The speed of it the honesty the crankiness the torrent of talk is too much for me I’m shaking I’m blushing the sun is in my eyes there’s a hubbub of people around me. Soon Asi will be home. It’s all burst on me so suddenly. This vertigo. This deep emotion. He gulps down the last of his cake he drains his coffee with his eyes closed he smiles and looks around.
“But I don’t understand… who tried to murder you?”
He stares at me. He takes out a cigarette lights it and snaps the burnt match with strong fingers.
“You really don’t know? No one ever told you? I see Asi has been protecting our good name. How long have you been married? Nearly two years, isn’t it? Well, if you haven’t left him until now, you won’t leave him because of this, ha ha ha…”
His sudden burst of depraved laughter astounds me.
“This?’’
“Never mind. If they didn’t tell you, it doesn’t matter. It’s all past history now.”
All at once though he changes his mind he leans toward me veiled in smoke he sticks his face close to mine and murmurs feverishly:
“Who did? She did, of course. Why do you think that she’s in there and I’m out here? You mean they never even referred to it in front of you? No, I suppose they didn’t…. Well, someday, years from now, when I’m dead and gone, Tsvi will tell you how he saw me with his own eyes wallowing in my blood in the hallway outside the kitchen…’’
He loosens his tie opens two buttons in his shirt and displays a pink stripe through the gray hair a ragged scar like a scribble now I see it now I don’t. The sunbeams play over his face. He takes my hand again.
“Now where was I? Ah, why I didn’t come to your wedding. The question kept bothering me too. Here my son was getting married and I sat in some faraway city in the middle of a black winter trying to punish you when I was only punishing myself. What were they thinking back there about the missing father of the groom? What did the bride think? Someday, I told myself, I’ll explain it all to her. A few years from now I’ll go back and explain. When all the fuss is over I’ll sit with her in some café in Jerusalem — that’s exactly how I imagined it — and we’ll have an intimate talk. I didn’t have this particular place in mind; I was thinking of that nice little café that’s been turned into a bank. I and the religious beauty — because you really are beautiful, I can see now why they all made a point of it. Only who really are you? We’ll have to try to understand you, to get to know you better…”
Customers are staring at us. Next to us sits a couple holding hands but the man can’t take his eyes off me.
It’s clear to me now. A character for a story. Better yet, for a whole novel. If only he’d stay with us in Israel I’d put him to good use I’d take him apart and spread whole chunks of him on paper I’d copy down entire sentences unchanged. The ineptness of that Asi. I’ve asked him a thousand times what’s your father like and all he could offer me was a jaded stereotype. Why the man’s a human gold mine! The looks of him the thick brows the little mustache the flow of his talk candid and crafty at once. Strong. I grip the hot cup of coffee hard. A warm trickle in the dark gut. Asi hasn’t touched me for two weeks. Hie valise squeezed between my legs caressing my flesh. Customers walk back and forth brushing my hair. It’s getting warmer. All at once a strong scent of spring. I open a button of my blouse suddenly aroused. The pain of words. I can’t control myself I take the pad from my bag and quickly write wrinkled desire. A human gold mine. I close it and replace it. He smiles at me sagely.
“Found a phrase? When I was young I went around with a pad lik‹ that too.”
He’s already reaching out for it.
“We’d better go. It’s getting late. Asi will be upset.”
He asks for the bill. Five hundred pounds? He’s stunned then he smiles. You must have it good here if such crazy prices don’t faze you. He takes out his wallet and extracts a few American dollars but the waitress doesn’t want to take them. I pay instead firmly refusing the dollars he offers me. The only one in this family who knows the value of a dollar is Kedmi he says the taxi driver didn’t want any either Ya’el had to pay him for me and wouldn’t take them herself. I must go to a bank and change money. Asi will change some for you let’s not waste any time he’ll kill me for keeping you so long. We walk to the bus stop and join the throng waiting by the iron pole I try hailing a cab that doesn’t stop. He observes the hectic street amused. A bus comes the crowd surges toward the door. I take his hat to help him pushing him ahead of me he boards and disappears inside I get on too and pay for both of us. The whole bus is pushing and shoving. He’s swept to the back he even manages to find a seat there he borrows a newspaper from the person next to him and opens it winking at me. Where have I landed? He’s soft in the head himself he just pretends to be sane they want to force their madness down me drop by slimy drop. I don’t mean you 0 man of gloom. It’s not prudery it’s self-protection but I’ll write up your father to make up for it. My subject at last. Prose of course only prose will do there’ll be a child too I promise it can be done scientifically with anesthesia what thou hast made pure I have made impure and what thou hast made impure I have made pure what thou hast forbidden I have permitted and what thou hast permitted I have forbidden what thou hast loved I have hated and what thou hast hated I have loved what thou hast condoned I have condemned and what thou has condemned I have condoned what thou hast rejected I have accepted and what thou hast accepted I have rejected yet none of it to make thee wroth. What did he do to make them want to kill him the brilliant light and the sea I saw the fear the disgust right away in Asi’s eyes her fierce look the white cotton dress and the smell of old medicines the jar of jam that my mother gave Asi that I put at her feet on the grass he leaned toward her he said mother this is Dina we’ve come to invite you to the wedding that was the first time on a clear winter day she sat wrapped in a blanket in a chair by a tall tree she listened she asked questions she even smiled she seemed so normal until the sun went down then she tuned out what did he do to make her want to kill him so that’s the skeleton they’ve been hiding in the closet wallowing in his blood by the kitchen how horrid but there is a story here there’s got to be one and me so close to it if only I’m up to it one step at a time God give me strength I’ve married into 8 subject for at least a novella. The bus lurches forward the passengers topple on each other. A large man is thrown against me or maybe throws himself he’s all red doesn’t know what to do I’m draped by the warmth of his body I let it bear down on me the whole bus is shouting and laughing the human swarm.
At the university a mob of passengers tumbles out and another mob pours in. In line I spot Asi standing by himself in a plaid jacket and a thin intellectual tie careful not to touch or be touched looking angrily at the packed bus. I lean over toward the window banging my head against the bars. Asi! He hears me but can’t see me he springs forward and presses ahead with the crowd. The despairing shriek of the door trying vainly to shut. What’s happened to the buses today? Asi just makes it he’s thin and wiry the last one in with his back against the door his briefcase clutched to his chest searching the passengers for me irritated worried at last he spies me and makes a terrible face. I smile and nod reassuringly I put his father’s hat on my head the passengers near me grin broadly he gets it and looks for his father I point to the back of the bus. At Ramat Eshkol a large crowd gets off all at once. I shout to Asi’s father that it’s our stop Asi is already waiting by the rear door I step down first and go straight to his side waiting to see their reunion. His father staggers out holding his crushed coat Asi reaches for his bag the old man’s confused but sees Asi right away they embrace on the bus steps behind them people are still struggling to get out the doors shriek encouragement.