"Morhal laughed. She said she expected more from the one she birthed to be primary." But I could not kill her. I could not sacrifice the people who risked their lives for others. I should have. I should have killed them all, the elders, too. You had corrupted me, Jake.
I took it as the compliment I think she meant it to be. She did not feel upset that her thinking had been changed.
"I took Morhal's title away. I placed her in prison. I placed the elders with her." But that was not enough. Even as I did so, I could feel her laughter at me. Eunice had been right. The plan was already in action. Morhal could laugh because she believed I was defeated even in my victory. "I summoned Klan'dha." Morhal could not have planned anything overly complicated with the fah'ti without Klan'dha's assistance. "Torture made that traitor talk, weak woman that she was." They were transmitting invitations for more humans to come. They were requesting that you come back. And they got a reply. "Once she caved, she caved completely. She showed me a response from Christophe, guaranteeing a ship would bring you back at the earliest possible time." It was a lie, Jake. I searched him. He was just being clever, like Eunice. He is your friend, more than you know.
"I did not know this, then. I believed your primary was not smart enough to figure it was a trap." He's just a man. That fact alone shocked me. A man as a primary.
"He's not our primary, though."
He is. How it counts, he is and you know this. "I went to Eunice. I asked her what I should do." The only way was to completely close the fah'ti, to destroy it on the far end, your end. "As long as it was open on your side, Morhal would win. She would find a way." I couldn't trust anyone. They were all her people. And yet, I couldn't leave her there. I couldn't let her remain and abandon my beautiful world to the hands of a madwoman. "I followed Eunice's advice, Jake. I took the weapon she made." Because I respected her. Because I trusted her. Because I have never known anything in my life so strong, an honest, and pure as her sense of responsibility. And love. We don't have that, Jake. It is so powerful. "I took her weapon. And I used it."
I could feel the her guilt, her pain, and I knew what had happened. My stomach felt like an icy fist was squeezing it. I knew what had happened.
"It worked. I smuggled it in to Eunice and she kissed my cheek and told me to run." And I did. I ran. And in seconds, it was over. They were gone, all of them, good and bad. There was a loud boom like never heard on Laak'sa, and then silence. The building fell in on itself, and everyone was gone. It was the only way, Jake. I'm so, so sorry.
She believed I'd hate her for it. I almost did. God knows in that moment I wanted to. My hand went limp in hers and I slumped to the floor. "All of them?" I squeaked.
"Yes."
Mother and Dad. I closed my eyes against the pain. I didn't want to hear any more. I wanted to close my eyes and forget she said it at all. But once she started, she had to finish. I sat in numb silence and listened to every word.
"Before Morhal's supporters could gather their thoughts, I ordered the release of the Condor." The rest of the crew is safe, Jake. That's the best I could do. Please believe me.
It felt like a final bitter twist in an awful fairy tale. I couldn't feel happy for any of them then, even though they were my family, too. If Dad had just stayed on the Condor... If Mother hadn't... If we didn't...
Ashnahta slid to the floor next to me. "I assembled a new elder tribe. Younger than the last, stronger. Just old enough to be respected." But still young enough to fight down any uprisings. An army. "I crowned Lanta as primary, declared the male groomed to be my match, Krahn, hers." They were both very happy with it. Lanta is not very smart, but she is loyal. She will listen to the elders, and Krahn will have a much kinder life than he would have as my match. "I told the elders to select a secondary. I believe they chose my youngest sister, Magha." She is smart, but young enough to take the elders word as law until she is old enough to challenge Lanta if she wishes.
I boarded a rock. I ordered it to take me to the Condor. They brought me to the fah'ti. I offered them the ability to jump home. They would not do it. "They kept the mission going, to honor Eunice and your father, Jake. To honor them."
It was an honor. It was a sacrifice perhaps greater than that of my parents. Much later, when it didn't hurt so badly to think about it, I realized just what they had all given back. They were doing what Mother and Dad couldn't. An honor? It was the highest they could give to my parents' memories.
"And I jumped. And I closed the fah'ti. And I closed my eyes to die." But I did not die. I was saved. I was not like the others. I lived. Why does that feel so much worse?
Her words dissolved. Words could not capture the feelings, and she no longer tried to use them. She opened up and let me feel it all, and I, in turn, did the same until tears rolled down her cheek. Seeing her tears was my breaking point. I gently pulled her to me and let her cry. For probably the first time in her life, I could feel that she was not embarrassed, not ashamed at the weakness we shared.
Hours later, I sat with my back against the glass of the dome, looking up at the stars and planets above. Ashnahta had cried herself out and slept, her head on my lap. My own tears had long since stopped and I was left with an odd mix of feelings.
The anger was gone. That was the first thing I realized. I didn't feel wound up as I had for the last few months. I knew the truth. I hadn't understood just how frustrating not knowing something could be. The unknown had slowly been driving me crazy.
I didn't like what I knew. Not a bit. It occurred to me when I noticed that I was stroking her hair unconsciously that if anyone else discovered the truth, they would censure me for not hating her. But I understood. It may have been Ashnahta's hands that delivered the bomb, but I knew my mother planned it, and had my father's wholehearted approval. As soon as I heard the truth, I knew without a doubt that's what happened. I watched the scene in Ashnahta's memory. I hurt all the more because it was a side of Mother I didn't know existed. I got the cold scientist. I never knew such a pure mother was inside, was leading the charge. It made the dull ache worse. All the angry thoughts about her...even worse, the distant ones. Why didn't I see it before? Why had it taken something so horrible?
And Dad. Dad would have gone along with it. I knew he would have. He probably counted down, probably held Mother and pretended he was the strong one right to death. He would have been proud. He would have begged the Condor crew to run, to escape, to hide...to live.
Why didn't they come home? Why didn't they jump and share? I'd have given anything to see them, to hug them, to mourn with them. My heart ached. I was alone.
My hand resumed stroking Ashnahta's hair. No, I was not alone, was I? What's worse than losing your parents? Having to be the one to save the world from them. God, what she had been through, the choices she had to make. No, I wasn't mad at her. How could I be? She was only a pawn, just like me. She shivered and I pulled her closer. She was so light. As tall as me, but so very light. I could pick her up and hold her without any effort at all.