It wasn't too much to ask, but that wasn't really what I was saying. At least, that's not how I meant it to come out. My life had been taken away and there was nothing any of these people were letting me do to keep it. I felt so...helpless. I was the "alien", as much as I hated that word. To those people, I was completely alien. And if I was alien to people who lived on Mars and intentionally searched for oddballs like me, then how were the people on Earth going to take me?
Fear. I could never admit it out loud, not to Jillian, who would probably pat my head and say "yes dear." I could never say that to Dr. Karl, because fear is not a word in the vocabulary of science. Christophe, he wouldn't care if I said it to him or not as long as it was in the script he wrote. Lynette? I was so mad that she went through my things, but still, there was something in me that didn't want her to think I was weak. There was no way in hell I'd admit anything like that to Marlon. In fact, I was very glad he left before the bulk of my tirade. I almost could talk to Ralph about it. Almost. He'd made it clear he was StarTech, though. There's a difference between us that never existed before. Just one more thing taken away from me.
I was afraid. Ridiculous for someone who's "tripped" on a spacewalk and had to wait four painful hours before someone could catch up to me. Insane for someone who wallowed in the mud outside of a suit on v-2445 just to feel what Little Blob was talking about. Hadn't I stood up to Morhal when she was in a rage over Ashnahta missing one of the most important ceremonies? Morhal, who sliced the heads off her own children. I stood up to her. I felt no fear then.
"You cannot be held responsible for your cultural differences." It was Morhal's own edict after she deliberated with the secondary. "Besides, you have a calming influence on Ashnahta her secondary feels she lacks. You shall live. Do not let her miss another ceremony, or I shall be displeased with my own decision."
That's the key right there. I could not be held accountable for my cultural differences. We didn't hold the Ehkin or the Qitani responsible when they offended us, and they didn't fault us for the same.
But I wasn't around the Ehkin. Or the Qitani. Or any number of other tribes we either studied from afar or heard about through our interactions with the others. There are not supposed to be cultural differences. I was human. I was supposed to be one of them, supposed to start acting and thinking liike one of them. And that was terrifying.
Rely on the people trying to help me.
One time I hurt Little Blob's feelings. I didn't mean to. I hopped from rock to rock across the sulfur river he was not allowed to try and cross. I laughed and had fun and easily got to the other side. And I felt it then, his longing, his jealousy. I crossed back, apologized, and still I felt that tug. When we returned to our ship that night, Dad came to my cabin. I was only eleven then, a little kid, really. He sat down on my bunk.
"I saw you jumping around in front of Little Blob."
"He said we can't cross the sulfur stream, and I said that I could."
"And then what?"
"Then he felt really, really bad."
"Do you know why?" I shook my head. "He probably thought you were showing off."
"I didn't mean to."
He put his arm around me. "Of course you didn't mean to. I'm not raising a meanie for a kid! But it doesn't matter, does it? It hurt his feelings. You could see it in his coloring." I nodded, miserable. "So now you have learned a big lesson. Little Blob can't hop across the rocks. And just because you can, doesn't mean you should in front of him."
"But he can do all kinds of things I can't!"
"He can do all kinds of things you don't know how to yet. There's a big difference. He will never, ever be able to hop across the rocks. And you doing it and laughing...I bet he felt like you were doing it to rub it in and you were laughing to laugh at him."
"I didn't mean to." I felt like a worm.
"I know. And he is your friend. He'll know that, too. But you need to say you're sorry. Even if you didn't mean to, you hurt him. And you need to tell him you're sorry."
That's how I felt the next morning when I sat at the breakfast table with the whole team, none of us able to eat because of what was still unsaid. Well, Christophe ate. He ate in silence and sized us all up, one by one. I could feel when his eyes were on me. And Marlon ate, but he would have even if he'd been in the room still when I went off. That's just the kind of guy he was.
"I don't like this tension," Christophe announced after awhile. "Jake, I am told there is some question of your employment status and benefits. Let's clear this up right now. You are henceforth considered a freelance spokesman with level G status." Ralph dropped his fork, and looked at Christophe in surprise.
"What?" Marlon sputtered. "This little space monkey get G? For what? I've been with the company for years now and I'm only a D!"
"Perhaps that says less about Mr. Cosworth and more about your own performance, Mr. Donnely. If I were you, I might spend more time working on the job you're assigned and less time worrying about other people." Marlon's face burned purple and he snatched up his fork and ate in angered silence.
"As such," Christophe continued. "You shall enjoy the privileges of all with level G status. Is that clear to all in this room?" Odd, there was a threat there. He didn't say it, but it was there as clear as if he had. They were being yelled out. Calmly. Professionally. Almost nicely, on the surface. But they were getting the reprimand. Not me.
I felt I had to say something. "I...thank you." I looked to Christophe, who simply raised an eyebrow. I was supposed to apologize. I don't know how I knew it, but I did. I cleared my throat. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at everyone yesterday. I know you're just doing your jobs. It's just all very different and happening fast and..." I gave a shrug. I didn't know what else to say, but Christophe gave a little nod and I knew it was enough.
"I'm sorry I read through your holo," said Lynette sincerely.
"I'm not," said Marlon, shoveling another bite into his food. He looked to Lynette. "What? I've got a job to get back to. The sooner we figure the space monkey out, the sooner I can get back to real work."
"And that, Mr. Donnely, is exactly what a level D would say."
Ralph gave a chuckle. Still chuckled when Marlon glared. He wasn't intimidated by the brute. No one actually seemed to be. Ralph gave me a small wink and flicked his fork towards my plate. I was supposed to eat. I picked up my own fork and found that a huge weight had been lifted and I was starving. I began to eat, and then the rest of the people did, too.
Dr. Karl started talking to Ralph about his own physical situation. Jillian and Christophe began chatting about the plans for the next week. Marlon ate in his purple silence. When I risked a glance at Lynette, she took that as a sign I'd forgiven her.
"What's a gundy?"
I frowned. "What?"
"You called us that yesterday. When you were yelling."
I felt the pang of guilt. Did I really say that? "Grundhi. It's a Qitani word."
"They have a language?"
Don't get mad. She's not being mean. The look on her face meant she was honestly curious. How's she to know if no one tells her? These people are here to help. I just need to keep remembering that. "Yes. They're actually far more advanced in some ways than we are."
"Are they those...uh...blob people?"
She was highly uncomfortable, and for some reason that meant a lot to me. She wasn't trying to be disrespectful. She just didn't know how to ask. "No, those are the Ehkin."
Marlon snorted. "Sounds made up to me."