And for some reason, that's exactly what I did. I picked her up and settled her on my lap, pulling her head to my shoulder. She shifted in her sleep, but didn't wake. I held her. I wasn't alone. And finally, I could sleep.
Chapter 20
The bright sun stabbed my eyes. Disoriented for a minute, I shifted and tried to cover them. Something was on my arm. I blinked away the sleep and was actually shocked to see Ashnahta on my lap. It took a minute for the memory of the night to come to me. We were in the dome, in the bright morning sun. I pulled a numbed hand out from under her and reached above me to fumble with the tint switch. The dome darkened and my eyes were no longer throbbing.
"That could make you blind," said Lynette's voice.
It made me jump. She was sitting in the bar of observation seats in the middle of the room, wearing a thick pair of sunglasses. I wondered how long she was had been there and felt my face get hot. I shifted to try and sit, trying not to wake Ashnahta. I shouldn't have worried. It would take an army to wake her when she is deep in sleep. I carefully rolled her into a better position that allowed me to scoot up against the wall. "It's not nice to spy on people when they are sleeping."
She sniffed and stood, then took the seat nearest us. "You did not check into your ward last night. Christophe was in a funk trying to find you. I remembered she said she was coming here." She didn't sound angry. She just sounded tired. I guessed it had been a long night with Marlon. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. I sure as hell wasn't going to try and make any excuses to her of all people.
"I was going to tell you about the ship when we got back," she blurted out. "That was always the plan. Get approval first, then go from there. It's not like...it's not like I was trying to keep a secret or anything."
"But you did."
She sighed heavily. "No. I followed the plan. I followed my orders. Hell, if we didn't get that approval it wouldn't have happened at all."
"But you knew about it. You knew, they knew. I was the only one that didn't."
"Would it have changed anything?"
I still don't know. "Yeah, maybe. Maybe it would. You aren't supposed to keep secrets like that."
She gave a laugh, but there was no humor in it. "Seriously? You're taking that line with me? I'm sorry, but who was it you went to for help? Hm?"
Here we went again. "I've already explained."
"Yeah, and that's the problem, isn't it? I didn't like your explanation the first time!" She ran a hand through her hair. "I'm not going to argue," she said with more calm. "If you hadn't rushed back here, if things followed the course they were supposed to follow, we'd be on our way back here right now and starting your training for the mission with me. You can't blame me because you threw it all out of whack."
Her words were slow to sink in, but as she sat and stared at me, they finally hit home. I felt completely blindsided. I'm afraid I didn't do a good job of hiding my horror.
"Gee, thanks, Jake," she said flatly. "I'm so glad to see I make your skin crawl."
"No!" I said quickly. "No, it's just...I mean..." I would have given anything to be able to pause the conversation long enough to get some advice from Ralph. "Look, Lynette. You're great. Really..."
She gave a wry smile at my discomfort and held up her hand to stop me. "It's okay. I get it. I'm a friend, and only a friend. I get it now."
I hurt her. I felt like an ass. But it was the truth and I wouldn't say anything to make her feel otherwise. "I'm sorry," I said lamely.
"No, you're not. And you shouldn't be. I told them from the start it was a bad idea." She stood quickly. "Anyway, I just wanted to find you and make sure you were okay. I'll let Christophe know he can call off the dogs." She was speaking very quickly and not looking at me. I had the feeling she was going to cry. She stopped at the door and stood for a minute. "If she hadn't come, would you have said yes?" She asked it so quietly I almost didn't hear her.
Now how could I possibly answer something like that? Hm? The answer was a flat out no. I didn't have to look very deep to know that. Yes, I had held her hand a few times. I felt closer to her than the others I'd met since arriving in Utopia. Maybe if we only stayed on Utopia, if I hadn't gone to Earth and been with her and around her there it would be different. The plain truth was that early on in that trip, it became clear that she and I were not a match.
But how could I say that and not be offensive? How could I say that while I'd never considered the possibility before, I knew without a doubt I would have rejected her in any scenario? I freely admit that I am an ass sometimes, but usually not when I can help it. I suppose in some ways my silence was worse than the answers I could have given.
"I didn't think so," she said sadly. Then she left.
"Aw hell," I said out loud. I sighed heavily and rolled Ashnahta off my lap. I stood and stretched out the stiff muscles, then bent and tried to wake her. After a few attempts, I said, "Screw it." I picked her up. I was right. She was so very light that even tired muscles easily carried the weight. It was day. The path from the observatory to our private ward would be filled with curious onlookers.
"Screw that, too," I said. I waved my pass over the lock and the door opened. Screw it all. What did it really matter anyway? So Utopia knew their goal was a success. There are far worse things that could have happened. Let them know about her. Let them know someone so brave existed, that she turned her back on her entire people to protect them. Let them know she is real.
I ignored those I passed. Because it was Reginald's suite, there were only a few of them, and most of them were bots that would not notice the difference in race anyway. But one or two seemed real, and seemed very surprised indeed. I couldn't help the smile. I got onto the elevator and hit the button for my floor, happily wondering about the tongues that would wag.
Christophe was already waiting for me in my ward. I walked right past him and tucked Ashnahta into her bed. I passed him again and went for the coffee, closing Ashnahta's door so we didn't bother her. I got a coffee and sat. I took a sip and then finally addressed Christophe. "We were in the private observatory."
"Did anyone see you on your way back."
"Probably."
He sighed and then sat. "Jacob, one of these days you will think about your actions."
"I always think about my actions."
"So you know the potential consequences, yet you plow ahead anyway? Is it any wonder you have no ship of your own?"
Point taken. I fiddled with my coffee cup. Christophe looked at me for awhile longer before he spoke.
"I believe you had a long overdue discussion with Ashnahta." It occurred to me then that he was the only other human to pronounce her name correctly. I don't know why I thought of it just then, why it mattered. Not even Mother had pronounced it properly. It stuck out then, and even now when I think about it. It's silly how sometimes the very small details mean the most.
"I did."
"Are you angry?"
With her. He didn't have to say that. That's what he meant. "No."
He sat back. "I don't understand you, Jacob."
I gave a snort of laughter. "Get in line."
"You were Reginald's selection for Lynette, you know." I felt my face get hot. "He believed it was a brilliant plan. I did not agree with him." That surprised me. "Neither did Ralph. Neither of us believed the match to be a good one. For different reasons, of course."
Curiosity got the better of me. "Different reasons?"
"Yes. Ralph believed you were too serious minded for someone like Lynette." It was a fair assessment. "And I knew you never really belonged to us to give away in the first place."
What can you say to a statement like that? I sat and watched the coffee slosh in the cup as I moved it in little circles. I don't know if it was the statement that got me, or who said it. "I'm not getting a ship, am I?" I said after a long silence.