“Don’t suppose there’s anything to eat here, is there?”
“I wouldn’t,” I said quickly.
Alex glared at me. “I’m sure I could find something ...”
“That’s what worries me,” I said. “A somewhat merry King Arthur is one thing; a King full of killer E coli, bent over a toilet when he should be out saving the world, is quite another.”
Alex sulked. “It’s been days since we had a real case of food poisoning.”
“What about that nun who exploded?”
“Coincidence!”
Kae got Arthur really excited over the concept of cocktails, so I moved off down the bar and left them to it. I paused a moment to murmur in Suzie’s ear.
“Why are you keeping such a close eye on King Arthur? He’s saying all the right things.”
“They always do,” said Suzie. “You of all people should know that legends rarely turn out who you expect them to be.”
“But this is King Arthur! If you can’t give someone like him the benefit of the doubt ...”
“I have,” said Suzie. “I haven’t shot him yet.”
“But can’t you ... well, just feel the nobility pouring off the man?”
“I’ve never trusted my feelings,” said Suzie.
I moved even further down the bar, took out my mobile phone, and contacted the Authorities, to find out what had been going on in the Nightside in my absence. I got put straight through to Julien Advent.
“Where the hell have you been, Taylor? All hell’s breaking loose in the Nightside!”
“It always is,” I said.
“Not like this! You’d better come straight to me, so we can talk.”
“Okay. Where are you?”
“You’ve got Walker’s old watch. He programmed it to bring him right to me, in times of need. Open it and say my name, and it’ll lock on and bring you here.”
He hung up on me. I took the gold watch out of my pocket and looked at it thoughtfully. I had to wonder what else Walker might have programmed into it. He always was a great believer in little surprises, and leaving nasty booby-traps for the unsuspecting. I looked back down the bar at the others.
“I have to pop out for a minute. Arthur, don’t touch the bar snacks. Suzie, don’t let Alex put any of this on my bill. I’ll be back soon, then we can set about stopping the elf civil war and saving all Humanity if you’re not too busy.”
“There’s time,” said Arthur expansively. “If there’s one thing sleeping for centuries teaches you, it’s that there’s always time. Now, Sir Alex, more of that peach brandy, I think. Yes. I like the peach brandy. Off you go, John Taylor. Don’t mind us. Lots of drinking still to do. Never face an elf sober; they’ll just take advantage.”
I opened up the gold watch and got the hell out of Strangefellows before I said something someone might regret.
The Portable Timeslip delivered me straight to Julien Advent, dropping me off right on the top of Griffin Hill. I arrived standing on the edge of the great pit where Griffin Hall had once stood, before the Devil himself appeared to drag it down into Hell, along with the Griffin himself and his awful wife. He really should have known better than to make a deal for immortality. No matter how good a contract you have, the Devil is always in the details. I turned my back on the pit, and looked down the long, sloping hillside that led eventually to the Nightside city streets. The strange primordial jungle was still there, still horribly alive and active, thrashing violently as parts of it went to war with the rest. One of these days, the jungle is going to advance down the hill and march on the Nightside, and it will take a lot more than weed-killer to stop it.
I’d put my money on industrial-strength flame-throwers and napalm.
Julien Advent had his back to me, looking out over the Nightside streets, but I had no doubt he knew I was there. The great Victorian Adventurer had been dodging assailants and assassins for longer than I’d been alive. He could spot a ninja in a darkened room two houses away. I moved over to join him.
“Hello, John,” he said, not looking round. “So good of you to join me at such short notice. Hell of a view from up here.”
“Why are we here?” I said. “You know this place has bad memories for me.”
“This is where Walker died, isn’t it?” he said, still not looking at me.
“Yes,” I said. “He tried to kill me. I had no choice.”
“Did he die well?”
I thought about it. “He died in character,” I said finally. “He was himself, right to the very end.”
Julien shrugged. “I suppose that’s the best any of us can hope for. Look out there, John. Look what they’ve done to the Nightside.”
I looked down at the city, that great sprawl of blazing streets and hot neon. The night was full of fires and explosions, strangely coloured flames and magical flare-ups. Buildings were burning like bale-fires in the night, and every now and again an entire block would vanish, to be replaced by something worse. I watched barricaded holdouts detonate, sending burning shrapnel up into the night sky like so many fireworks. There were vivid lights and horrid sounds, and here and there certain landmarks quietly disappeared, running off to hide in some safer dimension.
“The elves have come to the Nightside,” said Julien Advent. “A whole army of the vicious little bastards, bursting out of new and old Timeslips, all across the city. I didn’t know there were so many elves left in the world. They’re killing everyone they encounter, butchering and slaughtering, and laughing all the while. I’ve got all of my people out on the streets, doing what they can; but things are bad down there. Almost as bad as the wars you started.”
“I did not start the Angel War, or the Lilith War,” I said, a bit tetchily. “I wish people would stop saying that.”
“If it quacks like a duck, stick an orange up its bum,” Julien said vaguely. “The elves are killing people, apparently to get themselves in the mood for their coming civil war. A chance to stretch their muscles and try out new weapons. They have a lot of new weapons, John—magical and scientific. Awful weapons, doing awful things. The elves are running wild in our streets, simply for the fun of it, looting ancient treasures and objects of power, and anything else that catches their eyes. We have to stop them, John. While we still can.”
“Do we know whose elves they are?” I said. “Which faction they belong to?”
“Does it really matter?” said Julien, looking at me for the first time.
“It might. We’ve always been able to negotiate with Oberon and Titania. Mab ... is another matter since she returned from Hell.”
“We don’t know whose elves they are,” said Julien. “They’re not interested in talking to us. The rest of the Authorities are down there now, fighting to regain control of the streets. Jessica Sorrow is walking up and down the Nightside, disbelieving in the elves till they disappear. The Unbeliever may be on our side now, but she still scares the crap out of me. Annie Abattoir has been using some really nasty magics, some so bad they even shocked the elves. And Larry Oblivion has been using his magic wand to good effect. Yes, I know about that. Please don’t tell him I know; it would only upset him. He likes to think he can keep things secret from me. And Count Video and King of Skin are working together, for once, doing really horrible things to all those elves who don’t get out of their way fast enough.
“They aren’t alone. I have a lot of people down there, fighting for control of the streets. But we’ve been through so much, lately, John; we’re all tired and worn-out. By the time we gain the upper hand and drive the elves from the Nightside, I’m not sure how much of the Nightside will be left. We’re still rebuilding from the last two wars. We’re not as resilient as we used to be.
“I should be down there with them, leading and inspiring the troops. But I wanted to talk to you first. They say ... you have Excalibur.”