning Excalibur and King Arthur.” There was a long pause. The Green Door remained firmly absent. I scowled at the blank wall before me. “Come on! You know who I am!”
“Yes,” said a wary voice from nowhere. “We know who you are. But we also know who that is standing beside you. That’s Shotgun Suzie, isn’t it?”
“She’s with me!”
“I know. That’s the problem. I’ll have to check.”
The voice fell silent, and Suzie and I were left standing there, in the open on Oxford Street, for some time. People were starting to pay serious attention to us, and not because I was loudly berating an apparently empty stretch of wall. If anyone looked like they were getting too close, Suzie just looked at them, and they remembered they were needed somewhere else. Suzie’s always been good at that. The voice finally came back again, hovering on the air.
“You can both come in, but only as long as you agree to vouch for her behaviour; at all times and under all conditions.”
“I promise Suzie won’t kill anyone who doesn’t need killing,” I said.
The voice sighed loudly. “I told them this was a bad idea. I’m going to hide all the good china. Come on in, and remember to wipe your shoes.”
“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said about me,” said Suzie. “There will be special treats for you when we get home.”
The Green Door appeared before us and swung slowly open. Suzie and I passed through into Castle Inconnu, and the Door closed quickly behind us. A knight was waiting, in full armour, to guide us through the many stone corridors. Suzie looked about her unhurriedly, being deliberately not at all impressed, as usual. The knight took us by the quickest route, and maintained a steady pace. He didn’t bother us with questions, probably because Suzie kept looking thoughtfully at his armour, as though judging exactly how many shotgun blasts it would take to penetrate it. We finally ended up back in the Main Hall again. Sir Gareth and Sir Roland were waiting there for us, still in their full armour, with their helmets clasped under their arms. They nodded to me and gave Suzie a long, thoughtful look. She gave them her best hard look in return.