Only now, in the end, do I understand.
It is not our path that brought us here but my straying from it. I let selfishness and doubt distract me. I wanted what other people have and I forgot the treasure we possess. I forgot my purpose.
Hsue-Shen was right. We cannot change what we are. I tried, and the Tracker knocked at our door. I broke the rules, and my daughter paid the price. I pretended to be something I’m not, and Mia lost her child.
Now I get to set things straight. Survive at all costs.
I got the ax off the wall. It is heavy. I can see the Tracker in the corner of my eye, but I am not looking at him. I am staring at the platform hydraulics.
—MOTHER, NO!
Good. Mia knows what I am doing. I wish there were another way but there is not.
—…
—NOOOOO! PLEASE, MOTHER, STOP!
One swing of the ax. She will need to run fast. The closest blast door is a quarter mile away. Run, Mia. Always run.
The Tracker stopped dead in his tracks. He does not know what just happened. He sees the cable dancing, spitting oil like an angry snake. He does not understand. He just now realized Mia is gone. He can hear the pump struggling. The platform above us just dropped three feet on one side.
Now, he knows.
[What have you done?]
That is a good question. I have lived. I have learned. I have made mistakes. I doubted. I did what I could to honor the ones that came before me. I brought a life into this world. I tried to help. Now I die, but, as my friend said, at least I will die knowing who I am.
—I hope I have done enough. Now burn, you fucking piece of shit.
The platform is coming down hard. We will be dead before the fuel tanks rupture and blow this place to hell. There is so much I have not done, but I have no regrets, for this is not the end. Ninety-nine of us are gone, but we were born a hundred times.
My name is Sarah Freed, and we are the Kibsu.
CONCLUSION
60
Stand by Me
A handful of fine clouds linger over the ocean, thin and wispy, while the sun dips its toes and sets the sea on fire. I look forward to our time on Mallorca. It will be… It will be just that, our time. Me and her and nothing else. No rockets, no computers. I came here to give birth—the Tracker will never find us here. A new life is coming. It’s exciting, and scary. We’ll make it work. I have it all planned. The three “B”s, I call it. Books, beach, breastfeeding, probably not in that order. I have some time to figure it out. She won’t be born for another five months.
I was pregnant a week after Mother died. I was in shock when I came out of that base. I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t think. All I had left were the rules.
Preserve the knowledge.
I ran home, threw our journals in the trunk of the car, and drove east.
Survive at all costs.
I found a shitty bar next to a truck stop and dragged the first man I saw into the bathroom. I don’t remember what he looked like. Ugly, I think.
Don’t leave a trace.
I torched the car, found a truck on its way to Miami, and hopped on the first boat heading for Europe.
I’m not sure when I cried for the first time. I know it took a while. I still… I haven’t quite come to terms with Mother’s death. It doesn’t feel like she’s gone. In some ways she’s not. She’s inside me. She’s… happy. Happy that I’m alive, that we’re alive. It’s for her that I—that we’re here tonight. I found this secluded cove a few days ago. It’s just us, all one hundred of us, looking at the sky.
—Look up, Lola! I know you can’t see, but there is a man up there. His name is Yuri. He doesn’t know that we’re looking at him but I bet you he’s looking at us. Not you and me, he’s looking at the planet. He’s seeing more of it than anyone in history. He can see whole continents. He can see Earth’s curvature. Did I tell you we live on a giant ball? We do! And right now, this very minute, there is a tiny tiny spaceship spinning around it with Yuri inside it.
I wonder what he’s thinking. Does he know how many lives were spent getting him up there? Can he grasp the sheer amount of work that went into it? I bet you he couldn’t care less at the moment. Good for him. He’s the first man in space, it would be a crime if he weren’t having the time of his life. He left from Baikonur, on my rocket. Well, Korolev had something to do with it as well, he and a million others, but there’s a bit of me in that rocket. Lots of memories. Not many regrets.
Oh! She’s moving.
—You like that, don’t you? Someday you’ll build ships like this one. You’ll send people even farther. Don’t worry, not today. There’s a lot I need to teach you first.
We’ll stay here for a couple of years, then we’ll find somewhere I can work. There’s lots to do. Mother said it: getting to orbit is only the first step. We need to go farther, much farther. We’ll start with the moon, then, another planet. Then… Then Lola can figure it out.
Lola… I had absolutely no idea what to name her. My one friend here—I made a friend—told me not to worry about it. She said: “Wait until she’s born. You’ll know when you see her.” I laughed. I know exactly what my daughter will look like. I would have named her Sarah, but that’ll be weird and creepy when she grows up. Billie, well… There’s only one Billie. I took out a piece of paper to make a list, but I couldn’t come up with a single name I liked. Finally, I wrote down a big “101” and pinned the sheet on the kitchen wall. One morning, I was making eggs and I saw it. I added the “a.” 101a. I think it fits. I can see myself as a Lola.
I wonder what she’ll think of me. Will she look at her mother the way I looked at mine? Will she see a pillar of strength or the insecure child I still see in the mirror? Now that I’m in her shoes, I often ask myself whether my mother was as sure of herself as I made her out to be, or if we were more alike than I thought all along.
I don’t know where we’ll go. I don’t want to return to the United States, not now. When Lola’s older, maybe. If she wants to work on rockets, we’ll have to go where the rockets are. Unfortunately, that’s also where the computers are. We’ll see. Fortunately, I can continue Mother’s research anywhere. I will finish what she started. I think I owe her that much.
There’s something else I want to do. I want to find out who we are. I want to know if the Tracker was telling the truth. I want to know where we come from, what our world is like. Mother said that we lost the knowledge a long time ago, but I think it’s out there somewhere, waiting to be found.
I’m not sure what the future holds for us, but I’m eager to find out. For the first time in my life, I know exactly who I am. I am a mother, a daughter. I am all of those that came before me and all that will follow. I feel… very much alive.
—Can you feel it, Lola? We’re alive!
We are alive. We are the One Hundred.
FURTHER READING
(Not as boring as it sounds, I swear.)
The story’s over (for now). I learned a ton writing this book. I knew little of the space race when I began, nothing of rocket science. Writing in the past was the biggest challenge. Basically, nothing exists and women can’t do anything. When were women allowed to open a bank account on their own? Was there duct tape in 1945? Was “alpha dog” a thing back then? That said, I love research, and digging into history was a lot of fun. I thought I would share some interesting bits about the people and events that make up this book and throw in some reading suggestions if you want to know more, or if you’re looking to pass time while waiting for the next book.