"What's her name?" Lena asked after a moment.
"Ashnahta."
"That's a beautiful name. Does it mean anything?"
I had to grin. "All of their names mean something. Hers roughly means 'blessed assassin'." Lena gasped, which made me laugh. "It's the highest compliment."
"Are they mean then?"
"Mean? No. They just don't have time to screw around. If you are there to make trouble, you die."
"What do you mean?"
I didn't understand what was confusing. "I mean just that. If you don't work, you die. If you hurt someone else, you die. If you take what isn't yours, you die. If you break the rules, you die."
"Just like that?"
"Yes just like that. What other way could there be?"
"No trials? No chance to defend themselves?"
She was getting angry, but I had no idea why. "Lena, it's not as if they don't know the rules. If they break them, they do it knowing they are breaking them."
"And that goes for everyone? What about women?"
"Women rule the place."
"Fine! What about men?" She was on the verge of tears.
"Of course the rules apply to them."
"Children, too?"
"Yes."
"That's awful!" She handed the holocom back to me. "What an unforgiving, cold society that must be. You mess up and die? Thanks, but you can keep your Laak'sa."
Now I was getting angry. "There you go, classic human thinking your way is the only way. These people..."
"Aliens."
"People," I stressed. "They live only twenty years, if they're lucky. They have a very little time for each generation to contribute and grow. They have to be efficient and they can't waste time warring."
"I always figured an advanced race would be above violence."
I gave a bitter laugh. "Now why would you think that? The only peaceable people we ever met were the Ehkin and I doubt they'd be so peaceable if they had hands. If you can think, then someone can think better than you. If you can hit, then someone can hit harder. And if you have something, build something, make something, some crazy person will want to take the easy road and take it from you instead of working to make it for themselves."
She looked at me in silence for a few seconds. "You know a lot for a kid."
"No. I just know people. Look at the Qitani. You cringed because they are a different color. But look again. Really look. They are a little taller. They are skinner in the chest because of the type of air they breathe. They have adapted to needing far less oxygen than we do. But that's about where the differences end. They have two eyes, two hands, two legs. They have stomachs and brains and thoughts and feelings." I gave her my version of Mother's speech. "And they love and hate and cry and laugh and fight and win, just like us. We have over a hundred years now. Each one of us can live five times as long as the luckiest of the Qitani. If you had only twenty years to build something better for your children, you'd be hard, too. There just isn't time to let someone take anything. There isn't time for second chances. What tribe you are has nothing to do with it. Some things will always be the same."
I turned away from her. I was angry, but not really at her. I was angry because I remembered this same conversation with the members of my ship, my crew, my family. They had said similar things, only louder and longer. Every difference was harped on once we were in the safety of our own ship at the end of the day. Every nuance of "racial individuality", as Mother called it, was poured over, analyzed. Dad was the only one who agreed with me. "That's just how they've developed here. And we'd have done the same." He's an anthropologist by nature, astrophysicist by degree. Maybe I just got his anthropology bug. Maybe that's why I saw only similarities while others saw nothing but differences.
We sat in silence for awhile. "It must have been hard having no other kids on board," Lena said, still looking at the picture of Ashnahta.
"I don't know. It wasn't hard for me. And I had friends. The last four years, I had great, fun friends. I played jokes on Little Blob's family with him, and sat inspeaking with Ashnahta for hours, even when I was in orbit and she was on world."
She handed me back the holocom. "It sounds like you were lucky to have such good friends." I felt like she was just saying it to make amends, but it was still nice to hear.
"I was."
"You'll see them again."
I looked at Lena then, really looked at her. For the first time, the differences jumped out more than the similarities...and not hers. Would everyone be like her? How could they not? How could any of them understand? I can't explain everything to everyone, and in that moment it really felt like that's what I was going to have to do. Maybe I could blend. She didn't know about me, not really, until I opened my big mouth. Maybe if I just kept it shut, I wouldn't have to try. If she didn't know, maybe no one else would know.
Blend. That's what I'd try and do.
"What do you miss about Earth?"
She seemed happy that I changed the subject. I tried to calm my annoyance, but as she talked about all the things I didn't understand, annoyance turned to frustration. Perhaps that's what it was like for her when I talked about Laak'sa.
Blue sky. Water. Going to the beach with her friends and swimming in the breakers, whatever those are. She missed hot dogs, even though she admits they are "totally bad news" and "not at all healthy". She missed "park riding" when she was "skipping class", and a guy named Frank she always meant to date before she got her assignment on Utopia. She talked a mile a minute and I soon found it very impossible to keep up. I don't know how long she went on. I tuned out. I tried, really. But her words just bounced right off.
"And then, of course, I miss my family. But only a year and a half more and my term will be up."
She was waiting for me to say something. "Oh. Yeah."
"And who knows," she continued. "Maybe you'll be heading back through the fathead thing..."
"Fah'ti."
"And on your way to see your own family then." She glanced at her watch. "Shoot. My shift starts in a couple hours. Guess I'll bunk down at the station. You okay if I head out?"
"Yeah."
She got up and clipped her equipment back on her belt. "Get back in bed. Things always look better in the morning."
I gave her a nod. "Thanks." I know I didn't sound thankful. In truth, I didn't feel thankful. Looking back, I'd have been much happier if she just let me sit and look at the planets in the dark.
Now that's not very nice. I should be thankful. She highlighted a few things for me, namely how wrong I am on this planet...and this one isn't even the end goal. If I couldn't even relate to other people who were also strangers in a strange land, as Dad always says, what hope did I have on Earth?
I picked up the holo and looked at the picture of Ashnahta. I tried to look at her like Lena had. She tried, I'll give her credit for that, but there had been no way to hide the look of disgust when she saw Little Blob. I admit he's a bit hard on the eyes at first. But Ashnahta? The same look was in her eyes when she looked on Ashnahta. I couldn't see it. I still can't. I don't understand what is so horrifying.
"I miss you," I whispered to the holo. "Why can't you talk to me anymore?" I inspoke. I waited. And waited. And waited. But the answer did not come. I put my head on the glass and looked out. Would everyone be like Lena? Would they all be so quick to be horrified at my life, the ones I love and miss? I want to go home.
Lena did not make me feel better. Not at all.