At the very far end of the hall, the door opened and Ralph walked in. I leaned my head back against the wall and waited. In a few seconds, he sat next to me. "What's it tonight?"
"Something to help her breathe."
"Good." He had a bag in his hand and tipped it toward me. "New uniform for ya. Convict yellow."
I groaned. "I hate yellow."
"Jillian knows. I think it's exactly why she had it done up so bright." He gave a laugh. "And before you ask, yes. You have to wear it. It'll let people know you may have your rank, but you're still on restrictions. And there's one in here for Ashnahta, too."
"What's the point? She can't leave the ward. It's me and bots and Christophe. What does she even need to pretend for. Just let her walk around how she wants."
"Bitterness is ugly on you, Jake," he said quietly.
I sighed heavily. "She can't ever leave, Ralph."
"No."
I kind of wished he would have lied to me right then. Just a little. Just a white lie to a kid who really needed to hear it.
"We should have stayed."
I didn't mean on Earth, but Ralph knew that. "Eh, you brought me home. Besides, I can't help but notice that the one who had the choice in the matter didn't stay. Maybe she knows a little more than you on the subject."
I was tapping my foot on the tile and stopped. It was suddenly very important that I get Ralph's take. He was raised on Earth, but had spent just as much time with the Qitani as I had. If anyone else could help me figure out my mixed feelings, it would be him. "Why do you think she came?"
He sighed and sat back. "Hell Jake. I don't know. I take it your talk with Reggie gave room for different ideas. That's not a bad thing, and I'd be a liar if I said I hadn't thought them myself. She's Morhal's puppet, kiddo. Always has been."
"But she's her daughter."
He scoffed. "Like that means anything to them. The only reason she got any respect at all was because she was the smartest which made her easier to train. If any of her sisters had come along with a sharper mind, she would have been tossed aside."
It was shocking to hear such a cold hearted take on it. "But she was next in line."
"And to them that means nothing. It changes on a whim. Think about it, Jake. Just think."
I ran a hand through my hair trying to figure out this new point of view. "So you think they cast her aside?"
Ralph shrugged. "It's one thought. And this was the better option than death."
My pride took a hit with that idea. Me or death. Did it really just come down to that?
Ralph laughed. "Good. Knocked you down a few pegs. Now maybe you'll really listen to what I have to say." Damn him. But it worked. "I don't know why she did what she did. I can think of a dozen reasons and support each one with facts if I had to. If you want to know, you'll just have to buck up and be a man and ask, and be ready for whatever answer you get. Take it from an old man. Knowing might royally suck, but it's far better than guessing and hoping." He put the bag on the bench and stood. "I've got dinner with Jillian and Christophe, so I'm heading. Don't leave the ward without your punishment clothes." He gave me a little wink and left.
The ward was silent. I couldn't even hear any noises coming from the operating room. Ralph's words echoed around in my head, only to be replaced by Reginald's. Over and over the two conversations warred for dominance. And as I sat there and waited, the day felt heavier and heavier, and I felt older and older.
Chapter 19
I stepped out of the shower and toweled off. My holo beeped again and I sighed. Yes, yes, I'm coming Christophe. We were already running late, but I had to shower. I just had to. The morning's workout was extra brutal of my own design, my mind needing the distraction of physical pain. It made for a cleansing of the mind, but no way to go to a meeting. I had to take the time for a shower, and Christophe would be grateful for it.
I dressed as quickly as possible and opened the bathroom door. Ashnahta was standing facing the tinted window, looking at her reflection. The front of her uniform was open and she stood fingering the healing mark from the respiratory implant. In order to complete the procedure, one of her gems had been removed. It was that she mourned more than the mark. Though she hadn't spoken of it in the three weeks since, I knew it bothered her deeply. I think the loss of something she considered sacred put a new focus on her situation. She lost her home. She would never get to be Primary. She would never live the life she planned to live. I knew just how that felt and did my very best to give her support, but she had a very difficult time letting me.
When she first woke from the surgery and realized the gem was gone, her entire being crumpled. He did not tell me, she had raged inside. Heartbreaking, torn. It was enough to bring me to tears, to want to march up to the bot and disassemble him on the spot. And then, just like that, she shut it off. Maybe she felt my reaction. Maybe she felt the pain too deep.
I stopped in the doorway and watched her. More and more she was closed off. More and more I was closed off. I don't think it was intentional so much as us being products of our environment. Now that the Bradley bot could speak Qitani, and Christophe made a point to discourage inspeaking as much as possible, we naturally used oral communication more and more. She didn't see my reflection in the window, didn't hear me open the door, didn't feel my presence. So I stood there and watched. Her face wasn't sad or angry, just...curious.
I am uneven.
Her thought made me jump. So she did know I was there. I tried to console her. It doesn't matter.
No. I suppose no longer. I do not need to tell the world who I am. She slowly zipped up her shirt. Just like that, the connection was lost again. I clenched my jaw and wanted to get right back on the treadmill. "Let us meet with Christophe."
Ashnahta was not allowed to travel the halls of Utopia as I was. In fact, she had three places she was allowed to go: our ward, Reginald's office suite after business hours, and Reginald's private observatory that was off limits to anyone else. Basically, the only places where it could be assured that no one else would see her. She had been to Reginald's office, but had yet to visit the observatory. Whenever I brought it up, she felt apprehensive for some reason and the subject was dropped.
We got into the elevator only we were allowed to use now and went straight up to Reginald's office suite. The only guard allowed on our ward stepped out and made sure all was clear before ushering us forward. For a fraction of a second, I could feel Ashnahta's fear.
I tried to calm her. It will be fine.
Do not pretend. I told you I have no interest in doing this.
Think of it as a diplomatic mission.
I am no queen. It is no longer my job.
The internal door slammed. Hard. My frustration felt like it would bubble over. That's what it had been like for weeks, a growing distance, a pain from something she wouldn't discuss. "Fine," I said out loud. "Then think of it as a favor to me." I didn't give her time to answer. I yanked open the suite door and waited for her to walk through. I could feel the stab of iciness she shot me, and felt my own anger go back at her. Silly. Ridiculous. Unnecessary and...and I was helpless to stop it.