She pushed her food aside and refused to feel the least bit sorry for prying. "I do not want to meet your strangers."
"You already know Ralph. He's not a stranger.
"I am too tired."
I gave a snort. In truth, she was bouncing back far faster than I had. "They're landing about now."
I'm not presentable. I refuse.
The quick panic again. "You are presentable. And I'm afraid we have no choice."
Not today. Not yet.
My feelings mimicked hers so exactly. Anything I could say would be pointless. She knew I felt just as she did. I was not going to get her to budge. That was clear. "Fine." Coward. Her eyes burned but she said nothing. "But I have to. At least Ralph. I've got to take my lumps like Christophe says."
What does it mean?
I shrugged. "I have to take what's coming to me."
Fear again. "Will you be killed then?" Her voice was clear and controlled. It struck me then how much she's like Christophe. No wonder she believed he was the primary here. Actually, from her point of view, he really was.
"No. I won't be killed. It's not legal here, not for me running away at least."
"My mothers would..." her voice trailed off and she looked away. She also slammed her internal door closed. "It is a weak tribe you are in." She said the standard line she had always used when she could not understand one of our ways or customs.
I shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. Guilt is a burden you carry forever. Death is simply final and no more feeling. What's worse, really?"
We sat in silence. I waited to be called to Ralph. She closed me off and pointedly ignored me. After a few minutes she began picking at the fruit again. The pears were the only winner. Everything else got spat out, except the possible grapes, which she wouldn't even try. Pears. I added them to the list in my head. When she was done, I cleaned up what she had spit out and took the plate across the hall to clean. She was sleeping when I got back. I pulled the blanket up over her and in spite of her initial revulsion at the feel of the material, she nestled deeper and looked peaceful.
The only time I had peace. I smiled. I really didn't mind that. Not at all. It was far better than the months of lonely silence. I turned the lights lower and left the room. I got another cup of coffee and then sat and waited.
When they finally arrived, the first thing I noticed was that Ralph looked older. It was silly, since it had only been a few days. But he did. He truly did. He hadn't shaved. Or brushed his hair. Or done anything to take care of himself, by the looks of things. He looked older from fear.
I stood up and wanted to say how sorry I was. I couldn't. I just couldn't get the words out. He looked older, yes. He was tired, yes. He'd been through a lot and it was my fault, absolutely. But I was sad and angry, too. I had been through a lot, too. He let me down just as much. He seemed to know it, too. He stood in the entryway to the stations and just looked at me as unable to get his own words out either.
Christophe cleared his throat. "Well. I'll leave you two alone." He handed Ralph a pass key. "A new key. It will only work on this ward. You'll still need your old one for the rest of Utopia. Your things will be brought to the suite you were in before we left for Earth. And I imagine that Bradley will want a work up done to give to Dr. Dresche when he returns."
"Yeah. I'll check in with him later. This shouldn't take long." He was twisting the StarTech cap in his hands.
"Excellent. I hope to dine with you this evening. We have a few items to discuss." Christophe gave me a pointed look, then turned and left the ward. The door down the hall swished closed behind him.
"That coffee I smell?" As far as breaking the ice goes, it wasn't that bad of a line. I walked to the pot and got him a cup. I put in three sugars and the powdered milk he liked and brought it to him. He sat at the table and raised an eyebrow when I poured another for myself. "Since when do you drink coffee?"
It annoyed me. "Since I'm too busy to keep my eyes open."
"I wasn't saying..." he started, then swore. "God I'm tired."
I sat down and stared at my coffee.
He took a long sip of his own and then stared just as intently at it. We were right back to having too much to say to get any of it out.
"I'm sorry," I said when I couldn't take the silence.
"No you're not."
Blunt and honest. "I'm sorry for how I did it," I said with equal honesty. "I didn't want to worry anyone."
"You could have told me," he said.
I snorted. "Yeah? Really? Because you didn't even bother to tell me she was here. I had to find out from a stupid message that you wouldn't have told me about either!"
"Jake."
"No!" I couldn't help the anger. I tried to check it, I really did. I wasn't a saint in any of this. But I also had to get it out. "Why didn't you tell me, Ralph? Why?" He said nothing. "Do you even know what these months have been like for me? Everything, every single thing I knew was gone. Taken away. I was kicked out of my home."
"It wasn't like that. No one kicked you out..."
"And how would I know that?" I blew up. "Put yourself in my shoes for a minute. All I knew was that out of the blue my folks were throwing me, literally throwing me, out of fricken galaxy. Not just making me grow up and get my own house. They sent me to another galaxy." I felt all the angry tears build up. I was beyond caring how much of a child that made me sound like. "Can you imagine how that feels? It was awful. Horrible." I swiped at the tears. "It was the worst thing I ever felt until I found out why. And then the worst thing I ever felt was that you...you didn't even bother telling me any of it. You just let me think Dad threw me away. And then...if that's not bad enough...then I find out that she's here. You know how much I...I..."
"Love her?"
Did I? Was that what it was? "I don't know. Maybe."
He shook his head and put up a hand. "My turn, kid, so just listen. Yes, I should have told you. But you can't honestly tell me you were mature enough to handle it. Hell, as it was you were ready to get right back up there and sign your whole life away, let them put you in their jail and be their..." Once again he didn't finish the same thought he started before. "I won't continue to apologize for that. We made the right call, Jake, and I've already explained and if you plan on holding it against me my whole life, well...I guess I'll just have to learn to live with it."
I wouldn't hold it against him for his whole life. He knew that. And to be honest, it was a low move of me to once again throw it in his face.
"But as far as she goes..." His voice softened. "That's another story." He leaned back in his chair and all the fight was gone. He just looked old and tired. "Hell Jake. What was I supposed to do? We got word last week. She was barely alive. They were all certain she'd die. They thought we should keep it quiet until we knew something more and I... That's why we got the trip to Montana when we did. You were already so close to snapping and I thought...I thought it would just push you over the edge and...and..." He swore again and sat quietly rolling his cup back and forth in his hands.
I didn't know how to answer, or if I should. He should have told me. "In my shoes, you'd have wanted to know."
He gave a small laugh. "Hell yes I would. But I'm not in your shoes, kid. I'm in your father's shoes and I'll be damned if I can figure out how to fill them." He looked at me and I could feel the sincerity in his gaze. "If I was your buddy, or even still just your Uncle Ralph, then I not only woulda told you in a hot second, I'd have the X3 gassed and ready to go. But I'm not. I can't be. You're a lotta fun, and you look so much like him it's hard to remember sometimes that you're not Lance. You're Jake. And the second I swore to your father I'd look after you, I took over his place. Would he have let you come running to her? I wrestled with that over and over after I heard. My buddy Lance would have. Your father Lance, though...no. He wouldn't have."