—He spoke of five launches in one month. How do you know the dogs?
—It’s Dezik, not Derik, and Tsygan. I feed all the dogs, Mother. They’ll use them to study the effects of space travel.
—Which would suggest they are thinking about sending a man up soon. This should be cause for celebration, should it not?
—No! Tsygan is the sweetest thing, Mother. She just wants her belly scratched, not to get blasted a hundred kilometers into the sky.
—Presumably, the objective is to bring the dogs back alive.
—There’s a parachute.
—You see… How do they not run out of air?
—They have a little pressure suit with a bubble helmet. But something will go wrong, Mother. Something always does. The parachute won’t deploy. The rocket will explode. Korolev is going to kill those dogs.
—Then you should go and make sure that does not happen. Go for the dogs, Mia. Go for Korolev, or yourself. Whatever the reason, you cannot spend the rest of your life hiding from everyone.
—I don’t—
—I need to show you something. Wait here one moment.
…
You have asked me what we were many times before and I did not have an answer for you. Here. Look at this picture.
—It’s a fish, Mother. I don’t know what we are but I’m pretty sure we’re not fish.
—It is called the Amazon molly. It was discovered in 1932 in—
—In the Amazon.
—No, Mia. In Texas. It gets its name for the way it breeds. The female molly—they are all female—finds a—
—All females? How’s that possible?
—That is what I am trying to explain. They are named after the Amazons of Greek mythology. In most versions of the myth, the women warriors would visit a neighboring tribe and have sex with them before returning home. They would keep only their female offspring and either kill or abandon the males in the woods.
—So this fish of yours kills its male babies?
—No, it does not need to. The Amazon molly finds a male from a species that resembles it, and tricks it into believing it found a mate of its own kind.
—They have sex?
—I do not know the specifics of their mating ritual. I do know they need sperm from the male fish to trigger the development of the embryo. Do you remember when we talked about genes?
—Pea plants.
—Yes. Pea plants. What makes the Amazon molly so special is that none of the genes from the male fish are passed on to the offspring. Only the mother’s genes are. All of them. The babies get everything from their mother.
—Everything. You mean, like us?
—I do not know if it is exactly like us, but yes.
—They’re all the same fish?
—I suppose it depends on your definition of “same.”…
—Shit. We’re fish. Why are you showing me this, Mother? Is that supposed to make me feel better?
—Yes, it is. What I am trying to tell you, Mia, is that the world is vast and full of strange things. Just because something is strange does not mean it should not exist. You feel different. You are different, Mia, we are. That does not mean you have no place in this universe. I cannot tell you what you are, but I can say with absolute certainty that you belong here as much as everything else.
34
Unforgettable
—I’m tired, Nina. I’m tired of this.
I’m surprised Billie stuck with me this long. I’ve been distant, cold. I need her but I can’t stand her being close to me. I can’t look her in the eyes; it reminds me of what I am. I stay awake every time I spend the night because I’m afraid I’ll hurt her in my sleep. I just lie there and stare at her bookshelves. She’s read A Hero of Our Time again. It’s not shelved where it used to be.
—It’s okay, Billie. I’ll leave.
—I don’t want you to leave! I want you to talk to me.
—…
What would I say? Hey, I killed some thirty people. Want to play chess?
—You’re hurting, Nina. I can see that. You’re in pain and I want to help you, but you won’t let me.
—I don’t need your help.
—You need someone’s help. I love you, Nina. I love you with all my heart, but you won’t let me do that either. I can’t just sit and watch you suffer from a distance. I can’t do that. You need to let me in.
She’s right. I won’t let her. She doesn’t know me. She’s never seen what’s inside. What she loves, what she thinks I am, it’s a lie. If she saw…
—It’s probably best if we stop seeing each other.
—Fuck you, Nina!
There. Anger I can relate to. This is real. I deserve that. She… I don’t know exactly what she deserves but I know it’s better than this, better than me.
—I can’t give you what you want, Billie. I can’t share everything that’s in my head. I don’t want it in my head. I sure as shit don’t want it in yours. I’m making you unhappy. I can see that. You said you can’t do it. I understand.
—Fuck you!
—Billie, I—
—I never said I didn’t want to. I said I can’t! As in it’s too hard! I see you suffering and I suffer with you. I watch you drown and I’m gasping for air. You and I, we’re… I’m not giving up on you, Nina. I don’t give a rat’s ass if that’s what you want.
—Why?
—Because you don’t do that, you pudding-head! You never give up on the people you love. When the storm comes, you hold on to them and you don’t let go. Do you hear me, Nina? You don’t let go.
I am the storm. She should get as far away from me as she can.
—You have to.
—…
She’s… getting out of the house. This is her place. I should be the one leaving.
—Billie, wait! Where are you going?
—…
She left the door open.
—Billie!
—Come!
—I—Let me just get my shoes….
—Who needs shoes?
Neither of us, apparently. She’s sprinting. This is true Billie. I want her to run away, she makes me run after her. I am running, barefoot in the middle of the night. I want her. It’s me I can’t stand.
She’s getting away. The streetlamps aren’t working but the moon’s so full we can almost touch it. Faster. We aren’t the only ones who can’t rest. I see cars across the Moskva, silhouettes in dimly lit windows. Moscow’s ill-behaved, it only pretends to sleep. This feels good, somehow. The pavement’s still warm, but the faster I run, the more I feel the night breeze blowing in. She’s going for the bridge.
Faster. My heart is stomping louder than the city. It’s not the running, it’s me gaining on her. Hunting. She’s slowing down in the middle of the bridge. Full stop. This is where she wants me. She’s…
—Billie, DON’T!
She can’t hear or she won’t listen. She’s climbing over the guardrail.
—Catch me before I fall!
She’s crazy. She’s across the rail now, leaning over water. I need to run faster.
—Stop it, Billie! You’ll kill yourself!
—Not if you catch me first!
No! She let go of one hand. She’s dangling sideways, arms spread like an angel. She’s gonna fucking kill herself.
I’m almost there. Her hand is slipping, or she’s letting it slip. Her fingers are stretching. I won’t make it in time. I—
—FOR FUCK’S SAKE, BILLIE! ARE YOU CRAZY?
I caught her, barely. She’s still leaning back but I’ve got her arm. I’ve got her.